“We agreed on 50-50, but I don’t even get 50% from him/her! This split isn’t working for me at all.”
Maybe you divided household, financial, or parenting responsibilities in a way that felt fair early in your marriage. But now, things have shifted; maybe you’re entering a new season, or you simply realized the old arrangement never worked in the first place. How do you renegotiate?
We often say, “You want to be fair, or you want to be married,” because life isn’t fair, and neither is marriage. Scorekeeping is for sports, not for your relationship. When we get preoccupied with what’s fair and what’s not in your relationship, we lose sight of what each spouse needs in any given season.
The point isn’t to be fair or to create a 50-50 transaction for your life. It’s to respect and take seriously one another’s deepest needs and desires. It’s better to build our marriage around our true needs, rather than what looks fair on paper.
So let’s say you and your spouse made an agreement early in your relationship, but it’s not working out for you anymore. There are a few ways this scenario could play out:
- You’re doing more than the 50% you agreed to
- Your spouse isn’t giving the 50% you expected of them
- Your life has changed since the newlywed days (maybe you became parents) and now the mix of responsibilities needs to shift
- Your spouse needs to let go of some of their responsibilities, but they’re reluctant to let you carry more
In all these scenarios, it’s crucial to renegotiate your agreement so you can each feel closer to getting your needs met. Compromises will still be necessary, but it’s possible to work toward a better arrangement that feels more satisfying.
Renegotiating Your Responsibilities
Let’s narrow it down to a common scenario and talk about possible solutions: You’ve been carrying your 50% of the responsibilities, and then some. You’re now facing a season that requires you to hand off more than what you originally agreed to do (for instance, this could be a career change, the birth of a child, or the need to care for an aging parent). The problem is, your spouse hasn’t held up their end of the deal in a long time, and you need them to take on more than 50% now. How do you start that conversation?
Set aside some distraction-free time when you and your spouse are both rested and focused. Be honest about how you’re feeling and what your fears are. In turn, listen to your spouse; their perspective may build empathy and greater understanding of the current situation.
Get on the same page about where you’re headed, and what it will take to get there. Creating a shared vision will help you get clear. What do you each want? What do you want as a couple? How can you be on the same team instead of playing on opposing sides?
Build the future through your shared history. If your spouse has always taken care of you in the past, that’s an indication they will continue. Find your focus, and know that in time, the tide will turn. Life ebbs and flows, and so do the seasons of marriage. Be generous and loving with one another, and be willing to be flexible as you move forward together.
Discussions around life issues like responsibilities, goals, dreams, and finances can easily devolve into arguments if you don’t approach them with care. Our book, The Good Fight, will help you navigate potential conflicts that spring up during negotiations. Learn more about the book and pick up your copy here.
Have you and your spouse ever renegotiated your household, financial, or parenting responsibilities? How did you work together to find a solution that felt good for both of you? Leave us a comment and let us know.
