The most beautiful thing about Jesus is the He knows us fully, and yet He still loves us. That was His purpose when He created man and woman. His intentions were for us to live sinless in perfect harmony with one another, but we all know that story took a rather quick turn for the worst in the garden. The Bible says that when Adam and Eve ate of the Tree of Knowledge, they became aware of their sin and nakedness and covered themselves with fig leaves. They were ashamed.
Adam and Eve quickly went from naked and unashamed to acutely aware of their nakedness–and very ashamed of where they found themselves. Their immediate reaction was to attempt to cover it up. We are still facing the same challenges in our marriages today. We enter a union that is meant to be sacred and intimate, yet we can only be as intimate as we are honest with each other.
The ability to be honest with your spouse should be a given. We often declare it in our vows in some way, shape or form. We promise to love one another unconditionally, yet we are still afraid to show our spouse some pieces of ourselves, aren’t we? These things can be seemingly small, or worse yet, sins we can become entrapped in. Without honesty, however, having intimacy the way it is intended in marriage is nearly impossible.
Think about those vows you made; would you consider your marriage to be one where complete honesty is a top priority? If the answer is no, here are some ways you can work to build a more intimate marriage through honesty.
REGULAR MAINTENANCE
If you have ever owned a car, you know that regular maintenance is key to keeping it finely tuned to prevent a breakdown. Creating and maintaining a safe environment that cultivates honesty is very much the same. It is so much easier to have regular conversations, to set aside time to dig into the deep questions, and to leave space for your spouse to communicate openly and honestly, than it is to wait until something seems to be breaking down.
It can be easy to avoid the harder places, but it can also be costly. Setting aside some time to really check in with each other builds trust–and yes, intimacy, as well. So often, we can be scared of rejection, or of what our spouse may think if we let them into our deepest, darkest places. Don’t let that stop you. It’s often where the most beautiful bonds are formed.
Allowing time for that regularity is key. Try it now. Set a time for a no-holds-barred conversation. Ask hard questions, and be open to hard answers. It will make a world of difference.
ACCOUNTABILITY
Accountability can be an intimidating word. It could be positioned to imply that you are bound to screw up or fall, and chances are that in some way, big or small, we will all fall. Genuine honesty in marriage allows us to develop an unshakable trust in each other. That doesn’t happen on its own. Accountability practices in your marriage lay the foundation for that trust. In fact, they could be the difference maker to keep one or both of you out of affairs, addictions or secrets that can tear a marriage apart.
We’ve established that having accountability builds trust. Trust breeds honesty, and both, in turn, breed intimacy. When you can face your spouse wholly–when you can be fully present and give of all of yourself–your intimacy will soar.
Accountability can look different for every marriage. Your accountability practice could be sharing all of your communication accounts and passwords with each other. It could look like blocks or controls on websites that could lead to lust or affairs. It could be having a series of friends (that you both agree on) to check in with you regularly about the hard stuff (it should always be an “ask any question anytime if you ever have a concern” type of understanding).
When it comes to making yourself accountable, you can never be too careful. Your marriage is yours to protect, and accountability is one great way build trust, honesty and intimacy.
NO LEAVE POLICY
Marriage is a forever vow. Sadly, it’s far too easy to get divorced these days. Marriages break down, people grow up, grow apart, stop communicating, lost trust and altogether lose the privilege of being honest about where they may be, who they’re communicating with, or what they’re doing at any given time.
Make it known regularly that you have a no-leave policy. Divorce should never be an option. If it is, fear creeps in and honesty breaks down. Remind your spouse there is never a plan B. Do it now. Do it often. The hard work of building honesty now is far better than the always-bitter ending of divorce.
Far too many marriages simply survive. Marriage is a sacred union, ordained by God. He wants nothing more than for our marriages to reflect Him. He is for you. He is for honesty and intimacy, and all the good that marriage can bring.
How have you and your spouse cultivated honesty in your marriage? What benefits have you experienced? We’d love to hear from you!
This was such a great piece on honesty and how marriages breakdown without it. I am living this right now. My marriage is suffering greatly due to dishonestly and trust. I am not sure how to fix it. My husband is very secretive and has locked rooms in the house and I cannot access the garage or our joint cell phone bill. I am sure there are things he is hiding and when I try talking about it or bring it up he gets very defensive and tells me to just move out and get a divorce if I don’t trust him. We have gone through 6 Christian counselors and they all at the end tell me that they cannot help us because my husband will not change or work on the issues at hand and make serious changes needed..a few of them said they did not think my husband was close to God, even though he claimed to be and felt he had a pride issue, which is very hard to fix. We came to your seminars in Dallas a few years ago at Park Cities Baptist Church and go to church every Sunday…but yet he still is hiding things and may be unfaithful. He also has a drinking problem..I am not sure what else to do. I want to have a “no leave” policy but I am not sure how to help my marriage thrive when he won’t change or work on it. Do you have any advise?
I feel your pain as I would also love to reconcile my marriage and I’m ready to forgive the worst possible things done against our marriage but my spouse is set on divorcing. I’ll will pray so the Lord provides guidance and answers immediately.
Kymberley, you can only change yourself. This is something that God hit me with right between the eyes some years ago. Thankfully, it was timely & I thought, what a novel idea & so the journey began. I would suggest, if you don’t all ready have a copy, getting the book “Power of A Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. The first chapter is titled “Lord Change Me!” I must have read that first chapter 3-4 times, as I wanted that information to sink in, taking my focus off my husband, so that I could be fully sold out to who it was the Lord really wanted to change. I had to realize that my husband wasn’t where I was spiritually & that I had to release him to God. God also showed me at that time, I will never have to stand before Him to give an account for my husband. Keep praying, keep believing. When you’re tempted to focus on what you can’t control, remember Hebrews 12:2. When resentment starts to take hold go to Phil 4:8.
My husband & I are on the other side of what all most was a divorce. He’s a new man & I’m a new wife. Our marriage is ever better than it was before things started going bad. I learned what Phil 4:6-7 really looked like lived out. I do hope this encourages you. Remember, “Set you sight on things above not on earthly things.” Col. 3:2. This takes practice, because it’s not in our nature to respond to the hard times like that, but God can only bless obedience.
With love,
In Christ,
Rage into a ‘war room’ and come back out armed by God. Your wounds treated with his salve of comfort and his wisdom and advice protecting and guarding your heart and mind from further hurt.
Sis, you will be the one with the upper hand, having a party while the enemy (not necessarily your husband) is doing himself into the ground with a ‘Rumplestilskin’ dance.
Watch the movie ‘war room’ and take a leaf from there. Every case is individual but God knows us as such and can take us all on one by one and altogether too ??.
Just don’t give up and don’t let the devil steal your joy. The marriage will take its ‘natural course’ from there onwards.
You as a Prov31 woman of God will always be the builder and never the destroyer. Just you don’t be the initiator of divorce. God WILL sort you out. ENJOY your life and be kind regardless till you get to God”s planned end for you!
Much love.
Thank you so much for your words of encourage and great advise. I have become bitter and I know that only harms me in the end and is not what God wants for me. I will watch War Room this weekend. Thank you!
So, now I’m confused. About a month ago, the blog was about not controlling your spouse, and I admitted to doing things like monitoring emails (with my husband’s permission) and having websites blocked and having rules about situations when he is with female co-workers (no closed doors, etc.). Then, I was criticized for being too controlling (after infidelity). Now, those are some of the very things listed as good ways to have accountability. So, what’s the difference between accountability and control?
Here is the working definition my wife and I have on the difference between accountability and control. In a controlling relationship, having access to e-mail and social media accounts is demanded, the accounts are constantly checked, and the controlling spouse is constantly asking about what they see and find there. In an accountable relationship, that access if freely given, the accounts are rarely checked, or if they are checked regularly, what is in there is not discussed, unless there is something of concern.
This is purely what we think of when we talk about issues like this, but I hope it will help.
Thanks, that actually helps a lot!
Could you please send this article in building an intimate marriage, honesty, and the 8 comments. To my gmail?? Its great and I want to send it to my children. Thanks so much