Does your spouse have an expensive hobby?
When your partner’s pastimes blow the budget, that can feel stressful, especially when you’re careful about your own spending. If this sounds familiar, what should you do? Can you convince your spouse to be more frugal?
You don’t want your spouse to stop doing the things that make them happy. At the same time, you feel resentful of the sacrifices you’ve made—which they don’t seem concerned about. It’s important to you that things feel fair, but right now, they don’t.
Consider Your Spouse’s Perspective
It’s understandable that you might feel worried or stressed about expenses associated with your spouse’s hobbies and pastimes, especially if those aren’t shared activities. For instance, maybe your spouse likes to golf. You worry about the cost of golfing, but your spouse says that’s where business deals are made, and it’s important for advancing their career.
It’s important to take your spouse’s perspective and the facts associated with their hobby into account. Maybe this activity really does benefit them in their business or career. Deals are truly made on the golf course.
Perhaps this activity is something that’s a part of who they are and helps them feel most like themselves. You want them to feel at their best, while also honoring agreements you’ve made about finances. Understanding your spouse’s perspective and walking in their shoes are your first steps toward having a productive conversation about their hobby.
Examine Your Feelings Honestly
Once you’ve looked at your spouse’s hobby through their eyes, examine your own feelings honestly. Is this more about your spouse’s expectations, your own, or a mutual understanding? It’s important to consider your thought processes around your own decision making.
Understanding your own perspective will give you a clear picture of the situation before you talk with your spouse about your concerns. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you feel resentful that you gave up costly hobbies while your spouse continues to participate in theirs?
- Did you give these interests up voluntarily, or because you thought you should?
- Did you make a mutual agreement to set aside expensive pastimes in general?
- If you gave up those hobbies voluntarily, did you expect your spouse to do the same?
Establish Clear Agreements and Boundaries
Next, it’s essential to discuss and establish boundaries around hobbies and spending that feel good to both of you. It’s important to stay engaged in the activities that help you both be the best version of yourselves. It’s also possible to establish boundaries and budgets that work well for your mutual and family goals.
If you’ve given up activities you’d like to resume, have that discussion. Be honest with yourselves and one another. If you would have liked to remain active in your own hobbies, look at ways to get involved again. Make sure the arrangement feels as fair as it can.
This isn’t about tit for tat and keeping score. Instead it’s about finding a workable middle ground you can both feel satisfied with. Marriage requires compromise, and that includes coming to agreements on activities and the expenses associated with them.
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Does your spouse have an expensive hobby? Do you? How do you set boundaries around the associated costs? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
