Is there ever a “right time” to have a hard conversation with your spouse?
Deciding when to have a difficult discussion can be a challenge. Tough topics can rock the boat, disturbing the sense of peace between you. Even though you want to bring up a particular issue with your spouse, you might put it off to avoid discomfort.
The thing is, putting hard conversations on hold will compound the problem over time. It’s important to commit to having the conversation sooner rather than later, if possible. Then, it’s time to decide on a time to talk to your spouse.
Plan Your Discussion If Possible
It can be helpful to plan difficult conversations ahead of time if you can. When we come to a discussion unprepared, that can make communication challenging. You might not resolve the issue if either of you is hungry, tired, or distracted.
Sometimes, it’s wise to put off a conversation until you’re both ready to dig into it. Heavy discussions require energy and focus. You want to make sure you’re both prepared to enter the discussion. Don’t put it off forever, though; you need to make sure you can both get closure and tie up loose ends.
It could be helpful to have a pre-discussion to set up a time and place for your talk. Decide how much time you’ll dedicate to it before you begin. You might need to have a series of conversations before the issue is resolved, but it’s important to make sure communication is manageable for both of you.
Sometimes, You Need A Time-Out
Once you’ve entered the discussion, remember it’s okay to take time-outs. If communication breaks down or gets too heated, step away to collect your thoughts. Define the silence and make sure your spouse knows that you just need a break, and you’ll come back when you feel calmer.
This isn’t about punishing one another, getting defensive, or shutting down communication. It’s about recognizing when it’s wise to step back and take a breath. Agree to a break, but set a time to pick the conversation back up. Closure can happen once you’ve worked through the issue.
Many couples are under the impression that they have to push through an issue until it’s resolved. But it can take time to sort out complex problems together. Give yourselves grace and breathing room when you need it. You’ll be much more effective at problem-solving if you’re not exhausted and over-stressed.
What If You Need To Wait On Talking?
Some seasons of life demand that you avoid unnecessary stress. It’s best to take care of problems as soon as you can. Still, sometimes you’re forced to wait. You might need to wait on this conversation if you’re navigating:
- Grief in the aftermath of loss
- Severe work-related stress or unemployment
- Acute illness or urgent health issues
- End-of-life care for loved ones
Can you and your spouse handle adding this conversation to your current situation? If not, put it off a little longer. Consider confiding in a trusted counselor who can help you process your feelings if appropriate.
If you need help navigating conflict, our book, The Good Fight, will point you in the right direction. It’s a guide to fighting well–an essential skill for every married couple. Click here to learn more and pick up your copy.
Do you struggle with knowing when to bring up a problem? How do you and your spouse navigate conflict resolution? Leave us a comment and let us know.
