See if this sounds familiar: Your spouse has been drinking more and more often, and it has nagged at you for a while now. They often seem stressed, and the drinking is worse on hard days.
You’ve started to notice a shift in their behavior, and they’re hungover more often than they used to be. Now, you worry that their drinking could affect their ability to work and go about their daily routine. These days, their favorite pastime seems to be drinking on evenings and weekends, and the trend is beyond concerning.
Maybe you’ve tried to talk to them about this, but they don’t see a problem. And the truth is, the human mind is very good at denying reality. Your spouse might truly believe they can stop drinking whenever they want, but you see someone who has become increasingly reliant on alcohol to get through the week.
Is there anything you can do to help your spouse see the problem? If so, what? Read on, and let’s talk about it.
Understanding Your Spouse’s Addiction
If your spouse is relying on alcohol to manage stress or dull pain, they’re dealing with an addiction. The issue of addiction is usually a combination of a few things:
- Your spouse has lost control over a physical reality; for instance, they want to escape from something like stress or emotional pain
- They feel powerless over whatever they’re trying to run from; they’re unable to cope with or resolve it
Realize that very real pain led to this scenario, and remember to empathize with your spouse as you’re working through this together. Facing their pain will be incredibly vulnerable and difficult for them to face. It will mean hard work on their part if they want to overcome the addiction.
If You’ve Already Tried Confronting Your Spouse…
Let’s say you’ve already confronted your spouse about their drinking problem, but you haven’t been able to get anywhere. They don’t seem concerned about the issue, and they insist alcohol doesn’t interfere with their life. What else can you do?
Consider seeing a professional counselor who can help you navigate the situation. Consulting a professional who’s had experience with addiction recovery can help bring you clarity on the next right steps. You want to go through this process with someone who has experience helping couples overcome substance abuse.
One of the most popular ways of handling someone who may have a drinking problem is an intervention. This involves a collection of people they care about, often family and friends, coming together to help them confront the issue. Rather than facing the issue alone, you’re inviting significant people in their life who share the same concerns to join you in encouraging them to get help.
Because the pain behind addiction is so painful to face, your spouse may be in denial at first. Denial can be firmly rooted in a person’s personality. Therefore, it can take a team working together to uproot that defensiveness and get your spouse on the path to recovery.
While you’re navigating this painful situation, it’s important to take care of yourself. Our book, Healthy Me, Healthy Us, is a guide to helping you better focus on your individual wellbeing, because your relationships can only be as healthy as you are. Take a look and get your copy here.
Have you ever navigated addiction in your marriage? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
This advice is probably helpful for some, but misses the mark for many situations. Not every drinker is stressed or emotionally suffering. alcohol is highly addictive and since it is so widely accepted and thought to be a sign of sophistication, relaxation and fun in social settings, the addictive nature often claims lives from “normal” use. The advice to drink moderately is also a problem, moderate drinking is considered to be two drinks a day for men and one for women. That is habitual behavior that easily leads to addiction. If you measure the alcohol for a drink it is recommended to use 1-1,1/2 ounces, how many people measure when they make a drink? My husband doesn’t. Open drinking is easy to confront, sneaking around, hiding bottles and denying it’s stronghold leads the sober spouse to “suffer in silence” and to pretend that all is well with family and fellow church members, knowing that “Payday Someday” is inevitable. If addiction were the only danger, alcoholics would only need to sober up and all would be well, right? Drinking has many serious side effects and health dangers that are rarely discussed or acknowledged. Alcohol use is also dangerous because it is so widely promoted, accepted and available, almost every corner in my town has a liquor store. Even grocery stores sell wine now, so it is easily available. My local Kroger sells tote bags at the checkout that say, “Wine is basically fruit salad”, a lie from the pit of hell. Yet, that is the message children see at eye level every time they stand there waiting. I have complained many times but the manager refuses to move the bags to the wine department.
After many years of watching my husband deceptively, quietly and secretly drink, first blaming myself, then blaming him, occasionally blaming God I have decided that ultimately it is my husband’s choice, despite my prayers, entreaties, tears, pleadings, or offers to help in any way. He continues because he claims it is because I want to control him, but really he continues because he wants to. I realize that I am not his Holy Spirit so I am going to shut up and wait for God to bring conviction where I cannot. If he never stops, I will have to live with his choice. all the health consequences and side affects I will face too. Many words to say that, worldliness is in the church is a real problem. Yes, many people drink to relieve stress or change their mood, but the insidious nature of alcohol causes serious addition from even “social” drinking.
The recommendations and advice, while genuine presents so easy and positively yielding of results that in reality and real time are not the actuality in dealing with a spouse who has a substance abuse disorder. The abuse of alcohol is beyond destructive and the impact on a spouse is that they are now a passive alcoholic or substance abuser too. The mental and spiritual toll in addition to the physical toll on the relationship and daily living has to all be taken into account with alcohol abuse. There is an aftermath for every drink and some things are irreversible and unrepairable. With my spouse, I experienced them having a near fatal medical event that resulted in them being in the Intensive Care Unit for four days experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms that nearly killed them because in suffering the medical cardiac event, I was unaware to communicate that they had consumed alcohol possibly leading up to this because they hid their binge drinking that occurred frequently and then they would go days without drinking. I will add, I felt stupid and embarrassed for not knowing when talking to medical professionals as they worked to figure out what was going on. Other than The Lord capturing their attention physically, I can not explain how this time led to the severity of withdrawal symptoms that nearly killed them. While we bless The Lord for healing and preserving life. The emotional trauma from this experience is real and something I face daily. The distrust is still there, the embarrassment is still there, and honestly there is added emotional trauma due to flashbacks of being by my spouse’s side as the stages of withdrawal happened from a seizure to delirium tremors and hallucinations. I was spoken to aggressively and experienced a week of sleepless nights as I watched oxygen levels and ensured they kept their oxygen mask on and IVs in them throughout the nights. It was difficult, but The Lord’s grace was sufficient and kept me at peace and trusting in Him. The Lord was my strength. It’s the afterwards that I am still needing healing for. The emotional trauma and emotional response to the flashbacks. The not being able to see an alcohol commercial, or bottle, or smell alcohol without my heart racing and me experiencing slight shortness of breath. To say “just a drink” or “social drinker” is in my opinion an open door to substance abuse, alcoholism, and the destruction mentally, spiritually, and physically of both the user and the innocent people directly connected to them. While my spouse may not drink again because of nearly dying, there is a 50% chance they will. Now, my spouse has a chronic heart condition, requires medication daily, and has significant medical debt. All impacting me as well. Let’s also add that they have known Christ, grown up in the faith, and served in spiritual leadership roles. None of that mattered or had an impact in the place of darkness and the enemy’s desire to kill, steal, and destroy.
I share this to encourage someone that the road with alcohol addiction and substance abuse is unpredictable and painful, but The Lord is faithful. I trust and believe Jehovah Rapha, The Lord God My Healer and encourage myself in His Word. There is greater ahead and while the road ahead is still unknown. The Lord knows, Jeremiah 29:11. Encourage your spouse to seek help and if you have suspicions act upon them. My spouse had a 50% chance of not being in the land of the living. They still have purpose on this earth. My prayer is they walk in it with a humble heart where The Holy Spirit resides.
If you are reading this, know you are not alone and there is someone else who has some connection to the hurt, pain, and emotional suffering you are experiencing as a result of your spouse’s choices and actions involving alcohol. For you too, I trust The Lord is able to and will heal both of you.