Do you hide hard feelings from your spouse?
Many of us prefer to ignore conflict, or have none at all. It’s understandable that you want to keep the peace. Staying silent feels like the safer option when you don’t want to fight with your spouse.
The thing is, conflict has its place. When you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on an issue, it’s going to lead to friction. Avoiding friction completely won’t make it go away. Instead, hiding your hard feelings can create an undercurrent of compounding issues.
Avoiding Conflict Makes Problems Worse
You might not think avoiding conflict creates more volatility, but that’s exactly what happens. Burying feelings creates a proverbial minefield, and emotional explosions burst to the surface when you least expect them to. If you’re feeling upset with your spouse, it’s important to work through that together.
Gently reveal your feelings and be honest. It’s okay to tell your spouse you’re upset. These conversations don’t have to be loud, loaded, or emotional. They just need to be constructive and open.
It might feel scary to initiate these difficult conversations at first, but over time, you’ll build confidence. Sometimes, conflicts will erupt and emotions will run high. Still, cultivating that confidence will help conflict resolution feel safer.
What to Do Before a Hard Conversation
Good conflict resolution is rooted in feeling fully present, relaxed, and non-anxious. This is easier said than done, but it’s possible. You can start off on the right foot by taking some important steps before initiating a difficult conversation.
Before you resolve a conflict:
- Make sure you’re well rested. If you’re sleep deprived, don’t try to talk about the issue.
- Get something to eat. Trying to resolve a problem on an empty stomach can make things worse.
- Schedule your conflict. If one of you is worried about a pending appointment or work deadline in the midst of a fight, it’s going to be harder to solve your issue.
- Be open to taking a time-out. Don’t try to fight when you’re shutting down and unable to continue. It’s okay to take a time-out and come back to resolve this later.
- Agree on when to continue. Don’t leave the argument open-ended if you’ve taken a break; decide when you’re going to pick back up on the conversation.
Finally, take some time to reflect on your response to conflict. Why do you feel depressed or drained when facing a disagreement? What example did your home life set for you growing up? You may need to do some inner work and personal reflection to help you resolve future conflict in a healthier way.
What If You’re Married to a Conflict-Avoider?
Instead of being the avoider, maybe you’re married to someone who buries their feelings. It’s important to create an environment where conflict resolution feels safe. If you’re married to someone who avoids conflict, how can you gently encourage them to resolve issues together?
- Reassure them that conflict doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. Some individuals feel anxious about disagreements and try to avoid them as a result. Deep down, your spouse might be afraid of losing you.
- Demonstrate through your actions and communication that you’re not going anywhere. You can practice with small conflicts, such as losing the car keys or remote control. Working through small conflicts will build your confidence as a couple and show you both that these issues aren’t as bad as you assumed.
- If your spouse avoids conflict, consider how they grew up. What was their home life like? How did their family handle conflict growing up? Changes are, they haven’t seen healthy conflict resolution demonstrated.
Getting to know one another on a deeper level can help you create more safety for conflict resolution. Take the Better Love assessment to learn each other’s unique “fight type” and set the stage for deeper love over your lifetime. Learn more and take the assessment here.
Do you avoid sharing hard feelings with your spouse – or is your spouse the one who avoids conflict? How have you resolved those issues together? Let us know in the comments.
