“Were you on FaceTime with them again?!”
You need deep friendships, good conversation, and enriching interactions in your life. The problem is, your spouse says you spend too much time talking to your friends. So when you find yourselves at odds about where you each invest your time, what should you do?
Maybe your spouse has criticized the amount of time you spend with friends. Perhaps they’ve questioned why you talk to them so often on the phone or over texts. Friendships are an essential and enriching part of life, so it’s important to you that your spouse understands and respects that need. So what can you do?
Differences in Daily Circumstances
First, consider that your spouse may not fully understand where you’re coming from. Your daily routines may differ wildly; maybe they get more day-to-day interactions than you do. For instance, let’s say that you run a business from home, but they work in a corporate environment. It’s possible that your spouse feels fulfilled and mentally stimulated by their own career, routine interactions with colleagues, and organizations they’re a part of.
On the other hand, maybe you operate in isolation. You do your work at home, you’re not part of an in-office team, and when your business obligations are done, you take on your other responsibilities alone, too. Your spouse can’t seem to see that even though you’re busy with daily tasks, you also need to spend time with friends outside your regular routine.
If you have children, that adds another layer to the mix. You care deeply about your kids, but you don’t get the same fulfilling interactions with them that you get with peers. There might not always be time to be together with friends in person, so talking to one another on the phone or via text messages is the next best thing.
Explain What You Need
It’s important to explain what you need to your spouse, and why it matters that you interact with your friends. Your spouse may not realize that you draw energy from talking to them. It’s possible that they feel fulfilled and mentally stimulated enough at work, while you still need personal connection outside of work hours. You could try explaining, “I love spending time with you, but I need to recharge my batteries with friends from time to time. It helps keep me going.”
Stay as calm as possible when you respond; it’s important to avoid getting defensive, although it’s human nature to feel frustrated. Consider sitting down together and chat about the ways in which each of you feel great about investing your time. What do you value investing in? What about your spouse? Can you find ways these things overlap so you can find common ground?
Make Progress Through Reflection
You can also reflect back to your spouse—something like, “Hey, honey, it sounds like you’re really worried that I’m not spending enough time with you (the kids, etc.) because I’m talking to my friends.” Your spouse might say, “Yes, that’s how I feel.” If they know you’re hearing them, that can defuse a lot of tension in the conversation.
This can also create an opportunity to find a compromise that works better for both of you. Maybe you’re not completely giving up the time you spend with your friends, but you might agree to a specific time frame. There may be a few days a week where you commit to spending less time on the phone and giving your spouse more undivided attention. Ultimately, it’s important for you to find a middle ground that helps you both feel satisfied with the amount of time you’re spending together, but also allows for other relationships to thrive.
If you and your spouse are struggling to find more time to devote to each other, take a look at our book, Your Time-Starved Marriage. It’s a road map to making more quality time for one another in the midst of a busy life. Learn more and pick up your copy here.
Has your spouse ever criticized your interactions with friends? How did you clear that hurdle together, while maintaining healthy friendships? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
