Lately, you’ve noticed something seems different about your spouse.
They’re not their usual selves. Maybe they’re sleeping a lot more, or a lot less, than usual. Perhaps you’ve noticed a change in their appetite. Maybe they’re suddenly skipping all their favorite activities.
When you think back, you realize the shift has been happening over time. At first, you brushed it off. But it didn’t get better; in fact, it seems to be getting worse.
You’re starting to think that your spouse may have depression. But how can you know? And what can you say or do to help them?
Take a Step Back and Notice the Signs
If you think your spouse might be depressed, don’t treat it lightly. Depression can be a very serious emotional struggle. Start paying closer attention, because the signs of depression can be subtle and slow to appear.
Depression can drain your energy or change your sleep patterns (or ability to sleep). It can alter your appetite or eating habits. Your usual routines might fall by the wayside, or you might feel disinterested in things you normally enjoy.
Noticing these subtle shifts in your spouse’s day-to-day life and interactions will help you determine when to speak up. Your spouse may not even realize they’re depressed. Sometimes it’s hard to admit to yourself that what you’re dealing with is more than just a low mood; it’s a bigger issue that needs addressing.
What to Say
Sometimes, all it takes is a compassionate witness to hold space. Depending on your situation, it may not take a professional to speak into your spouse’s life. Maybe they need you to be there for them in the midst of pain.
You could try saying something like, “I’ve been noticing that you seem a bit overwhelmed, or like something is bothering you. Your energy is lower than usual. How are you feeling? I’m here if you want to talk.”
Help them feel like you’ve got their back. You’re coming from a place of compassionate concern, rather than judgment or criticism. Offer them support and understanding, and help them feel safe to express what they’re going through.
It’s not helpful to tell your spouse to “snap out of it” or “get over it.” Depression doesn’t work that way. It can’t be treated harshly. Your spouse couldn’t control it even if they tried, so don’t treat them in a way that makes it worse.
What to Do Next
In situations like this, it’s important to seek medical advice from a doctor. Depression can have a biological root cause. It can also be psychological. Someone can experience depression without really knowing why.
Sometimes, a person will go through a depressed period related to specific circumstances. In that case, you’ll probably know why your spouse is experiencing this. They’re reacting to something specific in their life. We call this dysthymia in psychology: a type of low-grade, mild depression.
If your spouse’s depression is circumstantial, it might take some time to shift. Some old-fashioned conversation between the two of you could pay dividends. It’s going to be a matter of patience and empathy.
Whatever your circumstances, it’s always helpful to have an extra layer of guidance. Our book, Healthy Me, Healthy Us, walks couples through the process of becoming healthier individuals. Your relationships can only be as healthy as you are, so start the journey now.
Have you and your spouse walked through a season of depression together? How did you navigate it? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
I struggled for years w suicidal thoughts and they are very scary. My husband loves me but really doesn’t know how to be supportive in these situations. These thoughts come and go. I feel like I have come a long way w these thoughts but sometimes I get triggered. This weekend a couple friend of ours was having depression and he lit a small fire and they both died. He didn’t want to take medications. When I heard this. It shook me to the core that he would do this. It angers me too.
Please advise.