Does your spouse guilt you in front of friends and family?
It’s great to have a shared friend group, or to be close with family. There’s comfort and intimacy in close relationships. But sometimes, spouses bring up grievances against each other in these settings.
Your spouse might do this in a way that seems lighthearted or well-intentioned to others. To you, though, it feels like an embarrassing guilt trip. Guilt trips can be masked as concern, jokes, or prayer requests. Sometimes they’re an indirect way to air out hard feelings, and are often intended to inspire some kind of change on your part.
Your spouse might criticize habits or personality traits they want you to modify. They might want you to accommodate them in some way, and they think saying something in front of others will motivate you to change. Does that sound familiar? Is it fair for your spouse to use social settings such as couples groups, church classes, or family gatherings to influence you?
Being Put on the Spot is Painful
Regardless of your spouse’s intentions, being put on the spot in front of loved ones hurts. You want to have fun and truly be yourself with friends and family. However, if your spouse uses these gatherings to expose your flaws, you won’t be able to enjoy them long-term.
If your spouse uses friendships to get back at you in some way, you’ll begin to feel like you’re walking on eggshells around the people you enjoy being with. Small group experiences could become a danger zone rather than a safe place to be. Rather than relaxing and being yourself, you may find yourself anticipating what’s going to happen next.
Maybe your spouse requested prayer in your small group about a private conflict they feel is unresolved, or a habit they want you to change. While you two may have a legitimate issue you need to work through, this isn’t an appropriate time or place. It’s normal to feel upset when this happens—and it’s also important to pause and consider their intentions.
Consider Possible Intentions
It’s possible that this behavior could be a total blind spot for your spouse. They may have no idea how much it upsets you. Maybe they haven’t stopped to realistically consider how they’re making you feel.
You don’t want to immediately assign a negative motive to their actions; instead, consider why this might be happening. Your spouse may believe they’re being vulnerable and genuine, drawing comfort from friends. It’s possible they feel you’re at a stalemate, and this group setting will inspire the change they want to see. When you talk to your spouse, kindly ask them why they feel this is the best approach.
Set Clear Boundaries
So what can you do if your spouse keeps guilting you in group settings? First, it’s important to let them know how it makes you feel. Tell them you’d rather discuss and handle these matters in private.
You need to speak up for yourself whether this is happening in a couples’ group or just with individual friends, one-on-one. Consider framing it this way: “If you want to confess your own shortcomings to our friends, that’s one thing. Be as vulnerable as you want about yourself, but when it comes to me, that’s my choice.”
Be clear about how you’d like your spouse to treat you around friends and family. It’s not fair for your spouse to take all their grievances in an attempt to guilt or change you. Instead, you need to find healthy ways to resolve private conflicts at home—not in social settings.
Successful conflict resolution starts with knowing how to fight well. Our book, The Good Fight, will help you get started. You can get a copy here.
How do you and your spouse resolve tough conflicts? Share your productive strategies in the comments.
