
What’s “fair” in marriage? Do you and your spouse keep score?
We like to say that scorekeeping is for sports, not for marriage. There’s no scoreboard in your living room, and no referees calling each play. It’s just you and your spouse–and if you’re not playing on the same team, you’re headed for conflict.
Do you feel like you’re carrying more than your share of the load in your marriage? If so, how can you find a better balance? Let’s talk about it.
Scorekeeping Holds You Both Back
Scorekeeping in marriage holds both you and your spouse back. It keeps you from building your marriage around your true needs–both as individuals and as a couple. You might think things like chores, division of household responsibilities, and income are the most important balances to strike. But often, that’s not the case.
Throughout your marriage, you’ll experience imbalances. For instance, one of you might be pursuing a college or graduate degree, and have less time available to make an income during those years. If you’re planning to have children, one of you may work less and spend more time at home with the kids. You or your spouse may experience health issues that take you away from housework or a career.
We’ve often asked couples: Would you rather be fair, or would you rather be married? Life isn’t fair, and neither is marriage. Sometimes, one of you is going to get the short end of the stick. In time, you’ll find that things will come back to equilibrium.
You’re Teammates, Not Opponents
Fairness isn’t the point of being married. The point is building a mutually beneficial relationship that helps each of you take one another’s needs and desires seriously. So what do you do when you feel like you’re carrying a heavier load than you agreed to?
First, recognize where true imbalance is occurring. If your needs aren’t getting met, you may need to have a difficult conversation. How can you ensure you’re meeting one another’s needs, even in the midst of this season?
Then, notice where fear may be taking hold. You might be afraid things will stay like this forever (for instance, your spouse won’t pick up the slack and you’ll be left handling things on your own). Or, you might be fearful that once your spouse completes this goal, they won’t take your goals seriously. Maybe you’re afraid you won’t be able to pursue your own dreams after this.
It’s important to create a shared vision you can return to when things start to feel out of balance. What do you both want? How can you be on the same team instead of feeling like opponents? If you haven’t sketched out your vision, it’s time to sit down together and do that.
Remember This is a Season–And Seasons Change
Ultimately, remember that times of imbalance are often seasons. There will be seasons where you’ll focus on the needs of one spouse over the other. Perhaps you’re in a season like that, and you’re feeling upset because you don’t feel taken care of right now.
When times feel challenging, remind yourself of the goals you agreed on–and remember the tide will turn. Rather than worrying about whether you’re going to get your piece of the pie, focus on the generosity and love you feel toward your spouse. Supporting each other through the seasons of marriage will pay dividends.
If things are feeling out of balance, take a walk in your spouse’s shoes. A little empathy can go a long way toward peace! Our book, Trading Places, is a guide that can help you see circumstances more clearly from your spouse’s point of view.
Have you and your spouse struggled with “keeping score” in your marriage? How did you overcome it? Share your experiences in the comments.