“I have high expectations. Is that so wrong?”
Whether they’re spoken or unspoken, expectations play an ongoing role in marriage. Everyone has a list of expectations for their marriage, even if they don’t admit it. Sometimes, the list is unspoken or unconscious. We don’t even know we have a list of unspoken rules until this person we married begins to break ours.
Funny enough, we become very conscious of our own expectations when our spouse doesn’t meet them. Still, we might have no idea what they expect from us. In many scenarios, expectations create disappointment, which can eventually lead to resentment.
The truth is, there’s no way to convince your spouse to meet specific expectations in your marriage. All you can do is become aware of what you expect, and communicate openly with one another. There may be compromises along the way; first, you have to get clear on what your unspoken expectations actually are.
Your Invisible Rule Book
We like to think of expectations as an invisible rule book every person brings into their marriage. You have one, and so does your spouse. If this book remains invisible, you’re setting yourself up for resentment and potential trouble down the road. But if you’re able to communicate and understand these expectations, life will become easier.
Oftentimes, we assume that we expect the same things from marriage. However, that doesn’t always turn out to be true. Your invisible rule book dictates how marriage should go and how life should be lived. When you don’t (or can’t) meet one another’s expectations, that’s when friction arises.
Invisible Rule Books Lead to Magical Thinking
When we hold our expectations close, that can lead to magical thinking: “If he loved me, he would…” or “If she loved me, I wouldn’t have to ask for…” Magical thinking often manifests itself in childhood, when kids believe their thoughts or actions are innately related to misfortunes. Unfortunately, some of us haven’t outgrown that kind of thinking.
Another kind of magical thinking is mind-reading. This can look like expecting your spouse to read your mind, or “reading” theirs and making assumptions about what they’re thinking or feeling at any given time. Both types of magical thinking cause us to be irrational. If we want to stop letting unspoken expectations make us miserable, then we have to stop the magical thinking, too.
Common Unspoken Expectations in Marriage
It’s important for both you and your spouse to feel loved in your marriage. To make that happen, you need to identify and communicate about your expectations. Open communication and the willingness to compromise can help you pave the way for a happy marriage.
Here are just a few kinds of expectations many couples encounter:
- Timeliness (arriving on time vs. being late)
- How frequently intimacy occurs
- Spending versus saving
- Who earns money (one spouse vs. both)
- How to celebrate birthdays and holidays
- Who cares for the children
- Handling family visits and related travel
- Who takes care of the car, the home, etc.
- Navigating and managing finances
- What vacations look like
- Who sets the social calendar
Take some time to journal and discuss any expectations that come to mind. The last thing you want is for either of you to feel unloved because the marriage isn’t unfolding the way you unconsciously envisioned. You truly don’t realize you have rules about what a great marriage looks like until your spouse begins disappointing you.
What Are Your Personal 10 Commandments?
Now, it’s time to journal. We call unspoken expectations your “personal 10 commandments,” so start there. Individually, make a list of your top 10 expectations in your journal. Then, set some time aside to come together and share those things.
Make sure you plan to communicate when you’re both feeling well and well-rested. These conversations can sometimes feel emotionally charged. It’s important you’re not tired, hungry, or distracted when you come to the proverbial table.
To dial in your relationship even further, take our SYMBIS Assessment and pick up a copy of our companion book, Strengthen Your Marriage, written with married couples in mind. Your results could tell you much more about your expectations, and your natural wiring, than you expect. You can learn about both here.
Have you explored your unspoken expectations in marriage yet? Why or why not? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
