If your spouse is unwilling or afraid to go to marriage counseling, what can you do?
It’s not uncommon for at least one spouse to resist counseling, at least at first. Reasons can range from fear and denial to unwillingness to participate. Sometimes, one spouse may feel counseling is unnecessary, while the other sees a need for help.
You can’t make your spouse attend counseling with you, but you can begin working on your own wellbeing. Often, people ask whether solo counseling will do any good. But here’s the great news: going to counseling on your own can do a lot of good, for both you and your marriage.
Start By Working on Yourself
A marriage can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it. That’s the philosophy behind our book, Healthy Me, Healthy Us. We understand your desire to bring your spouse along to counseling, but there’s so much you can do on your own—likely more than you realize.
The most important thing you can ever do for your relationship is to work on who you are in the context of it. That’s why sometimes, one person can make all the difference in a marriage. You don’t have to wait on your spouse to start working toward a healthier relationship.
Every healthy choice you make has the synergistic possibility of bringing your spouse along in different ways. Your growth and wellbeing will be inspiring to them. They might even feel encouraged to grow alongside you.
Your Health Can Bring New Equilibrium
An analogy we’ve made for many years is this: Your marriage is a bit like a mobile that hangs from the ceiling. If you were to move one little piece of it, the whole thing would swing wildly out of control until it finds its new equilibrium. The same thing happens in a marriage.
When one person makes a change, the whole relationship has to find a new balance. That person causes the marriage to grow. And it’s possible that your spouse will change as a result of your change.
Open the Floor for Honest Conversation
It may be worthwhile to open the floor for an honest conversation with your spouse about why they fear going to counseling. Don’t pressure them for an answer. Rather, create space that will feel safe for them to express their worries, if they choose to.
In the meantime, keep taking care of yourself, modeling healthier choices for yourself along the way. Stay consistent with your own counseling, and continue to love your spouse well. Your spouse may eventually feel ready to talk about their misgivings, which could help you pave a path forward together.
Change Takes Time
All worthwhile change takes time and patience. Be willing to wait for your spouse while you seek support yourself. You might be surprised at the transformation your own wellbeing inspires.
Have you and your spouse ever disagreed on seeing a marriage counselor? How did you overcome the situation? Let’s discuss it in the comments.
