“I’m not happy in this marriage anymore. I want a divorce.”
One of the most painful experiences a person can have in life is learning that their spouse wants a divorce. No one marries with this ending in mind. We often enter marriage with overflowing optimism and hope for the future.
Maybe your spouse has expressed a desire to end the marriage, but you want another chance to revive it. Is there anything you can do to breathe life back into this relationship? Should you try to change their mind, or is it time to let go?
It Takes Two to Revive A Marriage
First, we admire your determination to hang in there and turn things around. It’s devastating to realize that the future you planned may not happen as you’d hoped. But the truth is, your marriage can only be revived if both of you are willing to put in the work to make it healthy again.
It takes two people who are committed to a marriage to keep that marriage together. Your conviction alone can’t stop your spouse from walking away. They have to be open to giving the relationship another chance. In this scenario, the only person you can control is yourself. It may not be possible to change your spouse’s mind.
Be Clear About What You Want
If your spouse is determined to leave, it’s crucial that you get clear about what you want. Some people choose to stand for their marriage regardless of their spouse’s decision. It’s a rare calling, and you’ll need to be sure this is the right path for you.
You can say something to your spouse like, “Even if you divorce me, in my heart, I’m still open to you. If you’re ever open to reconciliation, I’m here.” It takes strength and resilience to stand in that conviction, and it still might not sway your spouse.
Prepare Yourself for Whatever Comes Next
Let’s say you stand your ground and fight for your marriage, yet your spouse still chooses to leave. If that happens, you’ll need to prepare for a difficult season ahead. You’ll have an array of emotions to navigate, and a new future to envision.
You may feel a sense of failure, and you’ll likely feel guilt and a sense of self-punishment. You may ruminate, thinking you could have done more when maybe you didn’t. On the other hand, you might grieve everything you tried to do that seemingly fell flat.
Here’s one of the most important things you should know through this process, no matter what happens: If your spouse divorces you, that doesn’t mean you were a failure. It means the marriage was a failure, and it takes two people to choose to stay in a marriage.
If You Both Choose to Try Again
If your spouse agrees to try again, it’s essential to get the right support for your marriage. Working with a trusted counselor, and maybe even seeking out marriage mentors, could make all the difference for the outcome. This path won’t be easy, but it could pay dividends.
A SYMBIS facilitator can help you through this season by administering the SYMBIS Assessment, then helping the two of you get to know one another on a deeper level. Our book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, is the companion title to the SYMBIS Assessment. Each copy of the book includes $5 off the assessment. Learn more and order your copy here.
Have you and your spouse ever faced divorce, then come out on the other side stronger than before? How did you navigate that? Share your story in the comments.
