So you want to get married, but your significant other is reluctant. Engagement seems a long way off, if it happens at all. What do you do?
If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time—maybe even years—you’re likely thinking of the future. But how can you get to the future if the person you’re dating is ambivalent about engagement? You’re ready to take that step toward making the ultimate commitment. How do you get them on board?
How Much Longer Should You Wait?
Is it worth waiting for your significant other to be ready? Should you keep dating for longer, hoping to eventually take that next step? What life circumstances might be factoring into this long waiting period?
It’s possible that they love you very much, but just don’t make decisions quickly. They might have a cautious personality, which is understandable when it comes to big decisions like getting engaged. In that case, you’re dealing with differences in personality and decision making.
Take some time to get clear on what you both want. Be honest with yourself, and try to help your significant other feel safe to express themselves. Communication could help you gain much-needed clarity on the situation.
Should You Give Your Significant Other an Ultimatum?
So is it time to give your significant other an ultimatum? You’re in a complex, painful position in your relationship. You want to be clear about your expectations and hope for the future. At the same time, you want clarity from the person you’re dating. Where do they stand? Do they want the same things as you?
You might have reached the point where you just need to know so you can move on. Maybe it seems like giving an ultimatum will force them to finally answer.
Sometimes, we don’t come to clear positions in relationships because we’re so afraid of what the answer will be. It’s easy to hide from the truth and go along like nothing’s wrong. So if you’re thinking of giving an ultimatum, you have to decide: Is getting closure and soothing your anxiety over the situation more important to you? An ultimatum means you risk losing your relationship. Will that loss be more painful than not knowing where your significant other stands?
Giving the Engagement Ultimatum
There’s nothing wrong with giving an ultimatum. It could absolutely help you come to clear terms within the relationship. But you must be willing to live with the potential consequences.
If you’re planning to give an ultimatum, do it with as much kindness as possible. You could try saying something like, “This situation is getting intolerable for me. I just need to know now or move on, so I need you to make a choice. And I know it’s hard for you. I don’t know all the factors in that. But if you can’t make a decision one way or the other, then I’m going to make it for us.” You can give them a date by which you’d like them to decide.
Setting a date is important when you give ultimatums. Do it with grace, but be honest. If you can’t handle waiting any longer, then it’s time to set a boundary so you can move forward with peace of mind.
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Have you been in a prolonged dating relationship before? Are you in one now? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
How often does this situation occur if the relationship is not sexual? I would guess rarely. Because the man will either decide that being able to have the physical relationship is worth getting marriage, or move on to a woman who will allow it without marriage. Not to reduce us men to that low a bar, but the truth is what it is!