Do you have the “compulsion for completion”? How would you know?
Relationships can help us grow and discover who we really are. When you’re living in authenticity, without a mask, you give our relationships a chance to be truly healthy. But when you feel incomplete without a relationship, you have what we call the compulsion for completion.
At the heart of this compulsion is a damaged sense of self-worth. If you believe you’re not enough on your own, you’ll endlessly search for relationships that validate you. Unfortunately for you and the people in your life, that means you’ll never achieve the deep, enduring relationships you’re looking for.
Every relationship becomes a quest to complete yourself.
People with the compulsion for completion believe two insidious lies: 1) I need this person to be complete, and 2) If this person needs me, I’ll be complete. Both lead to unhealthy dynamics in friendships and romantic relationships. Essentially, if you attempt to create intimacy before you’re complete yourself, every relationship becomes a quest for completion.
In both cases, you often have to abandon parts of yourself to be in a relationship. Here’s what that can look like:
- You lower your personal standards to attract someone.
- You discard your own boundaries to keep someone in your life.
- You accept unacceptable behaviors to avoid losing a friend or dating partner.
- You wear a mask because authenticity could jeopardize your relationship.
- You chronically neglect your own wants and needs in favor of others’.
- When a relationship ends, you feel desperate to find your next partner.
- Outside a relationship, you don’t know who you really are.
The problem with seeking completeness outside yourself is that you’ll never achieve what you’re looking for. Instead, you must become a complete, authentic, healthy individual. When you live life without a mask, you can attract congruent relationships with people who genuinely love you for who you are.
Focus on being complete in your soul first.
The first step to building true completeness within yourself is to focus on your needs. What will it take for you to get healthy? Maybe that’s appropriate self-care or going to a trusted counselor for the first time. It might mean setting stronger boundaries or even ending unhealthy connections in your life.
Look at ways you’re compromising your health, wellbeing, and even your integrity. What do you value in life and relationships? How can you align your life with your values? When you’re honest about your needs and your standards, future relationships are more likely to be aligned.
If you’re ready to become whole, here are the four primary areas to focus on in your life:
- Address past relational pain. Hurts from past relationships, and even early childhood experiences, can influence current and future relationships. Work through those issues in therapy or with a trusted counselor or pastor.
- Live authentically. Take off your mask and be true to who you are. This is an important way to attract healthier relationships.
- Take responsibility for your life. You can’t shape your future if you’re riding in the passenger seat; it’s time to get behind the wheel.
- Build spiritual wellness. To be truly complete in your soul, you need a thriving spiritual life. Spend time in prayer and reflection to strengthen your spiritual wellbeing.
Focus on healing, taking care of yourself, and doing things that make you happy. Over time, you just might notice that your “compulsion for completion” starts to fade. The truth is, you don’t need another person to be whole. But first, you have to fully believe that.
If you want to dive deeper into these concepts, our book, Real Relationships, is a great place to start. You’re equipped with everything you need to build stronger relationships. We’ll show you how. Take a look and order your copy here.
Have you ever struggled with the compulsion for completion? How did you overcome it? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
