Do you find it difficult to encourage your spouse?
Maybe you feel awkward, uncertain, or even unheard when you offer praise. Perhaps your spouse rejects your encouragement. You might even find yourself thinking (or saying), “I just can’t seem to say anything right!”
Sometimes, it’s hard to know what to say. If you’re a person of few words or your personality is more introverted, expressing praise can feel uncomfortable. And if your spouse struggles with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy in certain areas, it can be difficult for them to hear and accept encouraging words. In both scenarios, there are a few things you can do to lift your spouse up.
Ask How You Can Affirm Your Spouse
If you’re struggling to say the right things, ask your spouse, “How can I encourage you?” Let them know you love them and want to show your support. Then, take time to listen and understand their response.
Be open to truly hearing them. Your spouse might want to receive praise in a different way than you’ve delivered it in the past. They might also want to hear praise about things that feel unimportant to you. Whatever the answer, it will be important to intentionally find ways to meet their needs. As much as you can, offer them the kind of support they ask for and see how your dynamics shift.
What Does Your Spouse Like To Be Praised For?
Every person has a sweet spot where they like to be praised. This is usually an area of insecurity. If your spouse often looks for validation in a particular area, offer them praise here. When they do a great job in that area, they want to hear about it.
You know your spouse better than anyone else. Where are they most vulnerable? In what areas do they long for praise from you? Think about areas where they’ve struggled or expressed insecurity. Maybe they:
- Just started a new job and want reassurance as they move forward
- Are struggling in a certain relationship, such as with a friend or family member
- Feel insecure about their parenting approach
- Want to know you enjoy the meals they prepare
- Struggle with how they feel about their appearance
Wherever your spouse craves praise, lean into that. Often, these areas are things we take for granted, but they matter a great deal to our spouse. For instance, one of Leslie’s sweet spots is food preparation.
Leslie wants to know that I (Les) enjoy the meals she prepares because of the time and effort she puts into them. If she spends two hours cooking and I don’t say anything about dinner, she questions the effort. I’ve tried to be very intentional about giving her positive feedback here, because I know that’s one of her sweet spots.
If you’re struggling to find the right things to say, step back and pay attention to things you might take for granted. When was the last time you paid a compliment for something that feels ordinary? It might mean a great deal to your spouse. Giving your spouse words of affirmation in these specific areas can be powerful.
Everyday Problems Can Make Your Marriage Stronger
Once in a while, you’ll need to learn new ways to encourage your spouse. This, and other everyday problems, can actually make your marriage stronger if you let them. Our book, I Love You More, shows you how. Take a look and pick up your copy here.
Have you and your spouse struggled with giving or receiving praise? How did you overcome it? Let us know in the comments.
