Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Intimacy is the soul-to-soul and heart-to-heart connection that a couple has between them. It’s the defining moment in a relationship where you truly get each other. However, intimacy is fluid in a marriage. It’s easy to get distracted and lose touch.
It’s important to gauge the intimacy meter from time to time in your relationship. In fact, we’ve created a check list you can use to do this. There’s no right or wrong answer, take your time and have fun with it!
Once you rate your intimacy, have a discussion with your spouse. Is there room for growth? Or perhaps it’s already great and you want to take it to the next level? Either way, there are ways to strengthen the intimacy in your relationship. And it starts by understanding and working on some of the most important components that drive those intimate moments. Today, we want to share some of the components of intimacy that are crucial.
Conversation
Do you feel you are free to say what you want in your relationship – without judgment? Can you share your deepest thoughts with your spouse without worrying about being accepted? Having connected conversations with your significant other is a vital role in intimacy. And feeling safe to do so is equally as important.
Intimate conversations don’t usually happen in the middle of a busy day. They tend to happen among a shared and fun experience, or when it’s quiet and you can focus. Setting aside a time to sit and reflect on your day is a good place to start. Remember to season your conversations with affirmations as well. Affirming words from the heart are a great way to cultivate intimacy. Focus on words of affirmation that are true and genuine.
Additionally, what is it you know will help your spouse feel special and cared for? Perhaps by asking your partner for advice, or seeking their input in your life they will feel valued. When you show your partner you value their opinion you are sharing an intimate connection.
Shared Interests
Having things in common with your partner is a key component to intimacy. It can be anything from going fishing together, to a simple walk through the neighborhood. What do you love to do together? Reflect back on your dating life as well – what were some of the most fun dates you had? Recreate those times with your spouse! Surprise them and set up a date that mimics a fun memory you had together.
Don’t forget that spiritual interests and connections are just as important as well. Sharing the same religious values, such as praying together and going to church together, are an immeasurable component to an intimate connection.
Humor
Humor cultivates intimacy. It’s no secret that couples who laugh often together usually have the healthiest and most intimate relationships. When you see your partner after work, share moments with them that made you smile throughout your day. By reflecting on the things that made you happy and sharing that happiness with your spouse, you invite them into your world and create a new connection.
Another great way to share humor is to reflect on memories you’ve had together with your partner – especially those that make you laugh. “Remember that time when…..?” Scheduling activities that are light-hearted and fun are also great ways to add humor into your relationship. Do you love comedy? Schedule a date night! Whatever makes you laugh together, be sure to make more time in your life to do those activities.
Intimacy is a crucial component in establishing a healthy relationship. When you have an intimate connection you are on the same sheet of music, and singing the same song. By focusing on these components and being intentional with intimacy, you can make your every-day the best-day with your spouse.
What intimate components would you like to work on more in your relationship? We’d love to hear from you!
Thank you. This was very helpful.
Good Morning,
We are approaching 24 years of marriage, and truthfully it is by the grace of God that we are still married.
I cannot share my deepest feelings about our relationship, because my Husband either gets defensive or shifts blame back to me. I feel very alone in this relationship right now. Our daughter has graduated from college and is living on her own in another state. I do not get to see her as often as I used to.
I have suggested counseling, but he will not go. Please pray for me.
Pamela, I would suggest you find a Christian counselor and invite your husband. If he refuses, go alone. A counselor can help you seek joy in your life, and possibly help you find ways to connect and communicate with your husband. Praying for renvival!
I’m sorry to hear that about your relationship with your husband. I may recommend reading “Love & Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. It talks about how men and women are different and how guys really care about being respected much more than being loved. I bet if your husband read it, he would be able to open up about some of the current issues in your marriage.
Pax Domini
I second that, I am reading this right now and love the book! It’s taught me so much.
Praying for you both🙏🏻 Try to find opportunities to bless him with kindness and he may reciprocate. Start small and build on that.
Pamela, do not give up on your husband. You have put 24 years into each other. Something I would suggest is find a solid Christian counselor. Being you are a woman, I would suggest more to find a woman counselor. Share everything with that counselor, being wide open. Your heart. Your pain. Your feeling at loss. Take small new steps forward for yourself through that counseling. Dig into God’s written word. Be sure to spend adequate time to cry and share your heart to God also (set aside those times – daily). You learn to share your heart to Abba Father and to the counselor. Taking one small step always forward for you in this NEW TODAY. Get some good solid Christian books on relationships between a husband and wife to help you too. There is a high possiblility that your own husband is suffering through things inwardly only in SILENCE. Men think very different than women. Try not to be negative toward your husband, and especially NEVER become nagging toward him. This only breaks him down more inside and he will dig further into that SILENCE. At this time, do not try to PRY him open to talk his feelings to you. He won’t. It will just reinforce the already SILENCE of his being and make him dig deeper inside. Find ways to compliment him for the good things he does daily. Such as provide for you. Take care of the cars. Pick up things. Taking care of the yard. Look, seek out, those good things that he contributes and thank him for you as the wife noticing him too. Do not go to counseling on the basis of him, go to counseling to improve YOU to become the stronger person to help unwind the tangling up of the yard (like a cat that tangles the yarn up) inside your heart through your marriage, so you get the tangles out, and you dig in to learn to LOVE you too… do the counseling for YOU first… small steps forward.
Pamela, it has an odd title but I would suggest reading “First, Kill All The Marriage Counselors” by Laura Doyle. I just started reading this book yesterday and I feel that God will use the skills I’m learning to help my marriage and help me learn how to better respect my husband. I’d also recommend reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, “The Good Fight” by Dr. Les Parrot and “Cherish” by Gary Thomas. I truly believe these books will benefit you and that God will equip you and your husband to find intimacy again. Praying for your situation. I’ve only been married 1 year and 5 months and am learning that nothing about marriage is easy. Without God, marriage would feel impossible to me. It is a blessing that you are celebrating your 24 years of marriage soon, I pray that you can have many more years together. My suggestion is to give it all to God and to pray that your husband will have a heart change, that only comes from God, taking away his defensiveness, pride and helping him to own the piece of the pie. God took away my defensiveness almost completely, so I know it is possible!
My precious husband and I will be married 41 years on February 18, 2019. We are very bonded together with our Lord Jesus. The three words that probably describe Mark the most are the words of MEEKNESS, MERCY, PLODDING STEPS. The word MEEKNESS is NOT about being humble at all. But the depth meaning is about: The Greek word for meekness is the word praus, in which that word means “power under control.” Praus was used often by the Greeks to describe a war horse that was trained to obey instantly and absolutely, no matter how great the confusion during battle.
PLODDING STEPS some of the depth contained in this word is – Proverbs 4:12 When you go, your steps will not be hampered . When you run, you will not stumble. DIG IN with each step… We plodded through the mud. Despite the wind and the rain, they plodded on : he choose that ten more steps should be straight-way engulfed in the shadow, (Shadow of the Almighty) fastened; progressive; impossible to “track”; diligent, perseverance; does not give up
.
Currently a problem we are having for sexual initmacy is difficult for both of us. My husband suffers from the disease of diabetes and high blood pressure. This, along with a strong medication that he needs to take daily has affected him sexually. He has a complete erectile dysfunction. We have talked this through with his doctor for remedies. However, his doctor does not think it would be wise for him to take another medication to help this dysfunction as this medication with what he deals with medically, can cause a major heart attack. So you have the decision of taking the ‘risk’ or find other ways to have intimacy sexually. We are praying for God’s answers and God’s help in this area. We did purchase a couple of female sex toys / vibrators for me. He also is pressing through to become more attentive toward me. God will make a way – always has, always will.
I have become friends with someone on facebook, whom married in 2010 to a beautiful Christian woman. Before he came to know Jesus, he had become completely caught up in becoming a Transsexual (man to become a woman) through surgery. He ruined himself. However, JESUS redeemed this beautiful man and delivered him. He had reversal surgery however this botched him up badly and he no longer can function at all. They both have a beautiful marriage today since 2010. Serving the Lord. He is ‘bold’ against this ‘sin’ that is embracing many in USA today. I plan to be asking him how he and his wife Rachel are able to gain sexual initmacy for what they deal with between each other.
God will make a way.
Initimacy can be found way beyond the flesh through sex. Think about initmacy relationship between the BRIDE OF CHRIST and Jesus. Between the person of the Holy Spirit indwelling the person of clay. Complete 100% initimacy of love between each other. This can happen also for those of us whom suffer with medical conditions that I wrote above. Initimacy is so much more than sex. Initimacy is that interwoven bond between true LOVE as between Jesus and HIS BRIDE…
I am so sorry to about this. My father had same problem. And once he took care of his health he was able to almost cure his diabetes to a 100%, get off medications and have a normal life with my mom. Look into Dr. Jasón Fung. There is great videos of him on YouTube explaining and has some books too
I have been married almost three years and together with my husband for 10. I can honestly say that humor is one of the only turn ons for my husband. I have struggled with this for years. There’s no sexy outfits or surprise intimate moments. He is truly attracted to me most when I’m a goof and usually that intimacy happens when we have five minutes before a party or some really inconvenient moments. He has a low sex drive. We very rarely have conventional sex too. It’s mostly just foreplay that leads to orgasm. It’s confusing for me and quite hurtful especially when I am constantly being questioned on why I am not pregnant. I also question why my own husband does not yearn for typical sex. I guess through reading these comments it has been helpful to know that everyone struggles,( though differently) there will always be hope through God. It may not be what I’m looking for, but as long as I improve my own outlook and focus on being the best version of myself, I pray that we will grow together and not apart. I’ve been honest with my feelings and I hope that he wants to make a change at some point too. Our priorities are different. I need to understand that sex is not first on that list. Sending prayers for everyone. I do feel alone sometimes, but this too shall pass.
You may want to research Intimacy Anorexia. It relates strongly to a man’s low sex drive. The book Married and Alone may help you.
Sorrt you are hurting and feeling alone. Push into your Heavenly Husband and Savior. He will never let you down.
Hi Ash, a book that really helped me with some of the things you mentioned is “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman. I highly recommend it. I truly think God can use this book as an instrument to rebuild the intimacy that you are longing for. Praying for you!
Also forgot to thank you! This article was also a good reminder that I too am responsible for how my partner views me. If I am holding resentment towards my partner, how can I be seen as attractive? I plan on focusing on my relationship with God and working on my own self esteem. The rest will follow I think.
Thank you for this article, I will use it tonight on Valentine’s Day dinner with my husband. I love how you guys are so real with married couples! Thank you for your ministry! <3
Love this!!!
Been Married 27 years! Learning to take the good with the bad. One false expectation is that we as individuals will always be the same. The challenge is being able to grow together through the years. What We liked early in our marriage may have changed. As said true intimacy starts with conversation and as it progresses we get rid of the sacred cows. Still a work in progress!!
ode married for 6years , since the first day of marriage, i have never had any positive word about me from my husband.he is always against my thoughts. im more educated than he is, and my family is financially higher than his, i thought that was the reason for his behavior. i tried to come down to his level but nothing helped.
we reach home from work try to talk to him he just seats in the seating room and sleeps, i get board and go to bed he stays in the seating room sleeping,
it has been like this for long and i just feel lonely.
thank God that now i have got children that i play with and talk to. but still i feel bad that i dont have any intimacy with my hasband
That’s a great post you shared here. I am married to my beloved husband for 5 years now but I feel the affection and charm of this relationship has lost somewhere. we are both busy in our lives and hardly found an hour or two to sit and talk. I am very worried and I do not want to end up like this. I need more inspiration.