Why Self-Awareness Leads to Better Love

In marriage, we often put so much of our focus on our spouse and their needs that we fall out of touch with our own. The problem is, that kind of thinking leads us to expect our spouse to do the same thing for us! When they don’t, this can lead to resentment and conflict.

The best way to truly care for one another is to become more self-aware in addition to being attentive to your spouse. Although it may seem counterintuitive, self-awareness actually leads to better love and a happier marriage.

Let’s talk about how that works.

Self-Awareness Cultivates Empathy

Being self-aware helps you to be more empathic and aware of your own feelings. If you’re in touch with how you feel, you’re more likely to be highly empathic of others–especially your spouse. When you’re in touch with fluctuations in your own emotions and energy levels from day to day, this can help you better walk in your spouse’s shoes.

Self-Awareness Slows Reactivity

When you have high self-awareness, you’re less reactive to others’ actions, especially during a conflict. You’re also more likely to stop and think before you jump to conclusions.

Self-awareness helps you be more in tune with your own weaknesses and flaws. When you’re self-aware, you may check in with yourself during a conflict rather than immediately pointing the finger at your spouse. This can help you become less likely to project your own problems onto them, too.

Self-Awareness Allows for Rapid Course-Correction

If you’re self-aware enough to look at yourself with honesty, tough love, and self-compassion, you can quickly correct your own problematic behaviors, beliefs, and reactions. Through self-awareness, we can become healthier in our own relationships.

Self-Awareness Helps You Know Your Own Needs

So many times in life, people aren’t self-aware enough to know what they want–either in a general sense or specifically. Being self-aware helps you to know your own needs and desires. If you know what you want and need from day to day, you’re able to ask others for help. We can’t expect our spouses or the other people in our lives to guess our needs–we have to be able to express them.

How to Build Self-Awareness

When we’re more empathic, less reactive, willing to course-correct, and aware of our own needs, we can better love our spouses, family, and friends. Here are a few techniques for building your own self-awareness:

  • Be radically honest with yourself. Sometimes, we set aside our own needs and wants to please others. This can cause us to deny our feelings. Being honest with yourself can help you get back in touch with how you feel, which is key to self-awareness.
  • Spend time alone in silence. Quiet your mind daily. Praying and meditating can be especially beneficial for helping you connect with yourself and others.
  • Journal regularly. Writing about our feelings for a few minutes every day allows us to process events and interactions in a healthy way.
  • Talk. Whether it’s to a trusted friend or to a licensed counselor, talking about our feelings and experiences can help us become more self-aware.

Ready to take your marriage to the next level?

The Better Love Assessment will help you and your spouse deepen your love and strengthen your marriage. If you’re ready to build better love in your marriage, get started here.

Have you and your spouse worked to cultivate self-awareness? Is one of you more self-aware than the other? Why? Let us know in the comments!


  • Brenda says:

    My husband and I have been apart for many years
    God said to stand for the healing of our marriage
    I have been standing for 10 1/2 years
    Right now I am trying to equip myself for his return
    Your prayers would be greatly appreciated

  • Patrick says:

    I like the points in this blog and have spent considerable time working on my self awareness. My wife had an affair 20 years ago which left me an emotional wreck for 6 yrs. She smokes weed every night, journals and spends time with God. I do not enjoy being around her in this state. When I am honest about that she tells me I am judgmental and just do not forgive her for the affair. I know I have taken responsibility for my part in the affair and would like that to be left in the past. I have done some codependency work and would like to leave the past in the past, but her insecurity will not leave it alone. I try not to be dishonest with myself or her about my feelings, but it is hard to not have those feelings as I watch about half of our children spend a good deal of their life getting high. We have been married 43 yrs.

    • Rachelle Ward says:

      May I share what happened in the marriage I was in.
      Married 30 years. Three kids. all grown.
      2 grandkids, son has a daughter, dau has a dau.
      Divorced for 6 years.
      I left, after being unfaithful, he did as well. I am co dependent, he is an alcoholic. Hard decision to leave.
      Ask yourself if you can be closer to God while being with her?
      For now I’m able to connect with more Christian friends and support myself. Ask yourself do I know my own happiness?
      Am I pleasing God in how I live?
      Hope all goes well as in the Lord. Let his will be done.

  • Michael says:

    I’ve been working with couples for 13 years full-time (been married myself for 33 years) and when we discuss self-awareness I often see a blank stare. What do you think are are the biggest hinderances to actually practicing self-awareness?

    Thanks and love your ministry!

    • Mike says:

      I think when we are able to realize our self awareness and understand that the only person we can change is our self, we are ready to have a healthier relationship. Unfortunately some of us learn that to late. When we don’t pay attention to the little things that are bothering us in a relationship, it weakens the relationship. When the storm comes along, our relationships aren’t strong enough to handle the bend in the road.

      If we would just take the time to work as hard on our relationships as we work at furthering ourselves in the business world ……..just think what that would do for the divorce rate :):)

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