“There’s no way I’ll face the same problems as I did in my first marriage. I’m marrying a completely different person this time!”
That’s a common misconception among remarrying people. Remarriage doesn’t erase the pitfalls every married couple faces. In fact, the baggage you bring from your first marriage could amplify your challenges.
The truth is, people entering their second marriage often believe several myths that create obstacles in their new relationship. Releasing your attachment to these myths could mean the difference between a successful remarriage and avoidable heartache. Let’s debunk three of these common remarriage myths now.
Myth #1: “This time, we have shared expectations.”
Without realizing it, you and your partner could have completely different expectations for your second marriage. For instance, one of you might crave a predictable, stable routine with a grounded home life. Maybe the other wants more adventure and spontaneity in the mix. If you haven’t communicated those expectations ahead of time, you’ll be blindsided once you get married.
The first year of remarriage could reveal contrast and conflicts you never saw coming. Your predictable security routine could seem boring to your new spouse. On the other hand, their craving for spontaneity could feel destabilizing to you.
Most incongruent expectations either stem from unconscious roles or unspoken rules. In that case, it could be helpful to identify what roles each of you unconsciously plays. Most people either emulate role models they grew up with, or they play the role they played in their previous marriage.
It’s also crucial to examine each of your unspoken rules. What expectations govern your actions and reactions? What silent rules might you be holding your new spouse to? With awareness, you can write a new story together.
Myth #2: “This time, we’ll adjust to marriage more quickly.”
When remarrying, people tend to be hopeful and optimistic, and that’s not a bad thing. But a common pitfall is believing that you’ll adjust to married life more quickly than you did in your first marriage. Adjusting to a new marriage can take time for you and your partner alone, but if you have children, then that adjustment period will take even longer.
You also have to remember that you and your spouse are bringing baggage from your past relationships into this one. Neither of you will ever be able to fully remove the impact of your first marriage; it’s the price we pay for building deep relationships. Whatever your situation, there are no shortcuts to fully adjusting to your new marriage.
Myth #3: “This time, the good things in our relationship will keep getting better.”
The idea that all good things in your relationship will improve over time is a destructive myth. In fact, some things will get more difficult as time passes. When you remarry, there’s a grieving period involved—and many people aren’t prepared for that. Getting married means giving up some aspects of your previous life in favor of the marriage. You’ll also face the natural complications that come with blending a family, navigating multiple sets of in-laws, and continuing to deal with former spouses, who may be difficult.
We believe the most dramatic loss in any marriage, but especially a second marriage, is when you lose the idealized version of your partner. No one is really prepared to face that reality, but it’s not unusual for spouses to feel that they didn’t marry the person they believed they did. In reality, the romantic fantasy of the honeymoon period doesn’t last. Learn to let go of that fantasy, and you just might experience deeper intimacy than you thought possible.
It’s time to save your second marriage before it starts.
Are you planning to remarry? Our book, Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts, will guide you and your new partner through some of the intricacies and challenges of remarriage—plus, it takes a deeper dive into the myths of remarriage so you’re not caught off-guard. Paired with the SYMBIS Assessment, it’s a powerful tool to help you start this next chapter with strong footing. Take a look and order your copy here.
If you’ve remarried, what myths did you believe going in? Share your experience in the comments.
