“Honey, if I die first, who would you want to marry?”
“If we hadn’t married, who would you have ended up with?”
“Do you find anyone else attractive? Who?”
Every couple has moments and conversations they’d rather take back. Discussing the possibility of being with someone else in the future can create tremendous insecurity and anxiety. That’s true even if the conversation wasn’t entirely serious.
Some thoughts are best left unspoken, and can’t be taken back once they’re said. Knowing your spouse could be attracted to someone else is painful and upsetting, even in the most secure relationships. If you ever asked your spouse a question like this—and received a dismaying answer—this article is for you.
Mutual Safety Can Open Unsettling Conversations
First, it’s wonderful that you two felt safe enough to have a conversation like this with one another. We’ve heard of couples who ask one another who they should marry after the other dies, for instance. These topics can be a bit of a minefield, because despite the safety in your relationship, there’s always a backlash.
Let’s say you suggested someone, and your spouse answered favorably. Now you fear they’re currently attracted to that person. You might have felt secure in your relationship before, but now you’re picturing them being drawn to that other man or woman.
It’s only natural that once you had this discussion, these thoughts would come up. But maybe your fears surrounding this other person are becoming intrusive. How do you stop that thought from being so troubling?
Humor Can Transform Anxiety
Feeling anxious about your spouse’s apparent “attraction” to someone else? Try diffusing that anxiety with humor. This is one place where humor can really pay off for you, because it recasts the perspective honestly.
Remember who your spouse actually chose: you. Then joke about it. Laugh it off. Because the reality is, if you let yourself obsess over this conversation, it could create real problems in your marriage.
Years ago, we played a trivia game with another couple. One of the questions asked which Hollywood actor or actress we were most attracted to. That game happened decades ago, and it still comes up! I (Les) don’t remember my answer, but I certainly remember Leslie’s. We try to inject humor into this whenever it comes back up.
Your spouse is committed to you. They didn’t choose that other person. Keeping reality in focus allows you to make fun of yourself and your tendency to compare yourself to others.
Stop Playing the Comparison Game
No one ever wins the comparison game. When we compare ourselves to other people, we always pick out the other person’s superior traits. We don’t pick out what’s better about ourselves; we do it the other way around.
Comparisonitis rears its head in everyday life, even without conversations about attraction and remarriage. It’s something we like to think of as an everyday problem. And, did you know? Everyday problems can actually strengthen your marriage. It’s a concept we teach in our book, I Love You More. Take a look and pick up your copy here.
Have you ever worried that your spouse was attracted to someone else, or compared yourself to that person? How did you resolve the issue? Let us know in the comments.
