Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a while now, and you’re ready to start talking about marriage. You love this person and can envision spending the rest of your life with them. But what do you do if your significant other isn’t ready to talk about marriage–or, worse, doesn’t want to get married at all?
If the person you’re dating isn’t ready for marriage yet…
If your significant other isn’t ready for marriage yet, then it’s important to respect where they stand. Maybe they’ve expressed that they want a marriage in the future, but they have their reasons for delaying that decision for now. In that case, you’ll want to take a step back and manage your expectations around the timeline of this relationship and how things will play out.
Sharing the same long-term goals with a significant other is special. If they’re not ready to take the next steps at the moment, it’s good to communicate with one another about why. Here are some prompts to get the conversation started.
- Why is your significant other putting on the brakes? Allow them to be completely honest with you.
- How do each of you feel about the length of time you’ve been dating? Does one of you feel that you’ve been together long enough, while the other prefers dating for longer before talking about marriage?
- What goals might they have (financial, career, etc.) that could make getting married more complicated at this time?
- Why are you feeling anxious to get married right now? Explore what’s going on in your world, including external pressures and expectations, or even pressure you might be putting on yourself.
Having an open conversation about each of your mindsets and expectations will go a long way toward soothing anxious feelings and opening a more honest dialogue. Besides, good communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy marriage–so it’s good to start now.
If your significant other says they don’t want to get married…
Even when you love someone, if they insist on staying single, it’s important to understand that you probably won’t be able to change their mind. Maybe they’re glad to be in a relationship with you now, but ultimately, you don’t have the same long-term goals. When this happens, it’s crucial for you to face the facts of the situation and get clear on what you both want.
Take some time to think through your long-term expectations for any serious relationship. First, be completely honest with yourself about what those expectations are. Then, communicate that to your significant other.
If you’re looking for someone to share married life with–not just dating or cohabitation–you need to communicate that. Be crystal clear that you want to be married. If the person you’re dating remains firm, that means you’ll have a difficult decision to make in the short-term.
Ultimately, though, this is your life. It might be painful to step away from a relationship that isn’t going to meet your needs. Still, it’s better to go your separate ways than to fight for a scenario you might not ever experience with this person.
Stay True to Your Vision for Your Life
The dream you have for your life is a vision that you deeply value, so it’s important to stay true to yourself. It’s always possible that your significant other might change their mind, but don’t pressure them into a decision. Seek professional counseling to help you navigate the situation. If the person you’re dating is willing to explore counseling with you, it’s possible that you might both gain more clarity on where each of you stand.
Therapy might uncover trauma or other issues in your significant other’s background that contribute to their reluctance to marry. Wise counsel may be able to help them navigate those feelings and come to a different conclusion. Still, your job is to carefully observe and stay true to your dream.
Marriage is a sacred, treasured value to have–so if you want that for your life, hold onto that dream. Trying to make a relationship work when the two of you don’t want the same things is painful, and you’ll likely prevent yourself from finding a future partner who does want to be married. By the same token, it’s worth waiting for someone who does want the same things as you, but just might not be ready right now.
If you want a little extra guidance navigating relationships, including learning how to break up without falling apart, check out our book, Real Relationships. We’ve also included some tips on finding the love of your life. Get your copy here.
Have you dated someone who wasn’t ready to talk about marriage–or who didn’t want to marry at all? How did you handle it? Share your stories with us in the comments.
Great article. I am a widower and am dating a woman that has been divorced for 20 years and has had a couple bad relationships during that time. She is struggling with marriage because of being so independent for so long. We both are 70 and in great health and very active. We both feel that a long team dating relationship is not real beneficial because of our ages. So together we are navigating these feelings and desires. Some what of a challenge for both of us.
How do you counsel a couple who are married but the men is not ready to have a child, while the women is aging rapidly. Both are believers in Jesus.