Choosing to be parents—or not to be—is one of the most important decisions you and your spouse will ever make. But what happens when you’ve reached a decision together… and one of you changes your mind? If you and your spouse agreed not to have kids, but they’ve had a change of heart, what should you do?
Maybe you entered into your marriage with a deep conviction that you never wanted kids. You were both on the same page, and you felt fortunate to have found someone who had a similar outlook on the future. It’s rare to share that vision.
So now that your spouse has expressed a change of mind, you’re feeling shocked, hurt, and maybe a little betrayed. What happened to the agreement you made? What will the future look like if your original vision is no longer mutual?
Take a Moment to Appreciate Your Spouse’s Honesty
It’s natural for you to feel confused, upset, and maybe even heartbroken at this revelation. You felt secure in your agreement to focus on other life pursuits besides parenthood, and you believed that dream would help you both feel fulfilled. But we invite you to take a walk in your spouse’s shoes before you react.
It likely took a lot of courage for your spouse to express how they’re feeling. They’re aware of the plans you made, and of how much you looked forward to that future. But they also recognize the importance of being honest with you. In sharing their feelings, they’ve taken a big step in sharing their authentic heart.
Authenticity and the ability to share your feelings is at the heart of a healthy marriage. You fell in love with your spouse’s genuine nature, and who they are as a person. Even though their feelings toward having children may have shifted, try to appreciate their continued efforts to be true to themselves—and truthful with you.
It would be unfair to expect your spouse to pretend their dream hasn’t changed. If they truly want to be a parent, then pretending otherwise would mean misery for them. There’s space for both of you to own your feelings as you discuss this together.
Stay Focused on Your Commitment to Your Marriage
Navigating your spouse’s change of heart may be challenging for you both, and it will likely take some time for you to work through. Both of you will need to continue being honest and sharing your desires. Still, stay focused on the foundational commitment you made to each other when you married.
Accept that you may need to continue the conversation over the long term. Set some boundaries you can both agree on for governing these talks. It’s likely that emotions could run high, so you both want to be in a place where you can have these discussions free of distractions. You may also need to agree to take breaks from the conversation from time to time so you can refocus on your relationship with one another.
Above all, having empathy for your spouse will guide you through as you navigate these exchanges. Taking a walk in your spouse’s shoes can change the landscape of your relationship, no matter what you’re going through. That’s why we wrote our book, Trading Places; it’s a guide to seeing the world more clearly through your spouse’s eyes. Learn more about the book and order your copy here.
Have you and your spouse ever faced a disagreement over a major life choice, like having children? How did you get to the other side? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
