Should your fiance know all about your past “baggage” before the wedding—like mistakes, bad decisions, and past dating relationships?
One of the greatest joys of finding your soul mate is the ability to be authentic, share your heart, and speak without fear. You want to get to know the real person, not the edited version. Relationships are most vital when both partners feel free to be themselves.
Still, revealing past details can be both scary and overwhelming. You might be grappling with the idea of sharing traumatic experiences, mistakes and poor decisions you’ve made in the past, or even sexual experience with previous partners. The real questions become: What should you share, and when? How much detail is required? Let’s dig a little deeper.
It’s okay to spare the details.
Honesty is the best path forward for your relationship. But it’s okay to spare the details. There are some compartments of our lives that don’t always need to be completely exposed. It may be enough to name what happened and move forward without detailing too much.
Dragging your fiance through every detail can be counterproductive. Don’t pretend that part of your life didn’t happen. Still, there’s no need to be overly detailed and specific. Let your fiance know those issues exist, and if they want to ask questions, then explore the answers more deeply.
Honesty prevents your partner from feeling deceived.
Keeping secret parts of yourself hidden drains your sense of presence and connectedness in the relationship. It’s important to find an appropriate balance for sharing that works for both of you. On one hand, sharing everything just to put it out there could potentially overwhelm your partner. On the other, it could be overwhelming to you to try to hold it all in.
Here’s another benefit of being honest about the past: It can help prevent your fiance from feeling deceived after marriage. If you keep everything concealed until after the wedding, you risk making one another feel betrayed. The shock of learning about one another’s baggage after the wedding is much more negative than coming clean beforehand.
Be prepared to work through tough emotions.
Talking about baggage and past mistakes with your fiance can be troubling, particularly if one or both of you experienced sexual intimacy with someone else. This conversation can be particularly delicate if one of you saved yourself for marriage.
Full disclosure of the past, even when details are spared, is a gift. You’ve built enough intimacy and trust to exchange this information. At the same time, it’s normal to experience difficult emotions such as disappointment, sadness, or self-doubt.
Be prepared to work through these challenging feelings together. Focus on bringing humor and authenticity to these interactions whenever possible. Ultimately, you’ve committed to one another and chosen a path forward as a couple. You can absolutely get past this and have the intimacy and experiences you’ve dreamed of together.
If you’re currently engaged, take a look at our book, Getting Ready for the Wedding. It’s a collection of stories from real couples to broaden your perspective and deepen your insights before you marry. Learn more about the book and pick up your copy here.
Did you and your partner disclose “baggage” or past mistakes before or after the wedding? How did you navigate it? Leave a comment below and let us know.
