Are you competing with your in-laws for your spouse’s attention?
Many married couples experience this friction, especially when it comes to your relationship with your in-laws. How much time spent with parents is too much? And on the flip side, how much time and attention can you rightfully demand from your spouse?
Relationships are important, especially because family creates part of the essential support system every person needs. No one can thrive without community. Still, if you and your spouse are at odds over how much attention the in-laws get, it’s worth digging deeper.
If your spouse feels compelled to prioritize your in-laws over you, early childhood emotions and patterns could be driving that. Understanding their motivations could help you better communicate your needs. It’s possible to find a solution that works for you both; here’s what you need to explore.
Is your spouse following unconscious family rules?
All families have their own rules for relating to and interacting with each other. At the same time, you and your spouse each have your own expectations for your marriage—unspoken or not. Maybe your spouse’s family expects them to spend a lot of time together, while you expect your spouse to prioritize spending time with you. It’s very possible that your spouse feels conflicted about whose expectations they should meet first.
Family “rules” tend to guide us unconsciously. They describe what people should or shouldn’t do, and how they should or shouldn’t behave, with no consideration for the individual’s desires or preferences. In other words, what you want for yourself isn’t necessarily as important as what your family expects from you.
Maybe your in-laws’ unspoken rules dictate that your spouse should never disappoint one or both parents. Your spouse might be expected to put the family first. And even if they intended to “leave and cleave” after marriage, perhaps they’re still feeling pulled by that invisible tether.
Family “roles” can dictate how we relate to our parents.
What “role” did your in-laws assign to your spouse growing up? Families dictate what role each child plays. For instance, if your spouse is the firstborn, they might have been given a high level of responsibility early on. Today, they might be expected to take care of their parents, or at the very least, keep them happy.
Whatever your spouse’s original role, they might be spending time with their parents to fulfill assumed obligations. The roles we play in our family of origin dictate patterns throughout our lives, and they influence our relationships, too. Consider what roles each of you have played in your life, and use that context to examine how those roles translate today.
Ask your spouse to be fully present with you.
Once you’ve discussed any individual roles and patterns that could be influencing this dynamic, it’s time to look for a solution. Let your spouse know how important it is to have dedicated time together, where you’re both fully present. The answer might be to make a gradual shift, rather than an abrupt one.
You could try saying something like, “I don’t mind you being close to your parents. I want you to be able to be there for them. But there I need you to set aside more time just for us.”
If possible, talk about boundaries that feel fair to both of you. Honor your spouse’s desire to be there for your in-laws. Continue to support it at an appropriate level. But it’s fair for you to ask for more focused time. And if you need help navigating any conflict that may arise, our book, The Good Fight, can help you do that.
Have you ever had to “fight” for your spouse’s attention? How did you overcome the conflict while still honoring your in-laws? Let us know in the comments.
