If your spouse’s quirks bother you, should you point them out? Can you ask your spouse to change the things that irritate you?
In marriage, we share a level of intimacy that can sometimes seem a bit invasive. It’s almost like living with a mirror that reflects how others perceive and receive us. Being oblivious to that can feel blissful, because we don’t have to understand or process how our quirks come across to others.
Maybe your spouse is blissfully unaware of how agitated you are. They might have a habit that’s embarrassing in public, like smacking gum at dinner, crunching on their ice, or clanking their silverware when they eat. Or the quirk might be something you only see at home, like cluttering the kitchen table for pet projects or dressing in a way that feels unappealing to you.
If you’re feeling irritated by your spouse, what can you do to help them make adjustments? Will your efforts be helpful, or just make things worse? You don’t want to be hurtful, but something needs to change.
Your Spouse Sees Your Quirks, Too
Being married reveals what you’re really like in different scenarios. You get to see your spouse’s best, worst, and most quirky features, and vice versa. When you live together, you let your guard down. So you aren’t just seeing your spouse’s weird quirks; they’re seeing all yours, too!
They have a front-row seat to all your idiosyncrasies. Before you start pointing out their flaws, ask yourself whether they’re preoccupied with yours. Is it possible that you’re more worried about their quirks than other people are?
There’s No Need to Force Change
Even though you feel uncomfortable with your spouse’s quirks, there’s no need to force change. Over time, you might find that these qualities become some of the most endearing. This might seem like a strange thing for us to say, but it’s true.
Ask yourself: Is this quirk generally irritating, or is it just bothering you? It’s entirely possible that the things that grate on your nerves go unnoticed by others. Living with someone and being repeatedly exposed to their habits and behaviors puts those quirks into a completely different context. Someone who only sees your spouse outside the home, and only in certain situations, may never notice.
If Quirks Are Disruptive…
On the other hand, maybe one of your spouse’s quirks is truly disruptive. If so, gently address it. Consider giving each other a signal if one of you unconsciously slips into a grating habit in public. For instance, maybe you chew your ice at dinner. If you’re out to eat or at a social event, your spouse could lightly tap your knee at the first sign of crunching to remind you not to do it.
You can also take steps to make your quirks a bit more palatable in public. If your spouse enjoys chewing gum at dinner, remind them not to pop bubbles or stick their chewed gum to the side of their plate. Make sure you have fresh gum after dessert. That way, your spouse can maintain that habit in a more sophisticated way.
Be gentle with one another. Everyone needs this kind of grace, because we all do irritating and quirky things. We all have habits that bother someone, especially the people closest to us. Kind feedback is one of the many gifts of marriage, and when you care for one another enough to offer it, you each have the chance to grow.
It’s crucial to return to love as the foundation of your marriage, especially when you feel frustrated by your spouse’s quirks. Our book, Love Is…, explores love through the lens of 1 Corinthians 13. Learn more, order your copy, and start your journey to deeper love here.
How do you and your spouse address quirks? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
