Do communication techniques feel awkward to you?
You genuinely want more meaningful communication with your spouse. The problem is, whenever you try to apply a method you’ve learned, it feels awkward and unnatural. If you can’t use those techniques, what else are you supposed to do?
Using communication tactics such as reflecting your spouse’s feelings might feel robotic and unnatural. You might feel like you’re going through the motions of an exercise. But getting agitated by a technique can actually distract you from your goal: better, healthier communication.
If you struggle with using communication tools, what should you do? Is there a way to build better conversational and listening skills without feeling so out-of-sorts? Let’s talk about it.
Don’t Get Preoccupied With Tactics
When talking with your spouse feels awkward, it’s hard to be vulnerable. This, in turn, makes the conversation feel anything but genuine. And when you’re more worried about how you might come across than the conversation itself, that sabotages communication.
Instead, don’t get preoccupied with techniques. Good communication isn’t about following a blueprint perfectly. Strategies exist to give you a starting point, but the focus is having a successful conversation—not the method itself.
Let’s take reflecting feelings as an example. There’s really no way to do this perfectly, because when you reflect your spouse’s feelings, you might be completely wrong. That’s the beauty of this approach. You do your best to understand what your spouse is saying, and then you let them confirm or clarify what you think you heard.
Genuineness Makes All the Difference
Reflective listening and other techniques are mainly about trying to make a genuine connection. Even when you misunderstand your spouse, you’re still opening up to their spirit. Your spouse will be able to feel that, so regardless of how you perform, you’re still connecting on a deeper level.
There’s no technique when it comes to being genuine. You either are or aren’t. We can sense that authentic desire to connect in one another. As long as you approach communication with a genuine heart, your spouse will know you’re invested in understanding them.
How Your Spouse Will Respond
No matter how awkward you feel when you use a communication technique, it doesn’t necessarily feel that way to your spouse. Instead, they’ll feel supported and listened to. Even better, you don’t have to announce when you’re going to try a specific strategy.
Instead, try it out and don’t let your spouse know what you’re doing. They’ll just talk to you like usual. Along the way, you might notice they reveal what they’re thinking and feeling in a way they haven’t before. As long as your heart’s in the communication, that love will come through.
The best way to connect deeply with one another isn’t a technique, though; it’s empathy. Walk in your spouse’s shoes, and you’ll gain a greater understanding of their heart and where they’re coming from. Our book, Trading Places, is a guide to help you do just that. Take a look and order your copy here.
Have you struggled with using communication techniques in your marriage? What approach works best for you? Let us know in the comments.
