Addiction is an overwhelming illness whose hallmark symptoms are the physiological craving of, and emotional attachment to, a legal or illegal substance or practice. Most often, we see addictions in the form of substances like alcohol, prescription drugs, and illicit drugs.
Substance abuse is devastating to marriages, families, and relationships. It can result in career loss, financial ruin, divorce, estrangement, and even death. Today, we’ll focus on six landmines that substance abuse plants in your marriage when you’re struggling with addiction.
For all of these issues, we strongly encourage that you and your spouse seek outside professional help. Consult your local minister or physician for reliable recovery resources, like a 12-step system that understands your unique struggle. Addiction is not something you can overcome on your own, but with the right help, you will be able to move past this and rebuild your lives.
Denial is risky business when it comes to facing a life-altering issue like addiction. For the addicted spouse, denial comes in the form of the idea that they’re in control of their addiction–they can stop any time they want. This is frustrating for the non-addicted spouse, who can often (eventually) see the problem for what it is, but finds it difficult to impossible to interact with the addicted spouse who is so strongly rooted in denial.
But many times, especially at first, the non-addicted spouse is also in denial. While the other person may display a host of red flags that point to substance abuse, it can feel easier in the moment for the non-addicted spouse to come up with alternate explanations or write off the signs as coincidence. Denial on the part of the non-addicted spouse is dangerous because it delays the possibility of seeking necessary professional help…even if that help only comes in the form of support for the non-addicted person in the marriage.
Whether it’s you or your spouse who is struggling with an addiction, helplessness takes root quickly. After a period of denial has passed, an addicted spouse may feel helpless to control what is happening to them; they find themselves at the mercy of the drug. The non-addicted spouse is likely to feel helpless when it comes to their spouse’s addictive behavior because they can’t do anything to stop it or make the situation better.
Feeling totally out of control of any situation–but especially a situation like this–is terrifying, stressful, and unsettling. Both spouses are at risk of seeking out behavior patterns that make them feel more in control of their lives, which can create a volatile situation in the relationship.
Addiction breeds dishonesty. It’s nearly an inevitable byproduct of substance abuse. The addicted spouse inherently knows that the substance that’s controlling their life shouldn’t be playing a role in it at all. Yet, because the physiological need for it is very real, they find themselves lying to cover up the problem.
However painful it may be, the non-addicted spouse must keep track of their spouse’s dishonesty. It’s essential to learn the telltale signs that the addicted spouse is lying; he or she may fall into a pattern that is easy to recognize. During and after recovery, the non-addicted spouse may still find it difficult to trust their husband or wife, but if they’ve become familiar with his or her patterns during dishonesty, it could become a framework they can use to evaluate the recovering spouse.
Addictive substances tend to steal an addicted spouse’s entire focus (perhaps not at first, but eventually, this tends to be the case). This can lead to the spouse neglecting the needs of their family, plus their responsibilities at home and at work. As a result, the addicted spouse may eventually find themselves jobless and even in the throes of financial ruin.
For the non-addicted spouse, experiencing neglect is detrimental to their health and wellbeing, the health and wellbeing of their children, and the financial stability of the family. Over time, they find themselves shouldering the burden of the addicted spouse’s responsibilities, plus their own. This can lead to anger, resentment, and contempt, which can be difficult to overcome even after the couple has received professional help to overcome the addiction itself.
Physical and Psychological Illness & Pain
Substance abuse often begins when a person is trying to escape pain of some kind. What addicted individuals often don’t realize is that the substance will eventually cause them physical and psychological pain. Addiction also leads to varying types of illness, brought on by the years of self-harm.
For a non-addicted spouse, psychological pain and illness may occur as a result of the tremendous stress brought on by the addiction. Practice radical self-care and talk to your physician or counselor if your family is facing an addiction that has caused your health to deteriorate. Your recovering spouse and any children you may have will need you to be healthy in the coming months as you face this down.
Unfortunately, addiction is capable of creating an abusive environment in your home–be it verbal, physical, emotional, or otherwise. A person who has become addicted to a substance is susceptible to personality changes that include aggression and violence.
If you are a non-addicted spouse and your husband or wife has become abusive, creating a dangerous environment in your home, get yourself and any children you may have to safety. Consult your counselor for the safest way to communicate to your spouse that you have left the home, and you won’t be able to come back until it is safe for you to be there. Encourage them to seek the help they need to get well so that your family can be together again in a healthy environment.
Have you faced addiction in your marriage? What steps did you or your spouse take to overcome it? Leave us a comment below and let us know.
As I read through your blog this morning I realized that “Addiction” has come into my own life but not through the most common substance forms. In this day of gadgets, stuff, food, etc, we may be dealing with other kinds of “addiction” that we are not aware of or are in denial of. I read through the six ways that these “substances” can destroy your marriage and I have to claim most of them in my “Food Addiction”. I can see that because it is something that we need to survive we often have wonderful excuses to indulge! We are at an epidemic level of obesity and are just now just seeing the results of this “addiction”. I have fought this battle most of my life and haven’t won, but I haven’t given up either. Because it is so easily accepted and encouraged, we don’t often look at the devastating effect it has, not only on our marriages but our families, our finances, our health etc.. I can also see an “addiction” coming that may already be in effect and that is with our “gadgets”, cell phones, iPads, computers etc. So thank you for your insight to how to help overcome these addictions.
yes am going through it today my husband of 32 years married and i have been sober 12 yrs but continues to use feel and i get so piss off at his ways cause i know we are not going to make it into 40 yrs of marriage i cry because i can’t help him and i do not want to tell him we won’t last i just have no one and on top of this we help watch our granddaughter i really wish he would be able to get strong for his self and it may save our marriage but i know its going to be another two weeks when im again mad and disappointed in his fail to not use
Hi Jessie I am currently battling addiction with my wife. I work everyday and when I get home I take over the kids so she can rest. Mind you we have 4 kids. She sleeps in till till like 4pm everyday. As soon as she wakes up she thinks about the stupid pain killer. Each pill is $30 and she gets 2 everyday. She has been battling her endometriosis condition for almost 3 years. Things have changed dramatically. She now depends on that drug to so call function but yet doesn’t really do anything. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve told her that it’s affecting our relationship and children. Mind you I have found alternatives to deal with the pain but this addiction she has is a problem. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I don’t want to lose my family but I’m losing myself. I find myself angry everyday over this and it has been affecting me more than anyone can know.
My husband too is a functioning alcoholic, in denial. I have found a great deal of help from a blog writer named Michelle Lisa Anderson; she has been there, and offers many ideas for the wife’s self care, and creating boundaries. For the previous post, the boundary needs to be no longer cleaning up that mess she wakes up to, if she has been cleaning it. Stop helping or assisting the drunk. Stop the cycle where it involves you making it cycle. Please Susan, look up this blog, it will make you cry tears of joy that you are not crazy, and you are not alone! I pray for my husband to come back to God and live right, but I don’t see any desire on his part. Where is his bottom?? So I look to God and do what I need to do in this life!
The question you must ask yourself internally is, when is enough enough and time to go your separate ways in life. Looking to GOD is wonderful but you must also look to yourself for the answers. I have a relative who married the worst man I ever came in contact with. And he is retired in the military. I never met a military man like him who is so mentally off balance in disguise and don’t even know it. And he brags about how intelligent he think he is. He is a functional alcoholic of an intelligent fool. It is so annoying to be around him that I don’t like to visit my folks as often as I use to. And he smokes those funky cigarettes. When I do visit, I now have to sit in the car for a while just to prep my mind to be fake just like him. Substance abusers take on my forms. I think he may feel uncomfortable when I am around because I don’t abuse my temple as I did decades ago. Or he is just a plain asshole or both. Therefore, he has to put on a front of acting so intelligent over everyone to cover up his substance abuse problems. As they say, your are the company you keep. And these days, my company is yours truly which is the best decision I ever made in my lifetime. I never can hate a person, it is the spirit of the energy I oppose of in a person. Everything in life is energy and you can’t see it but only feel it. And when something is out of sync, your vibes will tell you because we are all connected to the Universe. I know when a person has a substance abuse problem because I experience it. So you can’t fool me. I am hoping someday my family member get a divorce and find another man to be with or marry who is more health conscious, even if it is decades from now. He got a divorce from his first wife. It appears she probably got tired of his ways. It is not telling how long he has been a alcoholic. Since he has retired, his belly has gotten outrageously huge and he looks like a clown. I’ve known many military men and I must say he is the most immature retired military man I have ever came in contact with. I feel like I am around a empty soul who think he knows everything. I just play stupid around him and even mispronounce words sometimes so he can feel so intelligent of correcting me. He is a mess in deep disguise. He can put systems in place but can’t apply it to his own life. How backwards is that? For the moment, it is what it is and life must go on.
I am so sorry that you all are going thru this. Praying for each of you. I lived this lifestyle for 18 1/2 years and last year my husband passed away from his addicition. It was pure torture for him. I am happy that he is free and whole again. of course we miss him but … now it is just undoing the many behaviors that we all have learned to deal with. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Upon reading the comments from Susan, I must say that I do find some comfort reading this as I wake up to the same cycle of events. This July we will be 41 years married. My wife has an addiction to smoking pot for the last 20 years. I realize this is the first time I have ever written that acknowledgement. We have been through so many issues in our marriage, and it does not feel like God is asking us to continue to make one another so unhappy. My question to Him is always the same; am I making the “commitment of marriage” the God in my life? The radical self-care comment in the article really struck me, we no longer provide any emotional support for one another. All I ever feel is criticism and condemnation. I feel like the pot has lead to insecurity in the lives of all those in my family who have made it the drug of choice. Her insecurity has taken her down many roads these last 20 years, she cannot feel forgiven by me and therefore continues to find fault in me. I wish God were more of a chatty fellow!
Hi, I write this from the perspective of someone who is currently in the grips of an addiction to pain meds. My wife and I have been married for 22 years, but have no kids. We both have very good jobs and can enjoy lots of things.
My problem developed from a combination of sports injuries in my younger days and my being a musician for most of my life. I have been around drugs and the people who use them, and have always been careful of my choices.
Sports and my constant denial of my body’s age brought me 2 torn ACL’s, and a torn rotator cuff. These effectively ended my ‘weekend warrior’ days. I found that the pain meds worked well for me and actually gave me energy.
I had never had an ‘addiction’ problem, and had progressed to enjoying fine wines. Then, I experienced severe back pain while working in my garden. An MRI revealed 2 herniated disks. I have since had 3 back procedures and am on a constant script of pain meds. I now have numbness in my leg that keeps me from sleeping, and pain even in my foot. For 2 years now they are the only thing that enables me to function. Without them, the pain is more than I can bear. I have found sources to get more than prescribed because they simply are not enough to cover the pain. I have quit twice and know all too well the agony of with drawl. So, here I am, trapped in a situation where I need the meds in order to function. With them, I can play gigs, perform at my job, play golf, and work in the yard, although the physical activities will still leave me on the couch the next day. I no longer get any pleasure from the meds, simply relief. I have no desire to use them for pleasure, and I keep my intake under control, but have found that I need a rate 50% more than what I am prescribed, so I improvise to cover the gap. If something were to happen and I lost the ‘gap plan’, I would be in an agonizing situation. I blame the government for much of this, as they place so much pressure on the doctors that they fear increasing dosages. I have explained this to my doctor and requested an increase, but they are very hesitant to respond. They explained the paperwork and that they have to justify all of this to the government. I would never even think of selling my meds as I need them to function! I also know that I need to be careful with my intake – and believe me, my intake is very modest when compared to others – I would never think of taking too many or mixing with excessive alcohol. I have seriously cut back my alcohol intake due to my meds. My wife knows I m prescribed, but since I always use what I am prescribed, she has no clue that I have extras. Work and her shift work in particular, drive wedges into our intimacy, and my pain contributes as well.
I have seen the mood changes, the lethargy, and the costs from all of this, and even though my case is very minor when compared to those with much more serious and impactful issues, I wanted to share from a ‘functional’ addict, as I know first hand that there are many in today’s world, weather it’s pain meds or other things like Adderal. There are hurting people who are also responsible, there are those who get cut off cold turkey and have to find alternates. It is a vicious circle, and there are both degrees of addiction and denial! Be safe and good luck!
I apologize for the length of this up front and realize I will repeat things from the post and the above responses I believe, after reading some wonderful, caring books by physicians on addiction, that that there is much hope for the addict and their family. However, being married to a now active addict (this means a relapse after 5 years clean) and the mother of two adult addicts (alcohol and drugs) it is absolutely of the most importance that the spouse/parent of the addict not try to tough this out alone. Find a group (Al-anon is a good start) that will absolutely help you realize that you are not alone and that you are not crazy. This is so important for you. None of us are responsible for the addict. We did not cause it nor can we stop it. The sooner you understand that the more likely you can get the help you need. Please, anybody living with an addict get help for yourself. I do not believe that God wants you/us to suffer living with an active addict. They are masters at manipulation and the Christian addict has some weirdly unbelievable ways of twisting their behaviour to make it look like they are a victim. Yes, I believe you can be a Christ-follower and an addict. Likely MOST addicts have disturbing pasts that lead them to addiction. However, it is still THEIR responsibility to seek the Counseling necessary to free them from their past, if necessary, and their current addiction. I would also caution everyone to be sure any Counselor you choose is highly experienced in addiction. This is a horse of a different colour and not all counsellors understand addiction. Also, my understanding now is that just because the addict is not using does not mean everything will be okay. There are behaviours associated with addictions that don’t just go away with the cessation of the addiction. Whether you realize it or not you have and are being affected by the addict/addiction. Be prepared for a big backlash when you start setting boundaries. You may have to separate FOR A TIME. The end result is for healing for the addict and you. Just remember God loves you both equally but he does not rejoice in a marriage that is abusive to anybody. There is so much more I would like to say but there are lots of resources on line and in books to help you on this very difficult journey written by people far more qualified than me. I’m just one of those people coming to terms with a very sad situation the best way I can. That has involved a very long hard look at myself in a Christian 12-step program and weekly meetings at another 12-step program. My prayer for anyone in this situation is the same; get help for yourself, learn as much as you can about addiction, love yourself enough to put your health; physical, emotional and spiritual, ahead of the addict, love the addict but learn to detach from their madness and the chaos they create. I pray that our loving God gives you the courage and outside supports you need to do what is right for you and the rest of your family. I apologize for the length of this but maybe it can fast track some of you to an earlier healing. Read the first step in the 12 steps from Alcoholics Anonymous and believe it. There is hope for all of us.
Grant, don’t blame the government for your addiction.
Thanks Terry, so much of what you are saying there applies to my situation. Detaching from the manipulation becomes an incredible task. I am so afraid of losing relationship with my 5 children and our extended family, while not trying to lay all the blame at the feet of my wife’s addiction.
After 25 years of marriage, my husband started drinking. Due to the economy he had to close his business and not long after that I was seriously injured in a car accident. He couldn’the handle reality and started drinking heavily, to the point of binge drinking. Then the lying and denial started. I had always said I would never stay with an alcoholic, my mom was one and it ruined my teenage years and ultimately my parents divorced.
My husband was finally arrested with a DUI and spent a few days in jail. He spent 6 months at a Christian rehab, but he has gotten drunk several times since then.
I am tired of the lies, he never really gets to the root of the problem. We have tried counseling, but I don’the think he really wants to do anything. He says he does, but his actions speak louder than his words. I wake up every day wondering get if this will be the day I file for divorce. I don’the trust him and I certainly don’t want him touching me, I almost despise the ground he walks on. We have lost close to $100,000 from his bad decisions while drinking, it has devastated us financially.
I guess I have to decide if it is worth staying and feeling like this, or if I should go and have some peace in my life? My job is extremely stressful and between that and the stress of him, I don’the know how I make it through the day.
Wow, after reading what I posted, I realize how much anger and bitterness I have in my heart. I don’t know what to say except that I am going to ask for forgiveness and try to move forward.
Hi Laurel please update your post.
I lived this and was surrounded by people who ignored his addiction, enabling the behavior to continue and soon his social circle was nothing but other addicts. I tried my best but he never found help and died at 48 from his addictions. I hate to feel this way but I feel set free. I loved him and miss him every day but I don’t miss the stress, the “detective” work, the denial and the lying. He fooled a lot of people but I no longer have to worry if he’ll kill someone driving while drunk.
I have read all the above posts. I recently separated after a few years of dealing with the addiction. It tore my family apart. I tried to look the other way, I hoped for one day it will all go away. He gave up! Pushed me, my kids out of his life. I had to ask him to leave the cycle was starting again. Now, my daughter is going through counseling and suffers depression. I have her in therapy. I too go to therapy. Its hard. For me, I am in mourning. My family is broken. The best thing I did was stand my ground and walk away. I am free now, of the hurt, the pain, the stress. I miss him… but I love me and my kids. I needed to stop the pain. I had to let him go.
Goodness, this is my exact life right now. I am one month into our divorce and my heart is broken for the loss of my 25 year marriage and for my 3 children. We have been together since I was 19 and I love him so very much. He is a pain pill addict and a gambling addict, and god knows what else. The last 6 months have been horrible and getting worse on a daily basis. He can barely function at this point, and wrecked his car super bowl Sunday. He now lives with his parents, who turn a blind eye to his addiction and blame me for everything. I don’t think he will live much longer if he continues down the path he is on. I used to pray that he would get better and come back to his family, but reality has set in and I now know he is far from getting help. So now, I have let go too, and save myself.
I have been where you have been. I recently lost to drugs and alcohol. But actually he was gone way before that a functional addict. So sad.
Your story sounds just like mine. I’m deeply hurt by his addiction. He’s a changed man and only cares about his self. I too asked him to leave and miss him. I don’t miss the drama though. I’m very lonely and hurt but your post makes me feel like I’ve taken the first step toward my future happiness.
You will see some beautiful days Ahead. Stay strong look forward you will be happy.
Yes I’m a wife that has been loving and protecting husband that’s an addict since he was 10 years old we’ve been married 22 years 5kids I’ve been thru so many things with him rehabs in patient out patient lies,cheating running off with cars and money leaving for days no calls not knowing if he’s dead or alive.But I manage to forgive him and let back home thinking I can help him cause I love him much I hate to see him hurt but I’m broking and lost praying for my kids not to repeat the same things I’m so hurt that things keep happening he just got out of rehab 60days and now gone for days again I’m embarrassed and ashamed cause I have no one I can tell my secret without been judge my kids just found out And my oldest son 26 I’d pretty much just like him he put him out right after he got out of rehab and he living on the streets it hurts me so much to be here once again hoping my kids don’t see me as weak I’m avoiding all my friends cause they don’t know and I believe I have no one in my corner that I can trust I’m a private person and the people that do know all that have is opinions but know feeling of listening I’m overwhelmed and hurt while still praying to God now I don’t know if hes dead or alive when just recently had a stroke and back out there again I’m so distracted by thos and don’t where to turn my church is judgmental I’m feel so alone…
You are not alone. I’ve just kicked my boyfriend and father of my child out after 19 years. That’s a long time to put up with what I did. Everything coming up missing. The stories. The lies. The staying out all night. The money I’ve been taken for. The moodiness. It all just wore me down. Trying to play detective. Catch him in his lies. Just to have him deny deny! I feel used and very stupid for keeping him around that long. Finally enough is enough. He took every advantage against anyone he could. The anger and resentment was too much to go on. Now 2 weeks after being rid of him I still feel bad sometimes bit I tell myself he did this! But I can’t tell you how peaceful it is to not have all that drama and worry in my home anymore! You don’t have to explain to anyone why you do what you do. True friends understand. I should have done it years ago.
After 30years my husband still can’t get it together im at my wits end I have left him the lying and stealing verbal abuse im moving on at 63 too old for this foolishness I have prayed and seen therapist its just like he doesn’t want it to work I won’t live like that life is too short
I feel your pain I am going through the same thing I have no clue what to do. I know that I should walk away because he doesn’t care about me or my feelings only his self . I found out that he was cheating so I put him out thinking he would call in a couple of days, but he moved in with her as silly as I am I convinced him to come back home because I missed him so much worst mistake when I find a job I’m putting him out for good married 26 years
Wow i happened on tthis page while researching addiction my husband of 32yrs is addicted to cocaine hes been using a few yrs now the last year has been bad he had a great business now down the tubes no money can hardly pay the bills he blames it on everything but his cocaine use he lies all the time now is irritable moody and its starting to show physically i have been taking all the moodiness personal and reading some of your stories maybe i shouldnt take it that personal but its hard i do still love him but dont like him much at times i dont know what to do. I pray all the time for him to get clean
And addiction is not an illness like people say it is to me it’s like a cover-up to say that a person likes what they do in a matter what happens in the night who stays and who goes I know I’m married to a person who has an addiction problem he’s been in and out of rehab and I see no changes he goes to those meetings when he got out of rehab and then three months later he was back on that shit again When people do that because they like the drugs they like the alcohol they like that lifestyle because when a person has the family support that’s never good enough for a person that has an addiction problem they always keep running back to that drug because that’s what makes them happy people need to understand that and stop saying this illness because it’s not a habit that people of likes and won’t get rid of
My husband has been sober for two years. He says addiction take over your mind and you care more for the drug than you do for your family. I am still with him and finally he is the man I married but I wasted a LOT of years. I wish I had left years ago and found someone I could trust.
What is up Bill? Maybe I can help.
Hi. I am a truckdriver wife thats is been married for 16 years. I feel like my marriage is just a joke, a im numb and has wasted way too many years trying to regain my lost love for him and my trust. He has done all the above to me. I think i have been done with this for quite some time, and he still thinks he has done nothing wrong. His friends have been more important. He has done drugs at work and gotten fired. And i have done everything to support him while he has been working. I have forgotten about myself. I am 41 years old and we have 2 teenagers to take care of. Its hard to forgive and forget. And im a Christian!
As a wife who stayed I say to you “leave”. You can do it. 41 is young. There is a better life out there for you. Your children will thank you in the long run. I am 65 and wish I had left years ago. Don’t be scared. You deserve better.
Hi. Me and my husband smoke meth and now our marriage of 16 yrs. is ruined. I have asked help from his family about it because we are always fighting over petty things. I don’t see the respect on him when he doesn’t smoke meth., we always have this mood swings, angry behaviors. I’m so confuse and guilty if i did the right thing. My husband left our home and said this marriage will not work out anymore. I want him to change and so am i for our family but i don’t know where to start for myself that’s why i sought for family help. I’s so scared to lose my husband.
My husband is sober, going on two years. He is the lovely loving man I married. After 12 years of our addiction laden marriage he is sober. Hurrah!! But we are in financial ruin. Because of his addiction we have lost our house, I have had to come out of retirement (I am 65 and had planned for retirement relentlessly or so I thought) and still we barely make ends meet. Because of his lies and addiction our “golden years” are a nightmare of scraping by. I am proud of his sobriety. I really am. I love him and I know how much he has struggled with the addiction. But sometimes I am so angry that we are facing this kind of life when I worked so hard to make sure we would be able to retire comfortably that I want to spit. His first year of sobriety was a wonder and all I wanted to do was to love him and help him and enjoy having the real him back. But now I find I am full of resentment that he has ruined our lives and I have to keep working and there are no savings and I fear that if I get too feeble to work we will be on the streets. He is working too but his addiction has burned many bridges and he makes far less than he did. I want to give up these resentments but I cannot. His adult children from his first marriage do not speak to him so I see them secretly. They cannot forgive him. It’s a mess. Of course it’s WAY better than when he was using but addiction is a gift that keeps on giving. I sometimes feel I should have left him years ago and started anew. Yet, he is a loving wonderful man now. There is hope.
I love my husband dearly. His addiction is destroying me, our family, and everything I have worked hard for. The constant habitual lying, infidelity, destruction, abuse has taken a toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. The cheating is hard enough to cope with but the detachment and gone for days hurts more. It’s like watching him dying and there is absolutely nothing I can do but stand there helpless. I’m in mental health and a prior functional addict, sober since 2009, what I don’t understand is this type of non-functional crowd, specific culture, where it is acceptable, the norm for their behaviors. I don’t want to give up on him but reality is he is an addict and I’m sober. I’m tired. At the point of in order to make change have to create change. Can only change me. Just sucks all around but can not continue this way. Don’t choose who you love and it’s hard to walk away but change is needed.
I’m absolutely torn. The man I have loved for 6 years and the father of my children keeps turning to drugs and the people who supply it.
I’ve been up all night just trying to focus on what to do next. How to live my life without the person I am in love with.
My wife is addicted to Diet Mountain Dew. It may sound stupid or funny, but it’s not. It is ruining our marriage. The diet soda leaves her unable to appreciate foods that are naturally sweet, so instead of fruit she eats ice cream or candy. My kids love 85% dark chocolate, but my wife can’t stand it and will only eat “milk” chocolate which, of course, is not defined by milk but by sugar.
U.R. breaking my heart.
I am 25 years old and have been married to an ex head deacon for almost 3 years. His father is a crack addict and unfortunately enough for me and my 1 year old son. I just found out that my husband is also addicted. For me, it came as a harsh reality considering that I don’t drink or smoke. I’m not even really sure how long he has been using. We have been separated 3 times and each time he goes to stay with his dad. When he comes back, it’s always something new. First it was drinking, then pornography, then black and Milds, then weed, then selling weed, then dirty sprite, and now I suspect that it’s crack. I havent seen him since December 14th, he just went missing. He’s resigned from his job. Doesn’t have a place to live, and doesn’t have a working vehicle. I am really really trying to keep my faith, and be steadfast in my marriage and with God, but it’s very difficult. Please pray for me and my family.
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I am a 43 yr old woman with 3 great kids aged 14 12 and 8 . My first two children are from a previous abusive relationship. I found the love of my life in 2009 . And we had our child in 2011. He was and still is a fantastic role model for his step son’s and a fantastic sad to our child. I had always suffered with sciatica on and off but nothing that mild pain relief wouldn’t fix. After having our child. I suffered quite bad with sciatica for years. Had been doctors and tried various pain relief. In 2015 I started taking a combined pill containing ibuprofen and codiene which stupidly enough you can buy over the counter! I started taking them as my sciatica was at an unbearable point. I also noticed that they blocked out the pain and memories from my previous relationship. And so I became dependant. My partner was telling me to stop taking them as I now am likely to become addicted. I thought I could stop if I really wanted to. I started being sneaky and hiding them. Saying I hadn’t had any if he asked that I had. But he could tell. My personality changed. Not that I noticed but he did. I had changed. I was highly functioning though. House always clean . Dinner on the table. Kids looked after. August 2017 we went on holiday and he said to me when we get back I want you to get help. I want the old you back. Came back off holiday. Sorted physio out for sciatica but here in the UK it can take months for the referral to come through. Which it did. Christmas 2017 he moved out . He didn’t want to be around it any more. He was still very much in our lives and always came round to spend time with us. We would go to his. I was DESTROYED as I was waiting for the referral!!! I was really getting sorted!! I dont think he believed me. I got through physio and wasn’t taking the over the counter pills. I wasn’t physically addicted so that part was easy but i was struggling mentally as I had blocked out my memories. In the meantime I was an emotional wreck . I wanted my partner back. I plead and begged. He wasn’t ready. He needed breathing space and I needed time to get my old self back. He told me still loved me and we remained close I decided to get counselling for my mental well being as I didn’t want to go through all that again. Anyhow. Summer 2018 arrives. He is now saying he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know if he can trust me. I wasn’t giving up. We remained close . Celebrated the kids birthdays . Our birthdays. Christmas all together. Start of the new year 2019 I discovered that he was considering dating a girl he knew. He denied it. I contacted her . He had told her that we are over and he loves me but only as the mother of his child. What does that even mean????? He still was saying we are just friends and we go for food sometimes. 22nd July 2019. My now 8 year olds birthday. We are all round his. We had just sang happy birthday. He blew his candles out . Went to get some foil to wrapp some cake up and come across a birthday card of his ( 11th July) from this friend calling him her man. Her soumate. She loves him. Well i don’t remember much of what happened in that hour. I went CRAZY!! Screaming swearing. Shouting. Kids crying. He got angry. Telling me he doesn’t feel the same. It’s not like that. I get the kids in the car . Go home. I was so tempted to go get those pills. But I didn’t. We didn’t speak. Our holiday was booked for August. We went. We had a good talk . He got very emotional and cried. Told me he loves me. I asked. What as the mother of his child!!!! He said no. He loves me. He said that there is still hope for us. Come back off holiday. We are getting on well. Nothing physical. November time I was on social media looking through my messages and I came across the conversation I had with his ” friend ” and OMG her profile picture was of them two! I clicked on it. It was dated 17th November. And her friends had commented on it saying. ” about time ” I felt sick!!!! But i held it together. Didnt say anything. And at the November a friend of mine told me she had fellout with him because he wouldn’t commit to her. I still didnt say anything. When we spoke he told me that a girl he use to hook up with for sex when he was younger. Popped round to see him. I didn’t react at that moment. But the very next day I woke up and though F**K YOU and went and bought a big box of those pills. I got some other strong pain killers sat in a car park and started to take them. I didn’t have suicide on my mind. I was just really angry at him. I had worked soo hard on getting myself back again. I just wanted to say f**k you! As I sat there he pulled up with our son not knowing what I was doing. They came over to the car and I tried to hide them but he saw them and looked disappointed. Made small talk and went into the store. I couldn’t nt believe that they had randomly came at that place at that time. And seeing my son made me cry. I had only took 4 pills I threw them away. He called that evening to ask if u had anything to say. I had told him that I had woke up that morning went and bought some pills along with other pills and I was going to take them because I was so angry. He was so mad and didn’t believe me and said I had relapsed and probably for a while. It’s now the 4th April 2020 we were video calling and we had a disagreement. He got very aggressive and called me a compulsive liar . I lie all the time. I screamed back calling him a liar telling me on holiday that he loves me but told his friend that he only loves me as the mother of his child. He said thats true . He isnt in love me . That we share a child together and that is it. He wants nothing to do with me!!! I am sooo angry and feel stupid that I have actually waited to years in hope. I feel like he lead me up a garden path. I bet them two have been in a serious relationship all this time. Yes I’ve cried and sobbed. But I’m glad to say It hasnt even crossed my mind to go get some pills
And please someone. Explain to me what he means by ” he loves me as the mother of his child ” ???? If he just cared about me then say that. Love means something else. I care about the poor kids in Africa but i dont love them!!!!
This whole forum makes my know that I’m not alone. My husband is now a cocaine addict at 46yrs. He apparently began using 10yrs ago and had been a closet user for many yrs. I never knew but the lies , the cheating , the forgetfulness, the poor money management was becoming worse. He seemingly took a turn for the worse 4mths ago when I got a call from a dealer saying that I had to pay a $20000.00 bill which he owed. I couldn’t understand how I was put in this as I don’t even smoke or drink. I did it hoping that he would reappear and that never happened. He has now told people that he has moved on. What is amazing is the ability to leave all your belongings behind and forget all your business responsibilities. In our marriage we had no issues other than this drugs which was eating away at his health and mind. Now his family also is against me but his dad and uncles and his brother were all into drugs at different times in their lives. I tried my best to help steer him on a different path. Initially I felt like a failure but not I realize that him leaving is sparing me from more turmoil. I can’t love someone more than myself. I pray that he gets help at some point since he is now living at the expense of yet another woman. He has no salary coming in because he wasn’t liaising with his work either so where really is he headed. I know I have to keep my head up and keep reaching for the stars. You never know what lies ahead but from the torture that I just went through believe me it can only get better. God is good and we should all focus on seeing better for ourselves while seeing if our loved ones are ready for help. Unfortunately many aren’t willing to state that they need help so we should really decide to move on for our own sanity. I doubt it makes sense that the non afflicted one worries themselves to an illness and then no one is better than the other to help. Forums like these have helped me see that the hurt that people went through in their early lives really come back and haunt them later on. I pray that we all are healed of the hurt and pain and despair. Let us all see the light shining so bright ahead of us to continue On with our lives. Those with kids it’s more difficult but find support groups and families to assist. Gods love is real
I relate to this so much. Thank you.
I’m done dealing with addicts ✅ praise allah
My husband is it was addicted to meth. I was his biggest enabler. I have held on for 6 months trying to make him see the delusions and hullications and voices were not real and that was not reality. I have tried to get him to go to treatment he says he is never doing it again and never wants that stuff in his life. Well the after effects are still here an this has affected the whole family. My marriage has crumbled due to his choices and actions he has no real connection with his son’s. One moment he puts them first then the next it’s like they don’t exist. His addiction has stolen him from his family and even friends. He blames me out of every one. Addiction is the worst and I wish it didn’t exist but I know that the ele. I pray every day for him to get better but really at the end of the day he or anyone else suffering from addiction has to want it to be able to do it and recognize the effects it has done to their body …
I am currently battling addiction with my wife. I work everyday and when I get home I take over the kids so she can rest. Mind you we have 4 kids. She sleeps in till till like 4pm everyday. As soon as she wakes up she thinks about the stupid pain killer. Each pill is $30 and she gets 2 everyday. She has been battling her endometriosis condition for almost 3 years. Things have changed dramatically. She now depends on that drug to so call function but yet doesn’t really do anything. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve told her that it’s affecting our relationship and children. Mind you I have found alternatives to deal with the pain but this addiction she has is a problem. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I don’t want to lose my family but I’m losing myself. I find myself angry everyday over this and it has been affecting me more than anyone can know.