What do you do when your spouse doesn’t respond to their Love Language™?
If you’re familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages®, you might already know your spouse’s Love Language™. Maybe you even feel fluent in your spouse’s primary languages. But what happens when your spouse doesn’t respond the way you hoped?
To quickly recap (or get you up to speed) the 5 Love Languages are:
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Physical Touch
We tend to naturally lean toward two primary Love Languages, which fill our “Love Tank” and help us feel fulfilled in marriage. It’s likely you and your spouse favor different Love Languages. Still, maybe you’ve put in the work to learn—yet still seem to be missing the target.
You’re trying to do everything “right,” but it’s frustrating when your spouse doesn’t respond the way you expect. What you may not realize is that Love Languages can get lost in translation. So what does that look like?
Loving Gestures Seem to Disappoint Your Spouse
It can feel confusing and disorienting when you do your best to help your spouse feel loved, yet they seem disappointed in your efforts. You know they appreciate Acts of Service, for instance. Let’s say you want to surprise them by cooking an extravagant dinner.
When they come home from work, they take one look at the dinner table and sag. It’s almost as though the weight of the world is on their shoulders. But you went to all that trouble to cook for them, so why can’t they appreciate it?
What you might not realize is that after a long day, your spouse is thinking about all the work they’ll need to do after dinner. The sink is overflowing with dirty dishes. Because of your work schedule, you go to bed early every night. Dishes are your spouse’s job, while you tend to cook. But this week, your spouse is in the middle of a demanding project and comes home exhausted every evening.
Cooking a complex meal is a beautiful Act of Service. But your spouse prefers acts that take work off their plate. In order for that Love Language to translate properly, it would need to lighten their workload, rather than add to it.
Supportive Words Tend to Backfire
Let’s say your spouse is a softball enthusiast, and just joined a recreational team for the first time since college. You’re excited to watch the first game, and your spouse hits the field like they never left. It’s so exciting to watch them play so well.
On the way to the game, they expressed uncertainty about getting out there again. You listened and offered support, which seemed to help. After all, your spouse loves Words of Affirmation. By the time you arrived at the field, your spouse was ready to play.
Now, they’re up to bat. Time to affirm your spouse again, just to make sure you fill that Love Tank. “You’ve got this, babe,” you shout. “Knock it out of the park!”
Instead, your spouse instantly tenses up, then strikes out. On the ride home, they say, “You know I don’t like being called out in public. That was embarrassing, and after that I couldn’t concentrate.” You don’t understand; didn’t you just say something loving and supportive? What gives?
It might be true that your spouse loves Words of Affirmation. But as in this example, if they’re introverted, they might not appreciate being put on the spot in public. Instead, keeping your encouragement private would have helped them feel more comfortable.
How Can I Master My Spouse’s Love Language?
Mastering your spouse’s Love Language means understanding the nuances of it. Performing a Love Language from your point of view means they may not get the message. Instead, you need to know why a particular language works for your spouse, then approach it from their perspective.
Want to dial in your spouse’s Love Language so it translates for them in a meaningful way? Our new book, The Love Language That Matters Most—co-written with Dr. Gary Chapman—dives into the nuances behind all 5 Love Languages, and how to connect with your spouse on a deeper level. We’re so excited to share this book with you. Learn more and order your copy here.
Do you know your spouse’s primary Love Languages? If so, do you know how your spouse needs to experience them? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
This is SOOO good!! My husband, our adult daughter, and I were recently discussing the concept of how what we say almost always has a different meaning to the other person we are speaking to. We mean it one way, and they take it another way. Not necessarily in a negative light, just not the very same meaning. I love how this article brings out the little foxes that can so often destroy the proverbial vines.