What to Do When a Spouse Lies

When you’ve caught someone in lies, it’s natural to doubt almost everything they say. And when that someone happens to be your spouse, the sense of betrayal is even more profound. How can you rebuild trust when your spouse has lied to you?

Reasons Spouses Lie

There are many reasons your spouse may be dishonest with you. Maybe they’re not fully coming clean because:

They have already disappointed you, and they’re afraid of your reaction;
They promised to change a pattern, and they haven’t;
They promised to get something done, but didn’t…even though they meant to.

People often lie not necessarily to deceive, but to protect their own ego. They’re ashamed of what they’re trying to cover up, they are afraid of the consequences, and they don’t want to have to live with your disappointment in them. When this is the case, it can be easy for them to convince themselves that they’re not really lying.

In cases like these, this isn’t so much a character issue as it is a maturity issue. They’re not liars across the board–this is not an issue of global dishonest or global distrust. But by the same token, they have to be willing to start to come clean, because regardless of the reasons for their dishonesty, lying is a toxic practice that will eventually break down your marriage.

Another kind of dishonesty is when your spouse is actively trying to deceive you by doing things you wouldn’t choose for them to do–things that are destructive to them, to your relationship, or even to other people. Maybe they aren’t honoring your relationship through chronic or repetitive infidelity.

When someone is actively deceptive on a large scale, is deliberately deceiving you and hurting you and others, they have holes in their conscience. Clinically, we refer to these people as sociopaths or psychopaths–in other words, people lacking the normal sense of guilt that most others feel when engaging in activities that are morally wrong and hurtful to others.

How to Confront a Lying Spouse

Now that you’re dealing with deception in your marriage, you’re going to think that whatever your spouse has lied to you about is global. It might be; then again, it might not. There’s no way around the painful conversation that comes next; you have to be able to put this on the table with your spouse, one way or another.

How can you confront this in a way that will be productive? There are a few different ways of dealing with dishonesty, depending on what the root of it is.

If your spouse is lying to protect his or her ego, talk to him or her about your perspectives, your experiences, and your feelings surrounding the lie. Yes, you’re in pain, but don’t throw it in your spouse’s face or try to hurt them back (even if you want to). Saying things like, “Look what you’ve done!” or, “Look how you’ve hurt me!” won’t be helpful.

The worst thing you can do is provoke someone when you’ve recognized that they’re not being honest with you. Try to look at the situation in the context of their perspective, and attempt to understand why they felt the need to lie. Emotional fear causes people to lie because they don’t want to feel exposed, for whatever reason.

It’s very good judgment to reveal that you know what’s going on up-front; don’t try to set up a situation where you can “catch them” in a lie. Instead, let them know that you know they’ve been dishonest. Gently explain that you feel very betrayed, and this is painful for you.

You can ask your spouse, “Why didn’t you think I’d be safe to tell the truth to?” Let them answer, and hear them out. Then, let them know that you’d rather feel disappointed because they told you the truth, rather than betrayed because they lied about it.

Be careful not to appear judgmental; instead, let your spouse see that you’re sad and hurt, and that you want to have a relationship with them that isn’t painful and doesn’t include deception.

Tell your spouse that you don’t want this to happen again. Trust is the foundation of love, and you must be able to maintain a healthy sense of trust in one another in order to nurture the lifelong love you both want.

If your spouse falls into the more toxic, chronically deceptive category, don’t deliberately try to catch them in their lies. Instead, the approach you take should be more strategic, aimed at interrupting his or her patterns of deception. This approach will also communicate that you’re not fooled.

If you’re seeing things that don’t add up–that make you suspect deep dishonesty–try saying, “Look, I see this, and I see this. And they do not add up.” Simply state the facts. Let them know that what you’re seeing and what they’re saying don’t add up.

Another variation you could use is, “I’m getting different messages that make it seem like you’re not being honest with me.” Stating that words and actions, or stories and evidence, don’t add up interrupts their pattern of chronic lying, and they won’t feel like they’re getting away with it.

Little by little, pull down each brick in the wall of lies they’ve built. Confront your spouse event by event, as things happen, and deconstruct the illusion they’re trying to create.

Staying in a relationship with a sociopathic person is incredibly toxic, and you may find that you need to seek professional counseling in order to cope more comprehensively with what’s happening in your marriage.

You Can Overcome Dishonesty in Your Marriage

People have best and worst moments, and when you’re married someone, you see the very best and the very worst of one another. You can overcome dishonesty in your marriage and go on to live a long, happy life together, full of trust and honesty.

Have faced a spouse’s dishonesty? How did you confront him or her about it, and what was the end result? We’d love to hear your stories in the comments section.



  • Kaylee Joseph says:

    Yes, I went through this and more. I did believe we could work through it. We went to your siminar at church, which is how I first came to your postings. After much fighting and legal problems brought into play, he insisted on a divorce, which I fought against for to long. Destroying many things in my family, and bringing in lots of negative energy. After my oldest tried to kill herself, I chose to end the marriage. Almost a year later and things are looking up for me and my girls. I only work I would have seen it sooner.

    • ac says:

      My husband hates conflict, so he is a habitual liar: He says whatever people want to hear. However, if he actually doesn’t like things, he would retaliate with passive aggression. I, too, wish I had known earlier how detrimental this has been to my kids, and gotten away from him and his emotional and psychological abuse.
      I have recently started identifying lies as they surfaced, but he retaliates with passive aggression, pushing buttons and pretending he doesn’t realize the actions are hurtful. I have never seen him as sociopathic, but I do now.

      • Pamela says:

        Wow. Just wow. Your story reads exactly as if I had written it myself! I could go on and on about the similarities but that would be a waste of time. I am so glad you and your girls are away from him. Your story is like mine so much that I don’t have to ask. I know that now that you are apart they see more than ever that he cannot maintain an honest and meaningful relationship with anyone. Sadly, especially them. Can you please tell me what has become of your ex? Call it spite but something in me wants to see him get a little of the pain back that he had caused.

      • Susan says:

        It has been 11 years now, you resolve? If so how?

    • Allieyin smull says:

      Thanks zaba

  • Savitri says:

    My husband had a porn addiction since he was 14. We met in our 20’s and I was very aware of the sex industry’s influence and asked him specifically if he struggled w/ these type of issues. He lied to me for 3 1/2 years of dating… I senced it, I cried a lot because I was tormented without evidence and everyone saying I was crazy for suspecting something. He proposed, knowing I was tormented, knowing he was lying. We’ve been married for 12 years. He continued to lie, I found evidence to my horror… My fears were realized. I felt trapped in the marriage I never wanted. He was in denial & refused to get help. It has been volatile, toxic and turbulent being with someone who could lie a total of 15 1/2 years. I recently kicked him out. I couldn’t live w/ his lies and stagnant faith walk. I pray for God to bring me a God fearing man w/ a heart after His own heart who brings me closer to Him. This could be my husband, changed. God knows and I trust only in Him.

    • Ronda says:

      The same exact thing is happening to me. I am devastated. Lies for 22 years. If you want to talk?

      • Tony says:

        Hasn’t been that long for me….we’ve been together for 6 and married for 3. The lies came about two years ago. Some of them are so stupid but they all hurt me tremendously. I am very loyal and I don’t ever lie about anything.

        • Taylor says:

          I am going through the same thing. We haven’t been married long, so it’s really heartbreaking. Some things, like you said, are stupid small lies that weren’t even worth the trouble they caused. The problem is they stack up and get bigger. I feel like I’m drowning in it all

          • Topher says:

            I first caught my wife in a white lie when we were planning our marriage. She seems to only lie when she thinks the truth will upset me. She vehemently denies it when I confront her. I work offshore. After I went to the office to head to the boat, I returned home to pick up my vitamins which I had forgotten. There was a pack of cigarettes on the table. Now that I am writing this, I just had a thought, what if the cigarettes were not hers? Fuck.

          • peter says:

            hi i think my problem has gone too far now .
            i’ve just spent 23 years (twenty married) to my wife who i lived for.
            now she has just left me and i tried to commit suicide because of all the deceipt and lies that are now coming out. i have been accused of sleeping with other people when she actually knew i hadnt on a regular basis to the extent i started to think i had.
            ive been told by her that our children were terrified of me for 15 years only to find out that it was totally the opposite and because i believed this i kept my distance from my children to make sure they were safe only to lose my father – child relationship again so many times told this i believed it to be fact. i am now finding out so many things about my wife that i have now got to the stage where i am questioning not only our 23 years together but because of the way its been done my whole life. Like i said i tried to commit suicide on friday the only reason im here now is due to my now 20 year old son who literally had to hold me down. I can never thank him enough.
            She has crushed me beyond all hope, i am an empty shell now who is trying to get back on with starting a new life rebuilding relations with my children, they keep me going.
            I cannot comprehend in my mind how anyone could fabricate even the slightest amount of what i am now finding out from friends,previous husbands and family. The really sad thing is she doesnt believe she has done anything wrong.
            But the worst thing of all is i would still take her back at the drop of a hat which after everything makes me thecrazy one in all of this.

          • RACHEL says:

            I’ve been married for 18 months and I too feel like my husband has a habit of lying. Sometimes over things not worth lying about. He had lied to me before earlier on in the relationship but had promised me that it would not happen again. I trusted him and believed him. But since then I’ve suspected many times that he’s lied to me but had no proof. My spirit tells me but he always denies it. I even find or I suspect often times that he blames the children for things he actually does. He too doesn’t like conflict. I am having a difficult time trying to build trust in our marriage because of my feelings about him lying to me. We were in therapy but he would do 1 or 2 things the therapist advised for about a day , ok, maybe a week then no more. We’ve been in counseling since March and I just don’t thing he’s ommited to help the relationship. He’s basically being a talker more 5han a doer. I am so annoyed and hurt behind the suspecteddeception. Can someone please help me. Thanks , Blessings

        • Sou says:

          Yes, I’m going through the same thing. Been together for 5 years, married for 2. I thought my husband was a nice, caring, laid back individual.. but then found out he had an addiction. He’s been working on himself.. but I’ve just found out he has lied again.. about many different little things. It’s so frustrating and heart breaking. I’m such a good wife, but this has changed me.

          • Nina says:

            Hi, i have read through many of posts, not sure why I clicked on yours.
            My husband dipped in into pain killers, after 3 years he stopped, bc no-one woyld prescribe it to him. We went through counseling, he promised no more lies, he is clean, he cried, he never wants to lose us… he is still taking Kratom secretly, I know he does, I found it in his bag. Now what??? I can’t go back with my threats that” if he lies again I’m gone”. We have 3 girls together. I can’t trust him, ever. It’s all about him. Mr. Narcissist.

        • Autumn Blaine says:

          Exactly the same here. Very loyal n dont lie about n e thing n he promises rhe world n delivers nothing. Dont know what to do. We have a daughter that just turned 1 and im not sure its worth trying to salvage the relationship because i dont want my daughter growing up thinking this is the way a woman should b treated by a man

        • Debra Brown says:

          I know loyalty. I sacrificed over and over again. Never realized how I was being so flexible and changing my life for him and his family that I was blind to the truth. Three years of experience of being in the dark.
          It’s devastating to know your the only one who believes in the vow.

      • kat says:

        this is me also..iam so tired of feeling anxious and sick..

        • Chris says:

          I hear you about feeling anxious. My wife has been telling lies to cover up her actions for a while. How long have you been married to this person? Have you been able to confront them? I haven’t felt like I can confront her because she gets so defensive.

          • Unknown says:

            Tough to make the right call. I know.

          • Debra Brown says:

            If she’s defensive and distant…be ready if confrontation if what you want and need to move forward… That it will probably not go well. If you want her… leave her alone.. ignore her go out be with friends etc. It may snap her to worry if she’s loosing you!
            I had proof of lies and saw with my own eyes he’s at his ex house lying telling me he’s in town with his daddy.
            Sometimes they lie to avoid a confrontation with you because they know what they did was wrong.

        • Pamela says:

          I’m soo tired of it too. Actually to the point of extreme exhaustion. I sleep 20 hours out of 24 because I can’t stand to be awake and feel the pain and wonder what will hurt in the next moment. I take any sleeping medicine I can find to put me to sleep. I hardly eat a thing and in starting to feel physically I’ll. I don’t want my eyes open to see how disgusting the world has become with him in it. He’s turned all 5 of my children against me. They think I’m mentally ill, but I’m not it’s emotional. It’s terrifying. It’s not a life.

      • Pamela says:

        Me too. Ditto on the porn thing as well. Only it took me 27 years to kick him out.

        • Sonya says:

          Just a quick question – is he watching it constantly while neglecting your needs,or is he a sex addict?I’m just trying to define myself when is it time to really sorry,because for what I know,a lot of men (and some women)watch that crap.I caught mine going through sites,or just simply watching naked girls pictures which used to drive me crazy and I confronted him.He stopped for a while and perhaps is more discreet but I had to stop worrying and driving myself crazy over that matter because it turned for me into obsession and I was trying to catch him checking /flirting with other females and it developed an issue with my own self esteem,unfortunately.

          • Mandy says:

            I am in a similar situation, going on 19 years of marriage and for the majority of those my husband has had a problem with porn. I tried to not let it rule my life because of the anxiety and self loathing it caused. In February it escalated to him looking for sex through Craigslist. He ended up meeting someone and having a 4 month relationship with her hoping that he would end up sleeping with her. He swears he do not have sex with her but how can I know? He lies all of the time and is still lying. But he says he will contest a divorce.

            I feel trapped and alone. We have two children to think about. I don’t want to keep allowing myself to go through this but I don’t want to hurt my kids either.

        • Dp says:

          Same here going on year 12. A divorce would be 6k … he left tonight (sent him out)…how do you love someone who hurts you and lives you at the same time

        • Rosa says:

          I have been with my husband for 7 years I found out about the porn addiction after 3 years together, we split for a few months. he continued to lie and sneak and now says he does not watch it but I will never totally trust him, he was also on dating sites and talking to other women. He continues to lie about silly things and especially about drinking. I told him not to bother coming home, I just found out he iled about where he is for the weekend and what he is doing. I feel sick and wonder if I am doing the rite thing. The kids will be devastated if he leaves but I just feel like I can not keep doing the lies. We have been to counseling, church etc.

          • Sarai says:

            Hi I have been married years as I married at 18 years old. My husband went to jail for fraud and as a result he was deported from the US, I love him so much but he has continued defrauding people and I followed him to Chile, I have been here for five years but he just continues with his bad decisions, we have five kids and the kids call him out on his lies and manipulation but he brushes it off, I have also seen this as a cultural issue but want him to change because I love him so much…I have the opportunity to go back home to my family in the States but I don’t know whether to stay or go?!

        • Debbie says:

          I’ve been married for 36 years together for 38 year have 3 grown up boys 5 beautiful granddaughters. My husband has been lieing to me he has stolen from me and he has lost my house that I lived in for 30 years. Just recently I found me drugs I found porn on his phone and caught him checking his ex out. After all that Im still here.im so unhappy and don’t trust him at all and after all that I just noticed he is now gambling. What can i do. I’m so worried I now know I don’t love him anymore .but I’ve got no one to turn too.

      • Vickie says:

        Hi I am having similar issues been with husband 27 years … Can’t talk to anyone​ about it. I could definitely talk with you girls… I’m so depressed and angry, don’t k what to do.

        • Donna Heapy says:

          I have lived with this for 27 years, i have been so ill recently that i wanted to die. i am now planning to leave. I know that people are surprised i haven’t earlier but it got better !!!! well so i thought. My son will be leaving home soon and i feel i can escape as i’m an honest person and stayed because of my son , of course it was the worst thing i could do but i’ve been so mixed up and he threatens to kill himself if i say i cant take anymore. Sorry for rambling but hes made me so anxious confused stress is at the highest level. If i dont leave soon he will kill me with the lies.

        • Polly eatson says:

          Hi Vicki ditto, after being together 24 years, married 20 this year, again today I have come across something … I want him to leave, he won’t – it makes me feel bad and I’m not the one who has lied – it’s awful, isn’t it – I thought I was alone, sadly not , I’m happy to share thoughts if you’d wish x

        • Mckenzie says:

          Maybe we could help one another … I am going through such a similar situation… I feel so alone. I have 4 beautiful children with my husband. We have been together for 24 years. I am heartbroken, scared and alone.

          • Maria says:

            I too am going through this same situation. My ‘partner’ of 30 years has lied to me I have discovered from the moment we met! I’m hoping that he will drink himself to death…..another of his addictions along with the porn and goodness knows what else. I have just completed a year at college so that I can go to university to study nursing. I am 50 years old desolate and penniless; I wish I had found out years ago. He has taken my life…. but he doesn’t get a life sentence! I have two children who I believe both have the same NPD or BPD. I found out he looked at porn on my phone a few days ago…he denied this even though the evidence was there…he just said “It has nothing to do with me” and walked away. He has no conscience. I am going to leave him when I have my finances sorted and it can’t come soon enough! I raised our children whilst he built his career, my daughter is very difficult and I was left to manage her and her behaviours alone. His mother is also an NPD and I believe now that the evil I saw in his father was because he was a socio/psychopath. I am trapped at the moment but doing everything I have to get away. Please DO NOT ever think like I have that this is your fault in any way! They will try to make you believe it is….like I believed. Good luck and best wishes to all on here. I wish we could meet for support.

          • Elma says:

            I feel the same way. I’m sad every day. I cry because of my husband’s lies. I’ve married for 20 years. It’s hard to go through this alone. I feel lost.

        • Dr Sinte says:

          If your husbands is putting you to that type of situation, you should detach yourself a bit from him. You are probably isolated right now and withdrawn from family and friends because all that is going on in your life. Don’t be!!! There is a good life out there for you, only you can grab it!!! I am talking from experience not with my husband, but also from being the daughter of a woman who took her life back! It all begins by finding a new hobby! Please write back when you have started one.

        • Debbie says:

          Hi Vicki I’m to depressed and can’t talk to anyone . He is really making me ill . But I wil say one thing us girls have got to be strong and be one step ahead. Of them. They think there so cleaver. But there just idiots .

      • Dp says:

        Same here

      • Susie Walker says:

        My partner isn’t honest about money issues, allowing spending that we can’t afford and then telling me after the fact we shouldn’t have spent it on things. I feel like it has always been him to deal with money issues and I feel partly to blame for not speaking up sooner. He is never affectionate unless I partially beg for it. There is so much going on , feeling so lost and overwhelmed with anxiety and worry….day after day, night after night…..Weve been together 13 years.

        • Jen says:

          My husband is the same way. Plus what Kaylee Joseph at the top said. He also lies because he wants to avoid confrontation. I can’t function like this anymore. I just found out that he failed his college classes and lied to me about it for three years. I don’t know what to do any more.

          • Nikki says:

            If anyone would like to talk, I’d love to. Have nobody to talk to about this and I can’t hold it in any longer. Going to explode with anger!

        • Heather says:

          I lied to my husband about having the right insurance on a ups item that got lost. I told him ups was refunding the money and took out a lone to try and cover it up. He caught me in the lie and I apologized and explained or tried to explain that I did it to try and make things right. Which I made a mess out of instead, and told him I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I told him I was sorry and I hope he can forgive me in time. ( fingers crossed). I feel so bad on what I did. I want so bad to email him and tell him all the times he has lied to me like the times he said he was going to stop drinking and didn’t, ( he was a bad alcoholic). He has stopped drinking now though. when he told me he wasn’t smoking and he was. I want to throw this in his face but also know it won’t help and make matters worse. I did wrong and I apologized to him about it. We have both lied to each other in the past. I should don’t have done what I did but I was scared about how he would react… he gets mad easily. I told him I was sorry…. reallly sorry 2 x. Before bed last night and this morning. He didn’t say anything this morning. I am so mad at myself for doing this.. I need advice.. please

        • cb says:

          I wish we could just trade our partners for each other. Let the freaking liars live together. I want to enjoy my life.

        • Jade says:

          Wow, that sounds a lot like my husband. Though most people here have been expressing concern with porn and drug addictions my husband does not have that problem. Of course, I am a very flexible wife. I don’t mind my husband looking at porn. What bothers me is the lies. He spends money that we don’t have. Is mad when I point out our money problems. When I prove he is lying then he breaks things, threatens to hurt himself, and runs away. My sister insist I wait until my children are grown. I cannot wait three more years! I find that the only reason I am with him is because I am scared he will hurt himself and it will be my fault. Though I know this is emotional abuse I cannot seem to take the chance with his life. He swears he is not lying but his story does not make sense. When I point out holes in his story he gets mad at me. I have worked hard to be better person, wife, and mother. All my efforts went without being noticed and was used against me. It is almost like he wants to beat me down so no one else will want me. The problem with his intentions is that I have no idea to get in another relationship. I just want him out!

          • Megg says:

            My boyfriend and I have 3 kids together. All along I have tried to be the girl of his dreams. Constantly trying to learn about things he loves…which is probably fine. But then I took it to the extreme. I also allowed myself to be ok with him watching porn. Then it went on to trading my pics with other men on Craigslist for pics of their women or ex women. And then I caught him in a lie. And I got his ex to confess to me that he slept with her. So after he adamantly denied this… I tried to forget it for the sake of our children. Then he asked me to sleep with his friend while he watched, possibly joining in… I felt trapped since he never admitted to cheating. I wanted to be the girl of his dreams. The one who was sweet and kind, smart and beautiful, and freaky in the sheets. It helped me feel empowered at first. He got kinda jealous after. But then I started to realize he doesn’t love me if he was ok with this. Now I know he’s seeing different women. I’ve even asked some about him on Facebook and they all read my messages. Several refused to respond. Others blocked me. I am so screwed too. Cause I have nothing. I live in his town 3 hours from my hometown. My mom died recently and 3 of my siblings have overdosed and died also. I didn’t have a great childhood and I want my kids to have both of their parents like I never did. Hell I barely had one. My mom shot herself in the head when I was a teenager, didn’t die right then but lived to make my hate worsen for her and my life. I feel like I have never been loved. No matter how much love I give out.

      • Nikki says:

        My now husband was caught talking to and seeing another woman before we married. I thought it wasn’t true and that I was over it, but apparently not. Have moments of anger and hatred toward him!

        • Rigina M. says:

          I am so happy to find this article. I have been married for 3 years and my husband is constantly lying to me. I actually found out that when I was busy with our wedding preparation he was at the bar, drinking with his friend and spending time with some women. In the beginning when he was leaving that day he told me that they have a business netting with one of the directors at the restaurant. I believed him. 2 weeks after our wedding I doing photos on his phone that were taken that night. He was with a woman. They were hugging each other. When I found that picture he had to tell me the true. He didn’t has other choice. He told me that he feels awful about that night. That he did not have any contact with that women and that this is the biggest lesson for him. He love so much, he don’t want to loose me….. I believed him. That was the biggest mistake of MY life. Since that moment we had about 8 situations that ware even worse. And he kept lying to me. I really thought that he will change. I can not do it anymore. I don’t even have somebody to talk about this( I moved to U.S 3 years ago and I don’t have a lot of friend here). The worst thing I can not leave him. Because I am new here and I don’t even have the place to go. I just don’t want to leave with him anymore.

          • Heather says:

            I don’t have many friends here either. Mine live far away. I wish I had someone to talk to.

          • Heather F. says:

            You can msg me or we could leave emails or start a closed FB group for support. I feel the samwe way most of you feel and financially sinking now. Its so depressing.

          • Savanah Taylor says:

            I have been with my husband for 16 .5 years Married for 7 of those years .1 year after we met,I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and waited 5 long years before being awarded ssi benefits Incedently ,We didnt get married sooner in order for me to collect ssi.When we were married 9 years later, He insisted I change my name at dmv But firmly ordered me not to tell the social security office.In 2015 ,We left our families my children and grandchildren to move to Florida for a job opportunity. Before leaving my home state I reported my marriage and informed them of our upcoming move. That ssi money had taken care of us for 5 years while his landscaping company went with housing industry and jobs were less and less BUT 2 weeks after arriving in Florida A letter was sent informing me of my suspended ssi benefits which also catried doctors and medicaid As well as a balance of 7000 the ssadministration says I was overpaid 2 years later We are back in our home state but still 200 miles from our families He lied about paying my car insurance and subsequently caused my license and tag wrre suspended.I know noone in this town am stranded and spend 14 hours a day alone Its going on 6 months since losing driving priveleges and having any human contact other than him He has lied to his parents telling them he needs money to this for me Or he needs money to take me somewhere to get me out of house Tells them I have illnesses such as pnuemonia and I need doctor appointment and medicine money only to blow it elsewhere He will not take me anywhere and when I just cant take it anymore and begin to cry and beg for even a conversation or a ride to look at the lake He threatens to work others hours just to keep away from me being negative I do everything for him including keeping his lies our secret He has lied and borrowed 40000 in the past 2 years. I have been awarded a settlement due to faulty material used in surgery and am supposed to be getting my money 10 years later I might add SOON But he has been promising to pay monies back with my settlement money I dont have any afvice But I can sypathize with being in a strange place and wanting to rely on that living person to save you and they either dont care or consider your problems just that Your problems He will go to one of the 3 stores in this rural town on his way home instead of coming to let me ride and hang out and shoot the breeze with whoevers working or shoppung Then come in eat and go to sleep I get 30 minutes of human contact a day and god forbid I ask anything about work the drive home etc I get accused of ruining his day and when I remind him of bills due He calls me mother Im always catching him in lies as well and am miserable News Flash It will be a cold day in hell before his wealthy parents get my money I still suffer for Rhey had no right making deals without me involving my settlement money I love all people in all walks of life and am always teady to talk listen or do for family friends or potential friends but Im not on my medicine and stranded But my mother learned how to text and that has daved my sanity God will get me to a happier place when he feels I truly have had enough I have to believe the same for you Good Luck and You aree woryh only the best

        • Susan says:

          My husband has been lying to me throughout our 46 year marriage. I am now really ill with Lyme disease and the stress of not being able to trust him is making me so much worse.

          • Susan says:

            I have been married for 45 years and now fairly certain that I have been lied to about money and other things for all those years. I think back and when the other young couples that we knew (all of the men worked for the same company) were buying their first houses, we could barely make the rent, when we did finally buy a house, years later, it was foreclosed on. That, after he had been fired from the company for which he had worked for just short of 20 years……I don’t think I ever got the full story for that, but he was fired because he lied. A number of years (and jobs) later and we used my inheritance from my mother to put down a much too small down payment on a house that was definitely out of our price range, but he wanted the big, fancy one, and now that is in foreclosure. And he has lied about it for months now. Still trying to lie out of it. He makes sure that he gets the mail and then he hides anything that he doesn’t want me to know about—loans, IRS, etc. I have kept my money separate for years because I couldn’t trust him. And even with that, I had several thousand dollars confiscated a few years ago for back taxes. He insists on doing our taxes himself. When I have the nerve to ask if we owe anything, he always says not to worry about it. Waits till the last minute to file, and sometimes I dint think he has. Let’s it just go until $1000 becomes $40,000 owed. He likes to be the big shot. I know he will have some story all made up when we have to vacate our house. I need to get out now. Actually I know that I should have never gotten in.

          • Debbie says:

            Omg. I to am being tested for something along that line I know it’s stress related. I feel trapped and just dnt know what to do. I am 60 now and it’s so hard to move on. But I feel if I don’t his gonna kill me anyway with the stress his causing me. I just can’t live like this anymore but if I go I know my boys won’t want anything to do with me and then stop me seeing my beautiful granddaughters . I am trapped I look at him and I hate him for what his done to me. My boys know what his done to me but always seem to take his side because they feel sorry for him. And I think they think I’m strong but I’m so not . But they hardly talk to me now and that’s all his doing.

      • Debbie says:

        The same to me also. Lies for 20 years and doesn’t see that he has done anything wrong. Wants to act like everything is OK and back to usual. Am I just crazy. How would I ever think he would be truthful again

        • Cindy says:

          Debbie, Your comment was short but said it all for me. I’ve been married for 29 years. Lie after lie and here I still sit. I am 61 now and kicked him out for the first time last night. Every time this happens, he acts like everything is just fine. He thinks he should be able to come home tonight. Says we ( in other words..me) need to move on. That I’m accomplishing nothing keeping him out. I know what he wants, the same thing that always happens. He says I’m so sorry.. it other words, sorry I got caught in a lie again. I don’t know what to do.. I feel like he’s driving me crazy.

      • Elma says:

        I found out the last three years that my husband has lied to me for as long as 12 years. I found pictures of him with two women one on each side and one of them was kissing my husband on the cheek. He said they were his co workers at the time as the pictures were at work. Found others pictures of co workers, nothing digesting that he has cheated but I’m hurting so bad to know that my husband has hidden so much from me. It’s like I’m meeting him for the first time. I wish I had found out about all this 12 years go. I cry every day and I’ve become so depressed and angry at him. We barely talk anymore and he puts me down saying that I’m not a supportive wife and he can’t tell me anything. I feel for you and your situation. I know that pain you’re going through.

      • Sandra says:

        I feel the same way I’ve been going through this for 30 years don’t know how to make it better I’m at the point now where I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown I just want to run away I wish I had the finances to just get out cuz I would my son is not 25 I love him dearly I pray to God that he defected but I fear it did I don’t know what else to say I just wish I could figure something out to save this marriage and I fear I can’t if I couldn’t in 30 years I don’t think I can now it was good talking to you

      • Jess a says:

        Sounds like my story now, My husband & I have been married for over 22 yrs. Three years ago, I notice him disconnecting emotionally. Not bonding with me or our kids. He’d act soo protective of his phone, I never suspected anything, until I teased him that he had a girlfriend & took his phone away from him. He wrestled to grab the phone from me, using ALL his strength. He told me later it was because he had been communicating w/ my brother in law. I believed him, but later questioned it. He’d change his password to his phone, sleep w/ his phone, by his side & spent EVERY waking moment when @ home either on his laptop or on his phone. Pornography is what I later discovered; i’m certain he had extra-marital affair(s), but he will NEVER acknowledge the behavior, much less admit that it was wrong. We were also soo behind on bills, finacial transparency, lack of communication & trusting him is something I continue to struggle til this day. Shortly after he moved out, he rented an apartment. Regardless, I attempted to salvage our marriage, while he stood on the sidelines watching me suffer. Although he made no effort in helping us get back together, he finally gave me feedback to reconcile. It’s difficult to move on, because he NEVER acknowledge what he was doing was wrong & that it will never happen again. Fast forward three years later, I’m dealing w/ the same web of lies. He lies to me that he’s @ eork, when he obviously is not. It’s diifficult to trust him, because he’s been lying to me for soo long. I’m just recently discovering it & entertaining the thought that he could be psycho*path . He tells me he’s at work when he’s @ a shopping. plaza with GOD knows who, doing GOD knows what. I have been wanting a divorce for soo long, I’m soo exhausted from the lies he feeds me. I have a gut feeling that he’s carrying on a secret life with a mistress either from work or someone he met on-line. Who knows perhaps, he even has a child w/ this person, who he claims does not exist. He can look me in the eyes & be crying. pleading that he’s telling me the truth. But, I have more than suspicions, I have a gut feeling that something is just not right. Now could I have been soo setup ALL this time. I want out of this marriage sooo bad. May GOD give me the strength to overcome this.

      • Nora says:

        Ronda, I just read this post. My husband has lied to me for 30 years. I found it out 7 years ago. Promised to be honest but continues lying about almost everything. if you want to talk would be helpful and great. Thanks, Nora

        • Shona says:

          Hi Nora,

          I just read your post. I’m dealing with a dishonest partner and trying to work out what to do. I have a six month old so trying to be strategic. It’s really difficult.

          Would love to hear from you

      • Shona says:

        Hi Rhonda,

        Sorry to hear about your husbands dishonesty. I hope things are better for you now. I am just working my way through a situation now with a dishonest partner. I have a six month old so am trying to be strategic rather than reacting…


      • Lalee says:

        I’m sitting here waiting for him to get home from some emergency work thing it dawned on me that I have been fooled again. He went gambling. This is just the last lie he told me yesterday he liked to me all day long let alone since we’ve been together for the last three years. I have confronted him but he just called says I m crazy. I’m at my breaking point and should have been a long time ago.

    • Sarah says:

      Hello my husband is also in to porn it’s. Even going on since our 2nd child I’ve been married for 12 years I’m so confused now it’s getting worse I caught him sexting another women idk from this day if he cheated on me all I hear are lies after lies after lies…

    • Ann says:

      Awesome story, even some God fearing men are pathological liars and need deliverance. Counseling is great, but deliverance is what is needed. God bless you for your strength and your love to trust Him.

  • Savannah says:

    I am not sure how Biblical this article is! How surprising! When someone lies to their spouse, turning the focus AWAY from the person doing the lying is detrimental. Some lies require a “WHY did you do this to me?” approach! Satan is the father of lies. Why would be so welcoming and non-judgmental about this? The advice in this article seems to be to ask them what fault they see in the victim of the lie, so they can make excuses for themselves. This denies them being accountable for their own actions, and placing the responsibility for the lies on the person being lied to?! A Godly perspective would be to firmly make sure that person is NOT lying to protect their ego or to hurt the other person and also that it will not be tolerated. There are consequences to ungodly behavior. I’m not in this predicament personally, but I have counseled people who have, and this all sounds a little too close to “blame the victim” mentality. A person who lies to their spouse usually does not care what the lies do to their spouse and a light slap on the wrist typically makes them see their spouse as weak and will continue to lie to them. I don’t think it is of any consequence that the person has an “ego” problem. I don’t see how it can be stated that lying is a maturity issue, not a character issue!!! It is most definitely a character issue! You did try to bring this back around and did say some good things, but it is completely from a point of view that the person LYING is the one to be catered to. I don’t see how anyone can say this is a Godly attitude. Wrong is wrong and Satan is pointed out in scripture as the father of lies. Bottom line.

    • Dee says:

      You are exactly right!!!! When dealing with a liar, one cannot afford to give them the opportunity to make lame excuses for their behavior. A liar, sociopaths or psychopath need to be confront head on with the truth.

    • Lesa says:

      I completely agree.

      • Care says:

        Amen. Well said. “Try to understand why they’re lying?” Don’t say “you hurt me.”
        Are you kidding me? You’re doomed to be lied to.

    • Kim Mason says:

      I felt the same way when reading this. As if to put part of the blame on the victim of the lie. And unfortunately this is just reinforcing what some liars do to their victims, reinforcing that it is somehow the victims fault. I don’t think this is biblical.

    • John says:

      Savannah, I saw the same things you brought up about this article how it was not biblical. You said you’ve done councilling and I’m dealing with a wife who lies. Whenever I get to the crux of what was said and when, she’ll either say she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, we’ve already been over this, or the most common, she changes the details in a way to fit her’s that is full of deception. She’ll always blame me for getting upset about it and how I’m “over-reacting”. Anything to lighten what actually happened and to avoid the truthful details. It’s not a weekly occurrence and we can sail in a good relationship for weeks, then she’ll pull her lying stunt. I try to work it out and I feel like a fool for being blunt yet also very forgiving over these 16 years of marriage. Yes, I want our relationship to work but I have to stop living in denial that this will somehow change when I know it won’t. What I have tried so hard for in a relationship is just not happening. She has enough pride for 7 people and admitting things she is pinned on will not happen. I hate phony. I feel phony thinking we have a good relationship (which in so many ways is true), but then it happens that she’ll clearly lie about a set of circumstances.

      Anyway, what do you suggest?

    • Mario says:

      I’m here reading everyone’s posts & trying to gain knowledge as well as how to be able to build trust again. I just remarried about six months ago & before we married we both talked about our pasts relationships & how toxic they were. We both were looking for a relationship full of trust, honesty, loyalty but most of all true love, passion & respect for one another. During our dating stages, our relationship was amazing even though at one point she lied to me about her best friend being a guy. I met all her friends but this particular guy was different. I inquired about him & she said that she barely knew him which I first I believed her but my gut instinct didn’t. 3 months later after a few arguments she finally came cleaned & said he was his best friend & did everything together. I asked the question why she didn’t tell me the truth at first & she said because most guys feel threatened if a woman has a male best friend. I told her that it would hv been weird, yes, but seeing her with a straight face lied in my face was pretty scary because it would make me question whether or not she is lying again. Her statement was.., “so basically you don’t trust me.” We went around & around this issue till we finally got everything settled & got back on track so to speak. I truly feel in my heart, mind, body & soul that she is my soulmate & she completes me in every sense of the word. I knew before we got married she loves to drink & unfortunately I’m not a drinker or better yet don’t drink as much as she does. Her drinking habit has been something that I hv had to adjust some but there has been a few times where it has gotten out of hand to the point she has disrespected me, deceived me taking shots behind my back with a coworker which I caught them both & of course she laughed it off thinking it was funny. Needless to say, we ended up in this huge argument after the party & the next day. She kept saying she didn’t see anything wrong with it & I don’t understand because I don’t drink. Then she said she did it because she knew it would upset me. I told her I was not upset or hurt because she was taking shots, I said I was hurt because her & her coworker were planning behind my bck to take shots together. I felt alone & isolated & I got extremely quiet that according to her I ruined her night bcause she just wanted to get drunk & not worried about anything because I was there looking after her. It has been an up battle. This incident with her coworker happened on Thanksgiving night. Last weekend, her work had a Christmas party. Unfortunately, I couldn’t attend due to work & being out of state. She went looking as beautiful as always & had promised me she was not going to have a drink without me. She was texting me & sending me texts. At one point, we even video chat showing me the party people at her table. Of course curiosity kicked off so I asked when is your coworker Bob (not real name) & at first she tried to avoid the question so I kept asking & finally she said he was sitting at a different table. I asked a few more questions & hell broke lose. She stopped texting me & the party that was supposed to end at 10pm ended at 2am with most of her bosses & subordinates. Needless to say it didn’t go well with me & it ended up in this huge fight on the phone & even at one point she sounded like she laughed. Next morning we had the silent treatment going for a little while & I finally called & the arguments continued. Later that evening, she said she was out dropping off a heater to a friend & she called me on her way back. She sounded distant & distracted. She said she was just getting home & once she settled her son frm a previous marriage & his friend who is sleeping over she would call me bck. 30-40 mins passed & never called. I texted her, called her without any answers. At first I thought she had fallen asleep because she sounded tired frm the night before but again my gut instinct told me otherwise. So I called her dad who lives in the basement & he said oh, she left a long time ago. She was dropping off a heater to a friend & going to a party afterwards. I felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured on me. I was speechless & did my best not to break down on the phone with him. Tried to call her all night & of course out of frustration & hurt I sent her some accusatory texts going bck to the first day she lied to me prior to our marriage. Next morning we talked, argued & her response was…, because of me she got drunk at the Christmas party because I made her feel like a bad woman everytime I talked trash about her coworker & her deceiving me & having shots behind my bck knowing pretty well nothing is going on between them & because of me, she felt the need to have a drink the night she told me she was getting her son settled for the night. She said she stopped at a bar & sat there alone having a couple of beers reading our old texts & ignoring my calls because she was so hurt by making her feel like a bad woman. She has literally turned the table on me why she has lied all these times. I honestly was ready for a divorce & of course she turned it on me again stating that I was just looking for an excuse to leave her & divorce her & it will be hard broken to tell her son that I am divorcing them. I told her all the issues between us have been whenever alcohol has been in the mix but of course she doesn’t see it that way. She says it is my insecurities & lack of trust for her because I cannot let go of all the past hurts prior to our marriage which she said she had apologized already. I told her it is difficult to let go when issues keep happening even after we got married. We had a long talk & we both came to a conclusion that she will not lie to me again and I will not bring up past issues dealing with lies if we were to have more arguments in the future. I hv been doing alot of soul searching. I love her, yes….. Do I want it to work…, yes. Am I REALLY scare of the future, not just yes BUT HELL YES…, excuse my language. It is hard because I feel like I’m at the stage of my life where I still hv time to get my life together where she still has a long life ahead of her. I’m 45 yrs & she is 34 yrs. In all honesty, when we are together people say we look about the same age but I’m starting to believe our maturity level is not…..
      Reading yours posts makes me question so much about me…., whether or not I’m enabling her to continue lying to me by always believing it will not happen again. The mind is telling me to count my loses & walked away & just prayed for her from a distance but unfortunately the heart is still holding on. I know for a fact if something happens again especially with alcohol she will continue blaming me for her deceiving actions.
      So the only thing I do now is pray to see what God has storaged for us. This last incident happened this past weekend. I feel confused. I feel like I am working way to hard to believe her now but most of all my inner peace has been shattered. I’m still away from home & I will be going hm for the holidays & as much as I am looking forward to it I feel like I’m going to someone I don’t really know. ? This is what happened for being a hopeless romantic I guess. I will appreciate any feedback whether or not those lies will continue frm your point of view.

      • Soooo lost says:

        I completely understand where you’re coming from because I am in the same place in my marriage. It is very hard to trust your wife when things/lies keeps happening. We’ve been together almost 5 years and just married a little over 2 weeks. I keep catching him in his lies and keep forgiving him. The night before our wedding I asked him if he has anything to tell me before our big day, i told him that this is your chance to come clean before our wedding. He said to me to my face he has nothing to hide. Not even a week later I found out that the phone number I’ve been asking him about for the past 6 months was a girl “friends” number. He said it is a friend and he calls her to ask advice about the issues and problems that goes on in our relationship. Ain’t that something!! I don’t trust him and I want to leave point blank. He promises, as usual, he won’t lie to me anymore. I don’t want this relationship to go anywhere anymore. I’m tired and too old for high school games. I absolutely will not trust him ever again. If anyone has any advice besides keep fighting, will be great. God bless us all.

      • Belle says:

        I’m so sorry. I know your pain. This will not end soon, if it ends at all. She has a problem with alcohol and she lies about other things as well. I stayed too long and I couldn’t be more sorry because it ALWAYS STARTS AGAIN. Liars are liars. It’s the way they think. And they don’t worry about it because you have stayed so far.

        Get out. Get out now. Life is too short to live it this way.

      • Samira says:

        I am in almost exact same situation as you. It’s just been a year since we got married. It was an Indian arranged marriage. Knew him about 3 months before marriage. He had a very fit body and was health conscious, so I didn’t pay attention to his drinking. He is very loving towards me, shops for me, we travelled to different countries. He gave a lot of attention and I thought I’m lucky. Later on his drinking increased and when I started to confront it , he started talking about my shortcomings such as I had a past, I don’t cook 3 meals for him, I don’t forgive and forget and that he had compromised a lot for me. He even said he is going to tell everyone and shame me. Next day he would say sorry. I let go multiple incidents and then slowly the lies about drinking. Lies about every small thing , sams time he would care for me very much.. threw a big surprise party for my birthday. Everyone said you are so lucky. Another drinking incident and when I confronted he left me in the middle of the night , threw my clothes in the hotel room and took all the suitcases. He did all this in front of my and his friends. He made up stuff that I am not capable of having kids . Days of drinking continued and fights. One day he said I don’t want to live in fights like this and will quit drinking and loves me that he had to urgently travel for work. I figured through find iPhone that he actually went to Bangkok. When I texted he just kept lying about the hotel he is staying and that he is going to meet people for his work. It shattered me like someone kicks me in my stomach. Next he messaged saying he lied and that he is not drinking but no apology. Since then I’ve not been talking to him and he never messaged nor called. Left it in limbo. My self respect doesn’t doesn’t allow me to call but I want to call.. I miss the good things he did .. the attention. Or was all this attention an act ? Maybe he never really felt sorry for his acts .. I’m going in circles. Lost hope that I’ll ever be happy. why such lies.. as much as I think back now there were so many lies .. I don’t know why I’m still thinking about him. Why I still want this to work..

    • Donna says:

      Amen! !!!!

    • Mary says:

      Absolutely true! I’m am currently in this situation. My husband lies about everything, especially in ways dt damage my character to his family and friends. I have put up with it for d longest time but no more. I’m stepping out in faith cos I believe dt God is love and love doesn’t lie. Satan is indeed d father of liars.

    • Donna Marie says:

      Amen Savannah!!!
      Thank goodness I continued to read down thru comments to find yours!!! The advice is NOT biblical…as it does not hold the LIAR accountable
      but it does most definitely allow for the one being lied to , to fall into the trap of ENABLER.. The habitual LIARs most definitely have character issues…
      and its called ‘hard hearted” rebellious, entitlement issues as well! ALL ungodly behviors. I remained is this hellish nightmare with my unrepentant, non sorrowful husband for 17 years. He is not a believer or follower of Yeshua (Jesus) but he certainly learned enough from the ‘church’ to use their non biblical approaches to addressing his issues. He became adapt at tuning into exactly what he believes equipped him to continue in his wicked behavior…as the few times he did attend any church services….he heard all about wives being submissive “NO MATTER WHAT” The church has obviously suffered in their
      pathetic NON ACCOUNTABILITY . In fact its very hard to recognize any differences in the lives/marriages of those who claim to be ‘set apart” than those who don’t even attend!
      Sorry for the rant…but I made a very huge and costly mistake of listening to early advice for church leaders.. Early on after consulting, crying and pleading for help in addressing these ongoing habitual lies…intentional withholding of intimacy as form of punishment…I was told to find ways to better please him…and that if I loved him enough…I would be able to get him to do anything i want! THAT is what one pastor of a very large church told me! He told me that his wife loved “him” soooooo goood…that she could get him to do anything! How pathetic.

      I pray for women who are faced with these horrendous issues…I pray that they have courage to trust in the Almighty YAHVEH Elohim that created them…and through their steadfast obedience to HIM and in love for their Savior Yeshua of Natzaret, they are able to break free from the bondage and wickedness of their spouses unrepentant, rebelliousness towards our Heavenly FAther. HOW in the world is anyone ever able to bear fruit being yoked up with a rotten branch? When we look to our LORD Yeshua… we must take into council the ENTIRETY of YAHVEH ELOHIMS WORD… WHICH Includes the TORAH… the first 5 Books…of HIS Instructions to Mankind. I did not understand these things until much farther along in my walk with Yeshua…but HE is faithful and HE gives courage and direction in & thru the Holy Spirit …who equips us and enables us to make SOUND decisions…

      I praise HIS Holy Name that I finally trusted HIM enough to do what was necessary…..SEPARATE. In spite of all of my attempts to address the issues that have forced this decision…he has NEVER, NOT ONCE admitted to that he has an issue with lying….or porn. It wasn’t until AFTER I had him leave this home…that our Heavenly Father allowed me to discover more inappropriate ‘soft porn” …that of scantily dressed, nearly naked younger women…older teen girls …on the computer! At that point, I had to mandate a NO CONTACT with my 17 year old daughter or myself UNTIL he admits to and seeks the ONGOING council he needs. I know our FATHER allowed me to find this AFTER he left, so my daughter did not have to encounter the horrible truths until AFTER he was gone. She is old enough to know the TRUTH of the wickedness at hand…and that I have had to place NO Contact in order to further protect her from his very unbalanced views of women! I refuse to allow him to exploit her!

      Long reply I know… i suppose there is therapy in sharing our most hurtful and disappointing encounters. I committed myself to the marriage regardless of the many times I discovered and tried to address his ongoing sinning against the LORD and myself. He made the choices…not me.

      Bless all of you in your steadfast longings…to look to our LOVING FATHER and Savior Yeshua who wil NEVER LEAVE nor Forsake us!

      Donna Marie

      • Cat M. says:

        Thanks Donna Marie I appreciate your posts it’s honest and truthful. my issues are I’ve become very sick ( i’m sure all the stress husband puts me under doesn’t help) and all the sudden my husband is lying about everything to me I was in a room ( he forgot to take his phone with him as he always does now) so I decided to pick up the phone and didn’t get it in time so I wasn’t sure how to make it open because I really don’t use his phone at all I The accidentally opened it up and read an article that he was Reading on how to leave a sick spouse so it broke my heart and I called him on it he just got mad and said he was just researching it because he was interested in knowing if there any help that could assist us. Then I noticed more and more over the period of the six months that he was here less he hardly came to see me at the hospital couple weeks ago I had septus ammonia again he hardly came to visit me never met any of my doctors told people he was coming to visit me but he never showed up or he may have showed up for a couple minutes and then left after 10 minutes or so he, also says he’s going places he’s going to someone’s house but he ends up at another person’s house and he never goes where he says he’s going such as – I’m going to the gas station and then he’s gone for eight hours. I am a godly woman I have lots of faith I believe that God does not make mistakes and throttle is as a reason pfor everything so I will continue praying for him but because of my illnessI may be off for another six months or more, so I have a year to get my life together. One real sad fact is that he keeps threatening to pack his bags and leave me knowing how sick and the stress hr is putting on me and I’m under, it doesn’t phase him at all, he is under my insurance and he needs it right now but when that need is gone he will and when he does I guess that will be it And I pray to God that I can go back to work or get full-time disability from SSI etc. because I will be divorcing him I’m tired of living in this misery and not being loved in any way I am only 58 I think I deserve to enjoy my end life times that are still available – to be happy and find somebody to love me the way I love and that’s with my whole heart body and soul! so thanks for sharing I appreciate your honesty I just had to let you know that, thank you and God bless you sister I hope things go well for you too. In Jesus love, Cat

    • Sammi says:

      I didn’t take it like that at all. My husband has had a LIFE-long history of lying, which I just found out about in the past couple of years. It was SOOO hard to find out that he has lied thousands upon thousands of times, about all kinds of things. But TRULY, if you’re going to get to the bottom of what CAUSES the lies, you MUST discover the deep-down reason he’s doing it.

      In this case, it totally had to do with his upbringing. He had responsibilities put on him at a very young age which were completely inappropriate (way too hard) for his age, was raised with an angry, critical father and a mother who didn’t defend him and also didn’t allow him to express any “negative” (difficult) feelings such as sadness, thinking something was unfair, etc. It was “shut up and deal with it” type thing. And when things went wrong, he was blamed for them whether it was his fault or not (even if it was his fault, like if he broke something, he shouldn’t have had the responsibility for it in the first place). When I found out about my husband’s deep-seated lying, I started researching this, what makes a person habitually lie, and found that it comes from a child feeling from a very early age that he has to lie to survive (whether that means physically survive or emotionally). For sensitive little guys, harsh, critical parents who expect too much from their children (give too much responsibility before the child is developmentally ready), and don’t realize that children need encouragement and praise, can cause this habit. He needed approval, but was blamed for things that weren’t even his fault. Don’t get me wrong – my husband’s parents DID love him. They just didn’t realize what he needed. They didn’t even realize what THEY needed. We all blunder through life and grow in the process; this is why we need to give each other mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

      SO – when he got married, and his wife was having her own troubles with anger and criticism (because of HER family of origin! I think every family is dysfunctional in some way), he brought with him all of that fear of disapproval, and felt like he had to lie because he couldn’t stand disapproval or confrontation of any kind. And it didn’t have to be “big” stuff (he’s not into pornography, hasn’t had an affair, etc.); it could be very small stuff. For example, he might call and say he was just leaving work when he had really been at the bank making a deposit. Why would he lie about that? Because if it was a night where he was slightly late getting off work, and he could have put that deposit off until the next day (but he wanted to get it out of the way, so wanted to take care of it right then), he knew his critical wife might say something like, “Why did you go to the bank now? You didn’t HAVE to do that – you could have gone tomorrow!” and might be anywhere from irritated to actually upset about it. So he would lie just to avoid that unpleasantness. This is not putting the blame for lying on the victim, but rather, seeing the reason behind the lying. You have to see the reason behind it before you can dig out of it. In our case, we realized that my “getting on his case” like that contributed to those lies. So we both had to work at it: he had to commit to telling the truth no matter what the consequence, and I had to commit to being NICE – more accommodating, less confrontational and critical, sweeter (what guy doesn’t want a sweet wife???!!! Treat him like a king, and he’s more likely to treat you like a queen … just sayin’ …).

      I can’t leave GOD out of this, because He is at the root of all of the healing we’ve had in our marriage. But – here’s the thing – He started this “exploding our marriage so the truth came out and we could heal” process with ME. He showed me how I was being unkind and disrespectful – not intentionally! I have always respected my husband, and told others how great he was, etc.! Anyone who knows me would have said how I’m always saying something about my awesome husband (that was BEFORE I knew all the crap!). But I wasn’t loving him in the way HE needed, and the dynamics were just unfortunate – sin always is, right? So God used various things to show me, and things just started coming out, and after working through a very painful process (that isn’t done yet), we are in a MUCH better, healthier place.

      Lying is wrong. Period. NO contesting that fact. HOWEVER, there are reasons why people lie. And if you get to the bottom of that, and can counter the lies they’re believing that CAUSE them to lie, they will be set free from it by God showing them HIS TRUTH – about themselves, others, and most of all, HIMSELF.

      • Sou says:

        Wow Sammi. What you’ve said was very wise. The issue I’m having is, I did treat my husband like a king. I was always faithful, loyal, honest, loving, etc. But in the end, I found out he was lying to me for 3+ years of our relationship, and it just broke me. I found out he was addicted to porn. So even though, I loved him properly, and did all the right things, I still got hurt.
        We’ve worked through a lot of stuff regarding his addition, and I agree when you say God brought all the truths to the surface so we can heal.. but every time I catch him in another little (big or little) we have major setbacks. Is it so hard to find a partner who has the same qualities, morals and values nowadays? I so confused, hurt, depressed by all this. And I don’t want to divorce because I’m ashamed of what my family would think, plus we have a daughter together. I also have a tiny bit of hope for us, but it is so hard.

        • larrisa says:

          When they do lie but according to them its not a lie it puts a lot of doubt in my mind making me confused & negative thaughts & I just punish myself like a fool & still stay with him I don’t know what to do I feel at peace when he goes away & soon as he bk it all comes gushing back again I blow hot & cold really messed up

      • Saralizbeth says:

        Sammi, thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful and compassionate response to this question. You have spoken to a deep issues and patterns that my husband and I share with you. I want you to know that your words helped us see our struggles in a new light.

    • Esther says:

      Thank you! I couldn’t agree more!
      I would love to speak with you more!

    • Dp says:

      Amen. Years he convinced me there was something wrong with me. Speak out to other women- I told my mom finally, co workers and my church they all told me to leave him and that it wasn’t me- I am a funny beautiful woman- I get hit on- there is a person out there that will show me the same love loyalty and trust … I believe them now… there’s no perfect man but I’m not perfect so there’s gotta be a man out there going through what I am

    • Heather F. says:

      I agree! This article seems to sympathize with liars.

  • Cindy says:

    I would ask the authors of this particular article about how they would connect their teaching about lies with Cloud and Townsends excellent books on BOUNDARIES and BEYOND BOUNDARIES. The authors of those books discuss nonnegotiable boundaries a person needs to do to “guard his or her own heart” with dealing with another’s habitual lying…whether a spouse, a child, a worker, etc. Those author encourage setting boundaries and use not tolerating lying or deceit in a relationship as one of them.

    Sorry, and I so enjoy many of your articles and books. But I always believe “in many counselors there is safety.” And in this case, in many Christian books and interpretations of God’s Word, there is safety.

  • Michele Morgan Morton says:

    Good comments. People are different and marriage is no exception. Whether seeking counseling or working on marital problems among each other, it takes a great amount of grace and love when one has been wronged with lying. When you bring in the porn factor, it can be very difficult to put a relationship back together, if there was one in the beginning. I have been there and back with this issue and would agree with all the comments to some degree, but good counseling will look at each person, ask Holy Spirit how to speak into their lives, because only He can cause a heart change in an individual. It is true boundaries are necessary, truth is a must, and lying must stop for any relationship to exist and flourish, but not everyone gets to that point by following a formula, certain boundaries, or confrontation. Holy Spirit is the Great Spirit of Counseling and can lead as to how to counsel. I am thinking of the Scripture that says the Love of God brings men to repentance.

  • O says:

    My husband lies constantly also. We have been married for 30 years and for the last 10 years, I have lowered my expectations from him to almost nothing. I feel like I am living with an enemy and I have to watch my back as well as the back of my 4 daughters. I stayed in the marriage because I was taught as a Christian you stay in the marriage unless you are being physically abused (ie) he is breaking the law. I thought I was doing the right thing but unfortunately my daughters have paid a huge price. Anxiety issues, eating issues, and now my youngest (21 years old) has had a child who lives with us too. I quickly saw that the father is also very selfish (narcissistic I would say) so I encouraged my daughter to break off their relationship and co-parent their daughter separately. My husband does not like us criticizing the father but I am firm that my daughter needs to quickly learn what is going on with him and make adjustments to her behaviour to be able to do the best for her daughter and finish school.
    The only way I know to deal with this is to hang on tight to the Lord and pray for wisdom each day and for the rapture to come quickly.
    I agree……PLEASE don’t make the person being lied to, the guilty one that needs to change. That is the approach my husband takes all the time…if I had done or not done, said or not said…then he wouldn’t have had to behave that way. Its too much. Pull down each brick in the wall of lies….that would take all the spare time in 10 lifetimes. I don’t think so…..I’ll let God deal with him. Every once in a while I will pull down a brick, if the facts are obvious but his response is usually rage. If he lies about what has happened in the past, I end the conversation. I’m glad there will be no marriage in heaven.

    • Sammi says:

      I am so sorry to read this. My heart breaks for you :'( . I’m just wondering if you have had counseling about the issue of separation (not divorce, but merely separation). Have you considered separation? I realize this is “unsolicited advice” (you don’t even know me!), so please just take this for what it’s worth, throw it away if you don’t want it. I think that it would not be unbiblical to separate. I’m not talking about divorce and remarriage here, but rather separation to at least reduce the damage done to your daughters (AND yourself). You ARE being abused if you are constantly being lied to. Mental and emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical. And for the very same reasons you counseled your daughter to be separated from the unhealthy, ungodly man who is the father of her child, I think you need to consider being separate from the man who is unhealthy and ungodly who is the father of your children. No matter what his claims (whether he claims to be a Christian or not), constant lying is ungodly, and if after 30 years he is still subjecting his wife to constant lying, that boundary needs to be set in place, and he needs to experience the consequences of breaking his marriage covenant. (IF he claims to be a Christian, he is called to lay down his very LIFE for his wife. This most certainly precludes lying.) He must not have the benefits of marriage without the responsibilities. Again, I very much realize this is unsolicited advice, and apologize for that. I just felt compelled to share that with you. Praying that God guides you into HIS truth.

  • Lance says:

    My relationship with my wife started with her cheating on me. She became pregnant and only after a DNA test I knew he was mine. We did get married as I was taught to as well to do everything to keep a relationship together. A few years later she cheated again, this time with multiple people at once. I can’t describe the amount of hurt I felt and still feel. I filed for divorce and she begged that she would change. 3 1/2 years later she is still texting men and deleting the messages, lying about canceling credit cards and then calling to have them send a new one. Opened over 10 credit cards in 6 months charging over $13k. Then she even forged checks out of my business account. When I asked her a few months ago what was spent at Macy’s, she became outraged saying I ruin everything and she was just trying to do something nice for my birthday 2 months away. Knowing there is nothing at Macy’s I would want for a birthday, it came out that she bought a purse.
    I filled for divorce again and the lies continue. After a bad weekend just know, we have restraining orders against each other. She called a pastor of the church and said she wants it to be fixed the same day she filed a restraining order on me. I did go to the counselor separately only to have the counselor now texting me that I was deceitful to her and that I have caused her to be a liar. It will be a hard road ahead, but for my kids sake and my sake, I won’t let someone tell me it is my fault she lies and cheats on me over and over.

  • Disillusioned says:

    I am remarried as my first husband was very abusive. I feel my husband now, lied to me before we were married. He told me he was a “social drinker”. I asked wat that meant and he said he liked to have a couple drinks when he was with friends. I do not drink as I had a problem with drinking in my youth and my children n my families are riddled with alcoholics. I had explained this to my hubby n how I felt about alcohol. Before we married I rarely saw him drink and it was as he said “a couple”. Shortly after we married he started having a drink in the evening, after a hot day, after a hard day,etc. I tried talking to him and he just blew me off like I was the crazy over reacting one. I found out from some of his family members that alcohol had been an issue in his 1st marriage. He had told me in his early 20s he had a DUI but after his 1st wife left he came back to God n quit drinking for a few yrs until he knew he had it under control and he didn’t drink much. I hav seen my hubby drunk but confronting him does no good. Now his son has gotten a DUI and lost his licence but my hubby let’s him drive out in the field drinking and driving and shooting off guns. I talked to him about how i felt it was not safe and that i feel he is giving his son mixed messages about it being ok to get drunk n drive to boot. He told me he didn’t care Wat I thought. He was not going to get after his son about drinking. He also said it was a city/country thing because wen he was younger his parents let him drive around shooting out of the vehicle…he did not acknowledge the drinking part of my concerns at all. I moved into my hubby’s house wen we got married and so I really have no say. I also have a daughter who struggles with alcohol and my hubby drinks in front of her. I feel so deceived and lied to and stuck. Am I crazy and over reacting..please tell me.

  • Joy says:

    It would be nice to hear back from the author of this article as to the comments left here. The stories really prove that lying is one of the most sure ways to destroy a relationship, no matter what the reason behind the lie is.

  • Erika Black says:

    What I understood from the article was that they were saying TO confront the liar head on, BUT not with drama. Spewing accusations in an angry, dramatic way is never helpful. All it achieves is making them defensive, which achieves them defensively fighting back, injuring you more and worsening the situation. It’s like pouring fuel on a fire. Stating your observations factually, reaching out for clarification is a healthy thing to do. I also understood the article to say that if you are in a severe situation, you probably need the care of a professional to help you negotiate it. I’ve been in my own volatile situations and I understand why you are all upset, however, I see the wisdom in this article and believe it is healthy relationship advice.

  • CincyJen says:

    I do think it all sounds like good advice if considering the situation isn’t too extreme. The difficulty in imposing this plan would depend on the severity of the betrayal and how long the secrets were kept. I believe that’s why most of the above commentators are outraged. Before my own experience with the trauma of betrayal, I would have said these words were right on and reasonable. However, I’ve learned that no one can fathom the pain, or predict their reaction, to learning that their world is not, and never was, anything that they believed to be true. Then the fallout that proceeds in the days and months (sometimes years) to come can be extreme and confusing. I would have told you, you were crazy if you would have described to me how I would react after I heard the devastating words spill out of my husband’s mouth: “I am a sex addict and have been my whole life.” It was like I was ripped out of myself and left alone to handle excruciating, writhing pain. Had I read this article directly after discovering the truth about my marriage, I would have said, “how can I possibly do this?!” It would have been no less impossible to keep composure during that time than it would be for a pedestrian hit by a mac truck to stand up and run a marathon. Rage, sorrow and extreme emotional upheaval after a betrayal…although I wish they were able to be controlled…have a life of their own.

  • Jessa says:

    I too am going through it. My husband is a Liar and it has been very difficult. I try my hardest to be a good wife and follow God, but at times my anger blinds me. No matter what I say or do, I am always covering up for a man with no moral character. The lies and betrayal have left me scarred. Not sure what to do anymore because everyone is tired of me and I am tired of telling my stories.. right now he apparently stole $6,000 from his aunt and charged my 40th birthday and graduation party on HER credit card. I am hearing 2 versions of the story and he is forbidding me to contact her. Everyone covers for my husband bc he makes everyone laugh but the Demons I live with and the things I see give me no peace. I long for peace and a husband who can contribute to my marriage financially. I am holding it strong paying all the bills for what? To keep being put in embarrassing situations ?? I feel alone, confused, and tired of living a lie. Smiling when I am dying inside.. how can a change a man who honestly does not see his sin. He wallows in woh is me and suffers from depression anxiety and infirmity. What to do next … should I stand and believe for my man of God ? Or walk away to live in peace even if it’s alone ?

    • Sammi says:

      “WALK AWAY TO LIVE IN PEACE.” Even if it’s alone. Yes. This is abuse. I’m not talking about divorce and remarriage. I’m talking about separation, even for life if he never repents. (By repent I mean an actual, for REAL turnaround, not the “I’m so sorry” but then going right back to the deceitful behavior.)

      • Sharlene Janish says:

        Been married 41 years. Early on I was 20 immature. He physically abused meStayedbout all night and said he was home, I was there . Always screwing w my head.im hopelessly in live. Looked great became great cook we had good times yet he was cold lied made me feel awful. 41 trs now 2 daughters grown. 2 1/2 yrs ago I disc he was cheating and had been deceived me for years. We stayed together I love him and he’s over the crime I’m not
        I feel like I don’t really matter never did he said he’s sorry doesn’t want to be w out me I can bring myself to leave. My health has suffered too
        My head wants him to suffer and my heart loves him my head wants him gone my heart not

  • Shawn Alcala says:

    My wife lies so much to (and about me) and misleads me and others to cover up whatever… Before we got married while I was stationed overseas, she pulled a ridiculous amount of credit cards under my name…but being young yet so in love with my best friend, who I met in high school, and feeling so happy…I just thought to myself “well she’s pregnant so f*** it, I wanted to do what I thought was right and unconditionally love my woman and raise a family with her” but since then things have gotten so bad between us because of soooo many lies she’s told me which has caused a great deal of distrust and pain which has led us on the path of divorce. Deep down I feel as if I can never ever trust her again especially after 11+ years of marriage. I’m scared to find out what the future holds if I decide to go back to her. I’m scared that if I don’t go back to her that I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life because I can’t/will not trust another person again. She’s not my first wife…she’s my second. My first wife cheated on me for 2 years…I don’t think I need to describe the pain and distrust on that topic…all this is just crazy. Sometimes I feel like my heart is too big…what I mean is that I still do love my wife (m) but I don’t deserve the pain and dishonesty. I don’t want anybody else…I want the person who I fell in love with in 98. I’m halfway to 72 yrs old…why me?? ….my life is almost halfway passed 😔. I pray God continuously gives me strength everyday even when I have days that my faith is fractured, again. “Lord, I ask that you not only give me strength on this journey but I also ask that you give strength to those who are going through the same/similar struggles I am. In the Lord’s name, Jesus Christ, I pray…Amen.”

    • Joyce Perrin says:

      I understand your pain and have stayed in a toxic relationship for 6 years trying to get this man to love me as much as I love him, and the fear of being alone and not finding someone to love and would love me back. These choices are hard, and I keep praying that God will help guide and change him. He’s a lying sex addict, I’ve done alot of snooping and even hired a private investigator to follow him. I thought if I had some proof, I’d finally make the decision to leave, but it hasn’t proven anything other than me driving myself and others who I’ve shared my story with crazy. This article did help, not to try to catch them in their lies, to let them know you’re not stupid. I am a liar too, I do it to not disappoint people around me, or to keep from being beat up about my shortcomings, which isn’t healthy at all. I just want someone to love me for me, good and bad

    • Jess2499 says:

      I can understand what you are talking about. I feel why cannot I find someone who loves me and I can trust. I want to live the most full and happy life and this man I am with is so untrustworthy and betrays me. Hang in there!

  • Mireille says:

    I would like to get a counsellor, am so heartbroken.

  • Chris says:

    I found after 23yrs that my wife lied about her sexual history and several other major things such as finances and our business. When we started dating we sat down and told each other about our past histories, I was 100% honest with her because I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where my ex girlfriend was extremely dishonest and abusive. My wife told me about her past but many things hidden. After finding out she had lied various times to me we saw two different marriage counselors, my wife lied to the first one and after several sessions of being called out on her lies quit going. She is already distancing us from the second one. When we sat down and talked and I asked her how she could lie to me so many times she said it was because I didn’t phrase my questions right or ask for details in the correct manor or order, how does one recover from this

  • FedUp364 says:

    Who knew when searching for help there would be others, many others like me in a toxic marriage like mine. I’ve been married for 17 yrs. I’m still in my 30s w/ 2 children. Reading your comments makes me exhale that I’m not alone and then shocked that I’m truly not alone. I’m ready to get out, I can’t take it anymore. My husband has been lying to me since before our marriage but I found out after we were married just how much a compulsive liar he really is. He told me he graduated HS. That was a lie, once I found out, I made him get his GED. He didn’t graduate due to family issues. Like why lie about that, that wouldn’t have stop me from dating him, atleast not right away. He had a good job already, not sure how he was able to obtain not having a HS diploma, but he’s liar sooooo I get it. Throughout our marriage, he’d lie about paying bills. I found out they hadn’t been paid b/c things get shut off, or better yet, the vehicle is no longer in the driveway b/c it was repossessed. Can’t lie that away. His response all the time is, I didn’t want you to worry about anything and I thought I could handle the bills until it was too late. And I would always forgive him. He didn’t use the bill money for on other things, he just was bad w/ managing, we were young, I get that. He’s sent me to the store before to go grocery shopping knowing the account was either over drawn or he didn’t deposit any money on the card etc…. I’d get there, shop for hours, bags bagged, swipe, decline. Call him, he’ll act shocked and surprised. Find out he lied about how much money was on the card or maybe his check was short or whatever the case may be. regardless, he knew when I left out that door w/ our children sometimes; the money was not there. I was the idiot young dumb in love wife who didn’t check the account b/c I trusted him. These examples were very earlier on in our marriage. I’m much more involved w/ our finances. Now he just lies about stupid stuff like going to the dentist. I get a call from our dentist recently asking if my husband would be making up his appointments? I say what are you talking about, he made his appointments. They said no Mrs…..he has not come in, huh? I call him and ask, he say’s he did make them. They are lying. Ok lets call them on 3 way. Thinking he would just come clean, nope, that pride/ego won’t allow him too. We get them on the phone, he talks and says he was there. She pulls the file, no Mr……. you were a no show both times. I had heard enough. I thanked her and hung up. I pleaded w/ him to tell me the truth. Nope, the sociopath wouldn’t do it. They were doing deep cleanings, I knew he didn’t want to go b/c of the pain. But it was necessary. He even told later on how his teeth were hurting so bad all the while he didn’t even go. He’s lied about some much stupid stuff I would be here all day. Going back some years ago when we purchased our first house, while going through the process, he’d lost his job due to downsizing. He never told me until after we couldn’t pay the mortgage on time 3 months in. For 3 months this dude was acting like he was going to work. He has told me before that he is insecure but it’s almost like he blames me for his insecurity. And I always refute this by saying dude you were lying to me when we were dating, way before we got married. This was before me. He makes me feel guilty saying I don’t create an atmosphere for him to share the truth b/c he knows how much I depend on him. I’m so sick of this sob story. Bring out the violins. The dentist debacle just happened, and it takes the cake. I want him gone!!! I want to be able to lay on his chest w/ no worries vs laying on him thinking “I wonder what he’s lying about now?” Or constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. I want PEACE! I haven’t had it for a very long time. Everytime we talk I feel like I’m a detective interrogating him to be sure I’m not missing anything just in case I have to remind him of what he said in case he tries to pull a fast one. I have never caught him cheating or suspecting anything like that. I feel like I’m always Mrs Clean up. I saved our home. I clean up the finances, I keep stability around our children even though I want to break down, I act like Mary Poppins, like all is well. . I feel like I’ve stayed tortured for the kids as well as to not be statistic since we married so young. The odds were against us already. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. If they only knew what I’ve gone and go through. He cooks, cleans, for the most part loving. I honestly don’t know who he is. And I’m tired. I feel like I’m living in the Twlight Zone b/c he flips it on me so much and I walk away scratching my head like but he’s the one lied, how is this my fault? We have so many goals together, but I can’t see them coming into fruition b/c our foundation is built on lies. I’m not perfect, but I’m a dam good wife. No affairs, gainfully employed, Good mom. He is a good person, just not to me. I feel like I deserve so much better. I digress b/c I feel like I’m ranting. But I have no one else to talk to about this. Thanks for listening and any advice please share.

  • Sad dad says:

    So many heartbreaking stories. But how do you deal with the lies. I’m left feeling suspicious about every situation that seems questionable. So quick to lie, so easily adjusting the facts to fit her story. And there is no coming clean, she would never volunteer information, only wants to know what you know or what you heard. So that she can explain it away and there wasn’t anything more to it than what you knew, but then who’s to say there wasn’t more to the story?
    I’ve lost track of the times she’s whispered in my ear “you just busted me out on a lie” when in a social situation, her coworkers ask me about some interesting thing I did….that never happened. These seem to be a skin of truth, filled with a big fat lie. I’ve tried to tell her that she is going to damage her professional reputation, but it’s just as was said before, her ego or Shane in our boring lives makes her do this.

    • T says:

      Hi sad dad,
      I am asking the same question…. what to do about the lies. I have flat out told my husband that being honest is the most important thing in our relationship. I have read about narcissistic behavior and feel this is part of his inability to tell the truth. I feel like I am going nuts a lot of the time.
      He lies about the dumbest things. He exaggerates to make things appear better than they are. He is more affectionate (and admits it) when others are around to make him look better. He has the ability to be incredibly charming and loving. Unfortunately, when I have confronted him with proof of lies, (because I can’t let it go) he manages to turn it on me. “Nothing but love” is his motto. “It’s all good” is the usual retort when he shuts down. I am at my wits end. I don’t think he is cheating (physically) on me however, he is lying about texting and calling a female coworker. He went to the extend to hide a receipt from a lunch they had together. It was pitiful. I am a fact based person. We recently had a heartfelt conversation, he promised me that he would (out of respect for my feelings and me) let me know if he “heard” from this girl. He agreed to tell the truth. Yesterday, his phone went off while he was driving and he asked me to look and read message. It was from her. His reaction was passive and set off my “spider senses” I checked the phone log to see if I was right. Sure enough, after our “heartfelt” conversation and he clearly said, “I get it and I will not lie if we are in touch” He said he understood that I was just upset he wouldn’t tell me about it. I felt like something was up, and checked his phone log. (He deletes all questionable texts and phone logs on his phone but, it is on the phone bill log…)
      I saw he had contacted her and vice versa several times. I am not really upset about their texting as much as I am livid about him lying about it. I said to him why is it more important to communicate with this person and lie about it than to tell me? I finally got fed up and stated even if she is not fishing for an affair, he is engaging. He needs to have his ego fed. I am at the point where I simply can’t stomach him being friends with this girl. I asked him why it was so important to him to continue to contact this girl, his answer was because I like her.
      I don’t know if I should stand my ground, I feel sick to my stomach. I told him from the beginning that even if he were to have an affair, spend all of our money, or, do something really stupid, I would have the ability to forgive him if only he was honest about it.

  • Rebecca says:

    My husband and I have very different points of view on what is important in life, as a result of different upbringings. He likes the sound of ‘get rich quick’, whereas I have been, and always will be, a firm believer that we should work for all we have, and if we can’t afford it, we don’t have it.

    He has often been caught out buying scratchcards and lottery tickets, despite me making my feelings known about how harmful this is to our marriage, so he does it behind my back, yet I am smarter than he thinks and often catch him out. He says he doesn’t want me to find out because he doesn’t want to hurt me, but it hurts ten times more that he is being deceitful. Telling him what it does to our marriage isn’t working because he still does it! My head says I should play the divorce card sometimes, but my heart doesn’t know what to do! The ‘honesty is always the best policy’ concept seems foreign to him! We’ve only been married 18 months. Can anyone offer advice?

  • Kris says:

    A Godly perspective is to respond as Christ would and the first action of Jesus is always forgiveness. How many on this thread have read 1 Corinthians 13 and live every step of it? How many on this thread have read about Christ and his relationship with his disciples? How many have suffered as Christ has suffered and extended love, grace and forgiveness as Christ has to each one of us? Of Christ was betrayed by those He loves most (ever heard of Peter), why do we think it can’t happen to us? Who on this thread has lied to the Lord, stole from Him in tithes and offerings, cheated on Christ, lusted for things above God, betrayed and manipulated your own self in Light of Christ? I speak from experience that the very first thing to do is not confront, it is to drop to your knees and ask for direction and wisdom. Before any relationship can be healed, every person on this thread must first ask the Lord to break and humble themself. There is no going forward until we realize that our own heart is deceitful above all things. It will deceive us into being judges and justifying our behavior rather than encouraging us to be Christ-like. Love…is the hardest thing you will ever do on this earth, if you do it God’s way. I see where some have said they’ve never lied, let’s be honest right there. I see where some have said they’ve never lusted, again it doesn’t just have to be for another man, so let’s be honest. The first step in healing, restoration, a change in our husband, is to first let God shed his light in our own heart and change us. Sin is sin. There are no exceptions. Lying is not worse than gossiping. They each have different effects, and there are different results from sowing and reaping but how you deal with your situation is more important then the actual situation. If your spouse is lying to you, God already knows that and He is not surprised by it. He is also quite capable of handling your spouse’s lying and to allow you to recognize “truth” as you seek Him. It is not our responsibility as wives to be the Holy Spirit and convict/convince/judge our husbands of their sin. It is our job, as wives, to seek the Lord, to follow hard after Him, to trust in Him with all of our heart and not lean on our own understanding, and to be our best example of Christ to our spouse. The level of maturity falls to us, if we recognize this weakness in our spouse. If a spouse is not walking with the Lord, it is going to be very hard for them to behave as if they are. Therefore, it should be expected that our spouses are going to sin if they are not in right relationship with Christ. At that point, there is no blanket response or action for what is going on in each of our marriages. Each situation is different. Each woman has a different level of commitment. Each woman has a different level of maturity in Christ. Each woman needs to be on her knees seeking God’s wisdom and direction for herself, for her husband, for her children, and for her marriage and family. God needs us to come to him and ask Him what we should do. Allow the Holy Spirit to comfort your broken heart. Allow the Holy Spirit to give you revelation and insight. Pray the Holy Spirit to move on behalf of your husband and speak life over your spouse and marriage through the scriptures. Find scriptures of promise and pray them over your spouse. Insert his name, insert your name, and speak life into your relationship. No matter what you do or say, only God can change your spouse and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner your broken heart can be healed and peace can flood your own soul, and the burden of dealing with, whatever situation you’re in, is removed from your shoulders as you place it in God’s hands and trust Him to work it out for your good and His glory. Remember that God loves your husband no matter what state he is in. It is His will that none perish and it is His will that your husband come into right relationship with Him and be changed. God wants that way more than you do. The state that each person has expressed about their husband on this thread clearly says that your man is deceived. If he is deceived, then he is bound in chains and fetters from the enemy. As his wife, you need to break that off of him, you need to help set him free through your prayers, you need to be a tool of healing to whatever is broken in him and causing him to do these improper things and you need to trust that God can use you to bring healing BUT, first and foremost, you must understand that you are NOT “the” Healer, “the” Judge, “the” One that is going to bring your spouse the revelation of his sin…that comes only from the Holy Spirit. Until you are sinless, take care not to be too rash and harsh with your fruit inspections. Yes, it is wrong to lie, be in porn, have an affair, steal, withhold affection…the list goes on, but it is also sin to disrespect our spouse and tear hom down on Intenet threads (regardless of how he has disrespected us). I have lived a life to hell and back, and yet, I have joy and peace. My focus is on God and I watch him work miracles in my relationship with my husband every time I seek Him first, instead of trying to change my spouse. I am no where near the promised land in my marraige, but I’m walking the journey by faith, eyes focused on the cloud by day and the fire by night. When I stop pining for what I wish I had, when I focus on Christ, he changes me and He helps me see my husband as He sees him. That perspective changes everything. I am no longer the responsible one for my husband, God is, and He will do a much better job than I, dealing with him. My responsibility is to allow Christ to use my situation to make me more like Jesus…for real, not just in words…trials and tribulations work His character into my very being, changing me to be more like Him, and for that I count my hell as joy (not happiness, but joy in the growth in me), even though I don’t like it. He carries me and in His arms no harm can come to me. Give your hurt, your broken heart, your feelings of rejection, neglect, betrayal, anger, retaliation, vengeance, hate…be real, you’ve experienced/are experiencing those emotions and more…give them to Jesus because He understands them, and let Him guide you in your situation so that He receives the glory and you receive His peace and joy. 🙂

  • Smith says:

    My heart is hurting to know that my husband has no respect for me, I knew my husband a good while before we married and I caught him lying to me a couple of months into our marriage about porn when I confronted him he promised me that he wouldn’t do it any more needlessly to say I had caught him a few more times after that, I can’t tell you what it did to me how it made me feel or what it said to me as far as what I meant to him when we would try and talk about it he never would tell the truth about why or even where he was going to watch it so being that we could never come to the point of dealing with it and putting it behind us all this did was set us on track for the next issue , my husband would try and make excuses for the things he did that I didn’t approve of and LYING was our 1 st major start to a devastating blow to our relationship and marriage as well . My husband tells me that so what he lied so what and I can tell you that those words right there told me a lot about him that I didn’t know first of all how can u have boundary when ur spouse thinks it’s ok to tell any kind of a lie??? How can you have any trust in there word how can that make you want to open up and share your everything with someone u can’t take them at there word??? I had come to realize that even after the lies I was still giving what I so badly needed and wanted from the man I married and loved honesty , and respect it got worse from here on out he would take others word over mine things he would hear from others he would believe and then treat me like a peice of crap instead of coming and asking me if what he heard was true or not??? This was another hurtful blow to us and me as well I could not understand what it was or what it was about me that he felt he couldn’t talk to me??? That was something I had stressed to him from the very beginning and that there was nothing that he could not tell me or ask me for I will not make you feel ashamed or judged but it did not matter what I said he made me feel very much like an outsider and the enemie I could not understand why or what was going on our arguments were more and more and getting worse . After several years of him lying to me he gets mad at me because of what he had heard one nite at a party he and my son had went to which was a lie and he thought that he would tell my son which at the time was 6 or 7 that I was a kier and a drug addict not to mention also in front of my best friend I felt my heart fall to my feet I could not believe what he had just done to me he had just totally disrespected & torn me down mentally and physically in front of our son which this was something of my past it was not taking place then , shocked at what had just taken place right then and there I saw and felt differently about him there was no respect at all on his part at all from that point it affected my relationship with my son because he to had no respect for me my husband had robbed us of that and much more and there was never an I’m sorry or even and talk with our son trying to tell him that it was wrong what he had done to me . I’m sorry but that dies not show or even tell someone that they love or respect u to me in any way it tell just what they said about u no respect that u are a no body my marriage suffered greatly from this and no signs of being sorry for what he just said and did to me in front of our son that’s no way to teach your children what respecting your partner is suppose to be that’s not showing or saying that you love them its tells the opposite . You should never put your children in the middle of ur issues. Still not ever dealing with the issue we grew distant and cold I ended up having an affair , and my husband found out about it yes that he asked me about and I told him yes I was wrong but I felt so worthless and disrespected and picked apart I needed to feel important and respected as if I was someone I suffer everyday the consequences of my action my husband wanted me to stay and work things out and I agreed because I loved him and wanted us to work but it’s a mistake that will haunt me til I die were still together just existing day to day really no connection or physical connection either I don’t know what to do I’ve done everything I know to do but if you both don’t except there wrong doing in this you can’t get pass it my husband tells me all the time that he’s never done me wrong ., he tells me that he doesn’t need me and that I own or have anything I’ve always been a stay at home mom and my husband has alway had a job everything that we have we’ve aquired since we’ve been married but nothing has my name in it nothing only the truck I bought for my son , and I also put my husband on the title too , it’s been a long tough road I feel it’s been based on lies and more lies he tells me nothing about our finances we own everything we have and we never have any money in 18 yrs I’ve seen 2 check stubs I honestly don’t think he loves me and that he ok with the way things are and he tell me all the time I care about you I do everything u ask me to I have to ask because I have no money to get a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk he makes it this way but I tell him all the time that’s not love to me I don’t care about what we have what’s important to me is how he see me and what I mean to him I want to be #1 in his life under our Heavenly Father he is in my life and I will always have his back and he will always be able to count on me even after all of the disrespect and hurtful words said and things done I hanging on to a tiny sting hoping that something changes for the good ive tried to get Ihim to go to counceling and he won’t I’m broken, lost and hopeless I don’t know what to do I don’t want to leave but I don’t want yo be treated this way 😥

  • caro says:

    After reading all the posts and fully understanding every situation as I too am in a similar situation with my husband , I very strongly feel that Kris (April13 ) ‘s reply makes the most sense to me .Most often I have retaliated and felt even worse as I have permitted myself to say the most awful things to my husband .It never once made me feel better . Instead when I have taken the situation and surrendered it to the lord I have returned stronger . My husband too refuses to enter into counseling although we have the same problem since 30 years and I feel its not only destroyed me but its destroyed him too.Yet his ego wont allow him to admit the same. My greatest fear is how our lives will impact the future relationships of my 3 sons with their respective partners. i know there is nothing I can do and hence I will continue to entrust this situation to my Lord and to rely on His promises . He has to make good His promises to me and I have to continue to trust His love for me and for my family .May God be with all of us in our moments of despair and may we all be given the gift of grace that we may be ever forgiving .One day things will turn around and we will be truly happy in our marriages ,

  • Deb says:

    Wow, a lot of this rings true with me. So, a back story. My husband and I have been married for about 10 years, together for 12. He’s a wonderful man, adores me and our two children and for awhile in the beginning, life was wonderful. he had a great job, we were living the dream. Well, that all came crashing down on us with the crash of the market back in 2008 i believe. He was working as a financial advisor and due to the stress and loss of money, he began drinking ended up getting fired because he was drinking on the job. Ever since, our life has taken many drastic turns. The lies started of course with drinking. He’d say he wasn’t drinking, but not only would he come home slurring his words, but he’d act unstable. Twice he admitted he had a problem and promised he’d never do it again. So, to this day, there are still times, based on his behavior, that I think it’s continuing to happen, but he swears its not. So, that’s the beginning. Since that time he’s done several things. He cashed out my 401K years ago without my knowledge and when I confronted him, he said he had to because he needed the money to pay bills. He didn’t want me to worry about things. He’s also filed taxes a number of times and has “failed to mention” some important things that have come back to bite us in the ass. We’ve been audited and had to pay additional taxes. This last October when we were supposedly supposed to be filing our taxes late (with the extension), we never received a bill. Not only not from the CPA for the filing but not from State or Federal. I kept asking him to check with the CPA and figure things out. Well, after months of asking and no resolution from him, I called the CPA myself. Sure enough, the taxes had not been filed. When I confronted him, he acted baffled. Almost angry at the CPA for screwing up. He’s lied about money for so long. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I love him and really don’t want our marriage to fail but I’ve given up hope and just find I’m angry all the time. I don’t want my kids to suffer as I know they absorb everything, including our stress, sadness, frustration, everything.
    We’ve had to sell almost everything, we pawned my wedding ring, have had to ask family for money and here we sit, still in debt, WE even sold our house about three years ago to pay off our debt and due to terrible job choices on his part, here we are, back in an even deeper hole than we were before we sold our home. A few months ago I misplaced a very special ring that was my mother’s. One day, he found it and called me elated he’d found it and I asked him to put it in our safe. For whatever reason I needed to get into the safe a couple of months ago and lo and behold we couldn’t’ find the keys to the safe at all. We turned our house upside down and still nothing. So, I was offered a second job yesterday (to of course help our situation since he’s currently not working) and need my social security card. So, in a panic this morning knowing a locksmith would charge us between $60 and $100 to get our safe open, I googled how to pick a lock on a safe. Amazingly the youtube tutorial worked, the safe was open and I got my SS card but my Moms ring was nowhere to be found. I FLIPPED! It’s almost a carat diamond and I just got a really bad feeling. I immediately accused him of lying about the keys being missing and never even putting my ring in the safe. My first instinct is he pawned it. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.
    I have no money to move out to find a place on my own but I feel like if I don’t stand my ground, the money issues will never go away. I feel like my entire marriage has been one lie after the other and I don’t know what to think anymore. Feeling so hopeless and scared.

  • justhurt says:

    So what do you do? My husband of 4 years with for 7 continues to lie about everything! He says it’ll stop, I tell the truth about everything we have two little girls and I don’t want to leave, but at the same time my heart can only break so many times.

  • Alicia says:

    I am the lier here. We been separated for 3 years but we text or talk at times. Takes me shopping pays my car insurance and phone but he don’t want to work it out because I lied to him. I started hanging out with friends and meet a guy friend . To make it short I only kiss him and we’re friends but husband thinks there’s more because had a pic on Facebook him hugging me. Looks bad I know but nothing more happened. I started going out because he would stay out with friends and wouldn’t answer my calls and would verabley abuse me telling me he didn’t love me wanted a divorce or was unhappy and sick of me so tell me am I wrong for not telling him of my guy friend. I love my husband I want him back and I wish we could work it out.

  • Jess2499 says:

    I am hoping that I can get some insight from people. all your stories are so heart breaking and I am in the same boat. 7 years ago I met my husband of 5 years. We met and it was an instant connection. 2 months in I found out he had a daughter, but he was so scared to tell me I overlooked the lie. Three weeks later I found out that he lived in a different town father away from me (we always hung out at my place). Once again I believed he was done lying and was so in love ( and stupid). I asked him point blank if he had anything else to tell me and he said no. 2 weeks later I found out that he had lied about having a job. I confronted him at his house and he was so distraught telling me things would be different. I fell back into his spell. Though I dont think I ever truly trusted him. A few months later I discovered that he looked at p#rn and live webcams. I drew and line and said no webcams even though all of it made me uncomfortable. A few months later I found pictures of women naked on his computer and found that he had sent pictures too. I was furious and was ready to walk. He convinced me I could change. As you can see I have some serious faults at believeing ppl. We got engaged and I continued to find the lies. he said he would get help, he didn’t. On our wedding night he lied to me and got so mad at me for questioning me that I let it go thinking I was wrong. Almost a year later I found out I was right. His daughter’s mother, who he said knew about me for over a year, had found out about me and our baby girl via facebook a year after we got married. He had lied to me for over a year. He was still talking with other women, viewing them online etc. He is a p#rn addict and look at 5-6 times a week. We have two small children, and last year he got fired. He lied to me for over a week after getting fired, pretending to go to work and then coming home once I left. Still doing filthy things online all the while I begged for a better s@xual relationship. The last straw was when I caught him on webcams and flirting with other women whom I have asked him repeatedly not to talk to. The content he views online is beyond normal. He constantly picks that over me. I do not know what to do. I do not think he will change. He is going to counseling only because I have set it up for him. He will not let me go with him and insists on going alone. Worse is that he doesn’t seem to be regretful, and is consumed with how this is affecting him, he is a failure at his marriage and should just be a bachelor is something he said to me. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would help. I started seeing my own counselor this week.

  • Kacy says:

    So frustrating. I’ve been married for a little over three years now and my marriage is going down the drain very quickly. We married after only knowing each other for 28 days. Sounds crazy but we both felt madly in love. Now I know not the greatest dessision. I was in a marriage for 17 years to my ex and had been divorced for two years and he made me feel like a queen.
    Right out of the gate I found out that lying was not a big deal to him. It’s his way of avoiding conflict. I have caught him in so many stupid lies, my trust in him is gone and I can’t get it back. He started lying about things when he learned that I felt certain things were not exceptable to me. He owns a business that has a tiki bar. Bartenders, ladies and female employees will send him pictures of themselves being a little crazy. I didn’t mind at first but I guess after I told him somethings were not appropriate to me, he quit and just started to delete all text and pics from me. He has a fascination with girls, I learned it really quick. He’s a charmer, and very flirtations. He likes to surround himself with attractive fun girls to the point to which I feel disrespected. We are talking placing bookkeeper ads out with request for them to send a picture with resume and then to only interview the young, attractive girls for bookkeeping, who work in his own little 3×3 office. Maybe I’m just to insecure but to me it seamed a little off. It goes on and on, stupid stuff. I started confronting him right away, and he would deny things and lie to me right to my face, so I stopped confronting until 6 months ago. I blew my lid. I would not talk to him, sleep with him and just kept saying to him he’s got to change or I want a divorce, he finally said I was right, and he’s sorry for hurting me and he wouldnt lie or hide things from me anymore but he still does. I think he’s just trying to sweep things under the rug and not address our issues. Whether I’m right or wrong I don’t care, it’s how I feel. I am not saying completely change who you are or what you do just share things with me so I can deal with them, don’t lie and hide things.
    I don’t know what to do. Trust is gone. He’s allianted all my friends, fired three of them including my best friend in life who introduced us, and he refuses to share his life. Does he love me, yes, I love him as well but I don’t know how to trust or respect him. I’ve read so much stuff on line and have tried to understand him but I can’t figure out how. I’m 41, he’s 62 and I am at the point to where I’m not sure we have the same beliefs and that maybe we just don’t work together. Any advice

  • Regina says:

    I was having a boyfriend. we had a 9 months relationship, We were known for long time and we promised we will be together forever but he has always had a drinking problem all his life.. because his drinking habit became so much this made us always have misunderstanding and I quarreled with him and humiliated and i made him realize that his bad habit was hurting me, I wanted him to change. i wanted him to be a good guy, i tried to change him but nothing was working out this made us to departed from each other, until one day i heard about dr.mack, i tried his love spell and definitely it worked out perfectly for me, it never took time for the spell to start working, after some few days my lover came to me and wanted us to start our relationship again, our lover is so tight now that nothing can brings us apart, and his drinking habit stopped entirely, this love spell from dr.mac@yahoo. com is wonderful

  • Amanda says:

    Well, Thank goodness I have finally found a place to verbalized my pain, fear and frustration. Like most of you ladies I suspect my husband of 16 yrs. is into porn but I regret to say that is the least of my martial nightmares… I honestly thought I had found a true good God loving man he was also the perfect gentleman for at least 8-10 years! I don’t think I even suspected him to look or flert with other women I completely thought he was the man any lady could hope for! I honestly don’t even know what or when this started but as a 57 year old woman with resent empty nest my world as I knew it has been crushed and for the life of me I almost can’t get out of bed! Anyone ever heard of the Gas Lantern story? Yes he’s honestly trying hard to make me feel like and look like I’m losing my mind! No safe warm security at my house!!! It’s horrible, how can he do this to me. I know he’s seeing someone else, and it’s one lie after the other. I’ve told him in many ways to GET OUT and he not only refuses to leave, he denies everything he will not admit anything other than being being perfect. How did I miss the Narsisstic behavior he has he will turn any situation around and almost convinces me that It’s all me? We haven’t had sex in over a year, we have completely lost any kind of bond. This past 2-3 years has been more than I can handle, I have NO SELFESTEEM NO CONFIDENCE MY SPIRIT HAS BEEN BROKEN AND IM SO LOST LONELY AND CONFUSED WHY AND WHEN DID THIS ALL START? Was I so blind, or did he just suddenly change all his ways? I don’t know what to do and oh of course I dropped out of school to get married at 16 and can’t even support myself. Does it sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself? Life has turned into a cruel Joke.

    • Nillie says:

      I’ve heard of it and been through the same exact thing. You are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from Gaslighting. Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted/spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception and sanity. The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse, that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power.

      Leave, it is a cruel abuse to you that he is doing.

  • JASMINE says:

    I did had the conversation with him and he confined in me that he didn’t know whats wrong with him and he still loves me,But he he got something pulling him back anytime he try’s to make his bad to Good……After that conversation with him,I felt yes is time to seek answers to know why and whats wrong with him and our marriage…. I surfed online one faithful Wednesday after work,trying to get more ideas on how to fix marriages.Then i found different posts from women and men with same marital issues and i took the bold step to make contact with this great spiritualist,Who requested for my name and other marital information. Immediately after 2hours he wrote me that all would be fine,If i believe and have faith that true love never dies….I strongly believe and knew my problem was over cause i never gave up on my family…. He request that i only make provision for the items needed to perform a binding and return prayers which i did.He gave me a guarantee that after the prayers is completed i will see changes in my marriage with will only take 24hrs to see effect and that my husband will come open to me to where he has wronged and will seek for my forgiveness…He also told me before the ritual that my husband was under the spell of that woman and not all woman are happy seeing married couples united,Lot of females out there are just to separate the love and union built for years…….

  • unknown says:

    my husband lies constantly. and when I confront him about the situation peacefully he just says mmmh.he always refuses to talk and wait till days pass and when I bring up the issue because it was never dealt with he says stuff like ” it’s in the pass” even if it was hurtful.he is very secretive its almost as if I know nothing about him. communication level for us is like 2/10 that poor. the thing about lies in a relationship it makes us tired really tired. lies in a relationship it’s like anchor that prevents u from moving. I went away to study and he told me he went out and got our seven year old to lie for him and upon phone conversations he hang up never answered the phone I stayed up all night just thinking and calling and he never answered the only option left for me to do was move out. because I got really tired and it was really heart breaking.

  • Jim says:

    My wife has lied about money for years, she has a gambling addiction and refuses to admit it. She steals from relatives to support her habit and each time she is found out she blames everyone but herself. She has emptied our bank accounts and literally put me out of a job and in the poor house. Now on disability I have no choice but to leave this mess. Only wish I had done it a decade ago before my family was destroyed. I felt loyalty to her that was my mistake.

  • thelma says:

    I need advise. my husband lied tome about his age, he understated his age by 4 years making him 10 years older than me. I know that had I known this I would not even have dated him let alone marry him. his defense is that he knew I would not have given him a chance so he lied in the hopes that I would love him for who he is. the problem now is I m no longer sure if I can trust him. i don’t know what to do.

  • AB says:

    This article hits home ! I have been very happily married for over 30 years and my husband has lied to me about the most insignificant things over the last two years. He just started changing, seemed like over night, and I was worried so I went to google and got the idea that he must be cheating. Well, that got stuck in my head and I accused him of cheating. Our lives have changed for over two years now. He said and promised that he never did and never would cheat, but my gut is saying something is just not quite right. About 4-6 months of hell, he started with little white lies that makes no sense at all. He hates to fight and avoids conflict with me, so he kept some info from me and told stupid lies.
    Now the man that I love more than anything in the world, has lost my trust. I have anxiety and battle depression because my marriage has lost one of the most important aspects to me (Love, Trust, & respect)
    I just don’t know what to do. We have been working very hard to get back to just being us. He has been pretty good, but he is not the same man of some 30 yrs of marriage. Some say he went through a mid-life crisis. He is now more self-centered, which is not who he always was. Our marriage was always “us”, now it moves more towards him doing the “me”.
    I still have the suspicion of him cheating, but have never found one ounce of proof. But that thought never leaves and I need help to get it out of my head. I want to just relax, stay calm, and enjoy life, but without trusting him to not lie to me again is killing me.
    How do you stop worrying that he will lie again, how do I trust again, I don’t want to end my marriage because of little lies, but I am having real problems dealing with it.

  • Zero says:

    Wow, great article. I have been married for 25 yrs to a wonderful man. Oh, I love him with all my heart. He has always been a very hard worker and together we have a great life. He has always been very supportive of my career and i am proud of him. A few years ago he quit is job that he disliked and started his own trucking company. It was all daytime work, so he is home everyday. He loves the freedom and independence and it was going great. The he starts telling me that he “has” to lie to the dispatchers about the time he will arrive at the delivery and other times for routes, he said that way the get him the next load information or otherwise he would waste a lot of time or lose a load.
    We had a lot of conversations about this and I would get upset and say don’t let them change you. You have always had high standards and are respected by everyone because of your morals. But, he continued.
    Then he started changing. I didn’t notice much at first, but then I went on a business trip and when I got home, I noticed a huge change. He was angry, short tempered, complaining about things that he would always just blow off. He became a little distant but with our work schedules I did get alarmed. Then I also started asking myself questions of what is going on here?
    Same as above I got a ping in my gut that made me wonder if he had or was having an affair and of course we never kept anything from each other so I blurted right out “are you cheating on me” This hit him like a ton of bricks. He actually cried and said no, why would you say something like that. I would never, I love you. Well, I just couldn’t let it go and we had some ugly fights. I lost my trust in him. I started looking at his phone, email and bank accounts. I never found anything that was a red flag, but my head strong self was in self defense mode now.
    A few friends that I did talk to say he would never cheat, he’s not that type, he loves me, and on and on.

    then I caught him in some little lies. The lies, looking back now, were all about keeping the peace and avoiding a fight, but when your in the middle of it all you just don’t see it. The lies he told were very insignificant and I still don’t know why he even bothered to tell them. I might have gotten mad but it would not have caused a huge argument.
    I now don’t trust him to tell me the truth and I don’t trust that he tells me the whole story. We are working hard to get everything back together, but I am having real issues with trusting him.
    Here’s an example. Just two weeks ago he said the dog was never on the motorcycle, then just yesterday having a fun conversation, he said he put the dog on the bike just to put it in the garage. WTF. Why make such a stupid small lie. Now I can’t stop questioning everything he says. What is the truth and what is a lie. My life is no longer fun and relaxed. I am always on guard for the lie to come. He is destroying our marriage one lie at a time and I am afraid that we will end in divorce over this.
    Why does he keep doing this and how can I get him to understand he needs to stop before it is to late for us.

  • SUZAN says:

    great article

  • Lynne says:

    I am very recently engaged after being together for almost 5 years.We bought his mom’s house, which we are now going through. While going through a closet on my own I found a wedding invitation for an ex wife I knew about on top of a tax return to a wife and step child I did not know about. I asked him and turns out he was in this second marriage for over a year and swears he told me about it. I know for a fact he didn’t tell me. Now question, while I am very hurt is this a reason to be upset or question our future marriage?

    • mike says:

      Yes. Be careful find out why he might decieve you. Wouldnt he have mentioned her when he mentioned the first wife? Hard to forget a step daughter and mention nothing EVER. Does he still talk to her or is he hiding a past shame? So many questions he leaves you with.

  • Amanda Segura says:

    Can anyone help me? I am 29 my husband is 45 and he lies constantly! Everyday everything he speaks is a lie! We been together 4 years married 3. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried talking about it but he gets mad and thinks he can ignore me for days. Not gonna happen. I will end my marriage over the lies. I have a 4 year old son and he has 2 daughters that are 8 and 12 that I just adopted. Please help me. Thank you so much!

  • Sonia says:

    I have been married for 24 years. My husband has lied to me from day one. He lied about his age, about his debts, about his porn addiction. Today, once again, I was called by a collection agency, about another debt he has not paid. In 24 years of marriage, I have paid $100,000 worth of credit card debt. When confronted, he becomes emotionally abusive and because he knows I have no one in this world, he threatens me to leave me penniless and alone in the care of my 15 year old daughter. I became a believer 12 years ago. He has resented my faith since. He comes to church, but I see very little repentance or change in his heart. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have forgiven so much and I am now empty, tired and I feel old. What does God demand of me? What am I to do? Am I to leave? And go where?

  • Dawna says:

    I found out my husband has been lying to me for a year now, about doing things during work hours with a co-worker. He kept telling me he didn’t like her, she should be fired, just really tried making me feel like he didn’t like her. But when it finally came out, there was an altercation and he went to jail. The crazy thing is…… everyone has an opinion but not like you would think. He put his hands on me and all his family and his friends can say is, you went to jail? Not ….. you put your hands on her??? I confronted this girl, and she had no remorse for anything. I blame both of them for what was going on. Everyone always blames the other man or woman, but who knew they were married the most? You can’t steal someone, and you can’t take a unwilling participant that doesn’t want to go. They choose to go. He can’t figure out why I’m upset. Seriously???? The trust isn’t there, I question in my head every time he says something, and HE wants to work things out…… He told his other co-worker that we spent too much time together….. I never see him, he works during the day and I’m in school, we only have the weekends. I just don’t understand why. He doesn’t want me to bring anything up, again seriously??? I’m in school to be a therapist/ counselor and he doesn’t want to talk about it? I pay close attention to lots of things, body language will speak louder than words sometimes. When a person can’t keep eye contact with you or they keep shifting in their chair, or can’t stand still, shifty yeah there’s a lie lurking.

  • Rachael says:

    *HELP PLEASE*I need honest constructive advise.. Pls.. Me and my fiance just had our son two months old now and I am so crushed I feel like im in a depression. He lies about the smallest things to huge things he either doesn’t care or honestly thinks im sticking around to be treated like shit cause I love him an very loyal. Which he takes advantage of 24/7 no joke.. Tell me if im wrong pls. He is an alcoholic he says everything he loves about me are things I do for him an that’s it. Finding porn on his new phone an I show him but he says idk how that got there. Constantly flirting or checking out weman right in front of me an says he what? He has hidden apps on his phone seeks other females found another email he has with all dating site and things he didn’t want me to find and clams its just an old email he didn’t even know the password too.. I am almost 25 an he is almost 40 is it the age difference? I just feel like an idiot an don’t want my son raised around this. He even moved in his methadone addict mother in our ONE BEDROOM apartment with her dirty palmeranian she refused to take care of or clean after herself even stuff she spills cause she’s to busy being high on my couch.. She has even stolen things of mine and moves my things so she has room. I am a prisoner in my own house stuck in my room or gone all day parked at safeway talking to my mom balling my eyes out an all she wants me to do is leave an move where she lives(her first grandbaby!!) Then i have to pick up my fiance from work an get him his beer then I am ignored unless he wants oral sex while he is thinking of someone else. Doesn’t hold our son or play with his 6 yr old daughter when all she wants is his damn attention instead she now just wants nothing to do with him cause she knows he is drunk. That all she tells her mom its very messed up then just walks by says hi to them then sits outside smoking ciggerttes on his phone trying to leave somewhere. There’s more but I think I aired alot of my dirty laundry…. Im sorry.. I have nobody to talk to. Also i have in all fairness tryed to understand from his perspective thinking what has made him become hateful toward me well I do nag and complain alot but its because I argue about always having to be responseable for a grown man. I even tryed to be understand he just got out of prison August 11 2016 served 2 years so I figured he was just like a 21 hr old an he would soon get over it but no it has progressed an instead of lovers or even aquantances, I have to be like his parent… I bit off more that I can chew.. They are leaches sucking me completely bone dry nothing left to spare..

  • Erin says:

    I am the liar. I have been with my husband since 2005 and we have been married since 2012. He doesn’t drink but I enjoying going out. He didn’t like me going out. So I would hide that I met up with my girlfriends. We live 6 hours apart and only see each other every other weekend. I could hide my drinking because I could drink when he wasn’t home. I hated to disappoint him but I also wanted to be me too. I just got caught in my lie and created an elaborate web of lies trying to wiggle myself out of it. When we finally talked (on the phone because we are 6 hrs apart) I eventually came clean. I told him everything and I broke my husband’s heart. He can never forgive me. I shouldn’t have lied. I should have told him the truth and fought with him on the nights I wanted to go out. I should have told him I was not an alcoholic but enjoy a loud evening with my friends. I should have told him all these things because I should have given him the opportunity to not marry me.

  • sheshe says:

    I am now going through the same thing. My husband lied to me. I woke up 4am and noticed that he and his friends are no longer in the house. They went somewhere. I asked him where theyve been but he lied. I found out the truth from one of his friends who confessed that they went to a beerhouse. It is now hard to believe and trust him

  • Sam says:

    My husband who I just married this May, who I met two years ago, he would lie about little things here and there but they were small stupid things and recently I went to check his medical records and he told me not to, told a whopper of a lie which had me even more concerned. Given him the benefit of the doubt I kept asking questions because what he had said could effect our daughter. And he just kept telling me to drop it that it was done and taken care of but he didn’t have any answers. I just found out that he lied about everything not just here and there, everything. To the point I don’t even know who he is at all. He wants to mend things but I don’t know how this hurts too much I couldn’t even say I love you anymore, I don’t know what to do

    • I'm living life and I'm Happy- Jackie says:

      Debbie… You need to start praying and mediating first. Then put him out or you leave and leave all them memories there or throw away because all theyre going to do is cause you depression each time you rethink or speak on them…. Let it GO !!!!

      **** LISTEN TOO**** T.D. JAKES .. youtube … speaking on ” LET THEM WALK !!! ”

      Because you can make or trick or beg nobody into loving you; and even if you do thats not the LOVE that we all know and want it not the same.

  • Claire says:

    Hi after some advice please
    I have been in a relationship for nearing 1 1/2 years
    He has lied about little things once or twice nothing major
    We are currently working in different towns an i caught him on chaterbate .com
    He isnt a big talker an i dont think he would honestly talk to women , He said he only watched it
    Because ive been stressing him out at work an he has so much on his plate with trying to get a house
    For us ect ..
    We are meant to be getting engaged , Married an he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
    I know he loves me dearly but i cant be with a liar or so eone whom i think is lying
    It takes me away from my normal chirpy self
    Have i been to hard on him ?
    It has been stressful without him at home an vice versa for him
    I also know that guys Do that because they go into there own little fantasy land where they dont have to worrry about anything but themselves …
    He told me that he only did it because i have been stressing him out to much he didnt need to worry about anything whilst wanking to some random
    He was crying over it also because he dosent want me to think he is a liar , player ect
    Im no innocent ive watched porn but would never not tell him
    I feel betrayed an all i need right now is stability an someone i can rely on an know they will be there for me esp with this huge move
    Any advice would be magic cheers

  • Patson says:

    I definitely need help with a similar story. My wife does not have an income, because she does not work. We have two little girls, so we decided she stays home to look after the kids. So our only source of income is my job. I work for a State University and earn pretty good amount of money to sustain our living expenses. As Africans, we have a “moral obligation” to send money back home to our family to support them. My family does well back home and really does not need money from me on a regular basis, unless there is a problem. However, every month I always send money to my parents in law on average $200 (and I underscore this is every month). If for any reason I am late to send the money, my wife’s brothers and sisters would call her and say really nonsense stories. She kind of lives under pressure from her family. I always suspect that there might be something going on. Now I discovered that my wife has some cash, she is planning to send it, without me knowing it, to her family.
    How do I handle this?

  • Janet says:

    I lived with lies from day 1 of our marriage when our honeymoon trip turned out to be on a nude beach. I knew nothing about this and had to deal with his embarrassing behavior for a week. I knew that I was sleeping a lot and latter found out he had been drugging me and going out to do his thing. I was so naive and did not totally realize the extent of his lies until after his suicide, 3 years ago. I went though his phone and saw the real person that I as married to was not even the person that I thought I married. I cannot believe I was so gullible for 20 years. Now I am 63 and trying to start over is almost impossible. He said he wanted children when we married but he would not do any thing to improve his ability to get me pregnant. So here I am, over 60, no children or grandchildren, and no husband trying to find a new life for myself. Do not wait your entire life to realize what a narcissistic psychotic person can do to destroy your life and their own.