What happened to the person you fell in love with?
Back when you were dating and newly married, you thought you knew your spouse. Now, they’ve changed, and you’re not sure you recognize them anymore. What should you do?
One of the biggest marriage myths is, “The person I fell in love with will always stay the same.” When your spouse changes, it can be startling. That’s particularly true if the change is significant.
We romanticize the idea of what our spouse will be like as a husband or wife. That’s completely normal. But we’re not prepared when some of those illusions fall away after marriage. Maybe our interests shift and change; maybe your spouse doesn’t share the same things with you as they did when you were dating.
Love is blind may be cliche, but it’s also true. In the dating and honeymoon phases, it can be difficult to see your spouse for who they really are. When you start to see negative traits, the romantic ideals you held could be challenged, or even shattered. How do you handle the changes you see?
Has Your Spouse Really Changed?
Has your spouse really changed, or are you just seeing a more complete picture of who they are? When we’re dating or in the honeymoon phase of marriage, we may not see as many of our spouse’s negative traits. It can be unsettling to realize there’s a dark side, too.
As you get to know one another on a deeper level, you’ll see things about each other you might not like. You’ll see the downsides to the traits you loved early on. You might find some of these revelations unsettling.
It’s important to ask yourself, “Has my spouse really changed, or am I just seeing them in a new light?” Take time to let your emotions settle and look at your spouse as objectively as possible. Could it be that you just didn’t notice these qualities before, or has your spouse truly changed? Getting clear on what’s really happening can help ease your mind.
Don’t be afraid to talk to your spouse about what you’ve noticed. Gently check in on them from time to time. Let them know how much you love them, and that you want to stay connected as you grow together. Even if you haven’t experienced major changes yet, you’ll go through seasons in life that change you, too.
Focus On The Qualities You Value Most
It’s crucial to stay connected to the love you feel for your spouse. You can do this by focusing on the qualities you value most in them. What drew you to your spouse in the first place? Why did you fall in love with them?
Take time to intentionally look for these traits in your spouse each day. Cultivate a sense of gratitude within yourself when you notice them. Tell your spouse what you love about them, and why. Even in the midst of change, you can stay connected by continuing to show and express your love.
If you’re struggling to understand where your spouse is coming from, work on building more empathy and taking a walk in their shoes. Our book, Trading Places, will show you how to do this. Once you’ve embraced your spouse’s perspective, it will be much easier to understand why and how they’ve changed. Pick up your copy of the book here.
Have you or your spouse changed significantly since you got married? How did you stay connected through the shift? Tell us about it in the comments.
