Scheduling sex is something that many couples resist. On the surface, putting sex on the calendar sounds unpleasant, like an item on a to-do list. You might even argue that it takes away spontaneity.
But from research, we know that scheduling sex actually works for many couples. If you’re wondering how that’s possible, we’ve got you covered. Let’s jump right in and talk about it.
Planning Creates Anticipation
One reason why scheduling sex on the calendar works for busy couples is that planning actually creates anticipation for the moment. It helps you to get into the frame of mind to spend time on intimacy. In the midst of a hectic schedule, sex can easily get put on the backburner. Getting it on the calendar can help you keep it a priority.
If you feel resistant to the idea, try reframing it. Don’t think of it as a to-do item; instead, think of it as something to look forward to. As you anticipate intimacy throughout the week or the day of, that will evoke very different feelings than your average checklist item.
Planning Allows for Preparation
When sex is on the calendar and you’re making it a priority, that allows you and your spouse to prepare for intimacy. Both of you can build an appropriate rhythm around these dates, no matter when they fall on the calendar. You can make sure your schedules are cleared and everything is squared away for your time together.
Preparation is important as you move into busier seasons of your life, careers, and marriage. You might have had more free time for spontaneous sex when you were newlyweds without kids, for instance. But now, you have more obligations to plan around. If you have children, you might need to plan for childcare. Planning an intimate encounter doesn’t sound glamorous, but it’s definitely worth the effort, especially if that means you might not be able to have sex at all during any given week.
If you’re serious about making regular sex part of your marriage, but you’ve struggled to make that happen, then planning could potentially turn that around for you. Think of it like this: you value intimacy so much that you’re willing to plan ahead to make it happen. You’re not willing to miss out on it, and you can look forward to it as a reward on your calendar.
Planning Creates Pacing You Can Agree On
Agreeing on intimate dates ahead of time can also help you and your spouse find a pacing and frequency you can agree on. Oftentimes, spouses have different sex drives. Setting a pace on the calendar can help both of you find a sustainable middle ground that works for you, particularly if you have struggled with the question of frequency in the past.
If you’re worried that scheduling sex will ruin spontaneity, remember that just because you schedule sex doesn’t mean sex is limited to that schedule. You can continue to enjoy spontaneous intimacy. Remember, you and your spouse can make the rules and adjust them as you go.
Want more ideas on how to improve your sex life? Crazy Good Sex is a guide to help you and your spouse make intimacy the best it can be. Want to learn more? Take a look here.
Do you and your spouse pencil intimacy in on the calendar? How has it helped you stay connected? Share your stories in the comments.
This advice doesn’t address the root issue. For most, we want it when we have a competent supportive partner (because they’ll share the load of the relationship, allowing us to have the energy/desire). It goes back to the simple sentence: “If they wanted to, they would, & so would we.”