When you’re busy with kids, it’s often tough to find time to focus on your marriage. The couples we’ve worked with over the years have told us that making time together is one of their biggest struggles. If you’re wondering how to reclaim some precious time with your spouse, read on.
Carving out time together can be challenging when you have children, no matter their ages. Babies and small children require so much of your time. But when they’re older—say, in their pre-teen and teen years—they rely on you in other ways, such as driving them to (and attending) extracurricular activities.
When you have kids, they naturally want to be with you. They need your time and attention. We once knew a mom who said, “My children would literally take every minute of my day if I gave it to them.” Kids love their parents and want to spend time playing together, having fun, and bonding.
But you and your spouse need one another’s attention, too. There comes a point in a marriage relationship where you need to carve out “husband and wife time” in addition to “mommy and daddy time.” After all, the best gift you can ever give your children is the confidence that you have a solid marriage relationship, even if that requires time away from them. So how do you find that kind of time?
Reevaluate Your Daily Routines
First, reevaluate your life—your daily routines and where you’re spending your time. Can you recapture any time you’ve been missing together? Often, there’s extra time in your day that you haven’t taken full advantage of, and it’s so helpful to identify that and take it back.
Take a little time individually to assess your daily life, then come together to talk about it. You can compare notes to see what you might have missed. After all, each of you will have your own perspectives on time and scheduling. Once you’ve discussed the state of your schedules, take a little time to talk about possible solutions that work for your family.
Reclaim Time Together
Our book, Your Time-Starved Marriage, is a guide to reclaiming that missing time and investing it back into your marriage. We’ve also created two workbooks (his and hers) that contain exercises that will help you determine how you’re spending your time right now. You’ll find that you’re leaving a surprising amount of time on the table that you can have together. Take a look at our couples’ kit and order yours here.
Even amid a busy schedule, taking back snippets of time will add up to pay dividends. Being fully present first thing in the morning, when you greet one another after work, right before bed, or at shared meals can make a positive difference in your relationship. As you’re working through taking your time back, pay attention to possible issues that arise. For instance, some people struggle with feeling like they don’t deserve focused time and attention. Talk about these issues and look for possible solutions together.
Plan More Shared Time
Finally, you can plan more shared time together. Regular date nights are great for nurturing your marriage relationship. Carve out a regular date you can look forward to, whether that’s once a week or once a month—whatever is most realistic for you in this season. Set a goal and work toward it.
Ask for support from family and friends if possible. For example, you could trade babysitting with another couple; you take their kids once a month so they can go on a date, and they do the same for you. Scheduling this time can be challenging, even with a system in place, but your healthy connection to one another is always worth the effort.
Do you and your spouse find it difficult to get couples’ time without the kids? If you don’t, how did you work together to take your time back? Let us know in the comments.
