How much alone time is healthy in a marriage? Is it possible to spend too much time alone? If so, what does that mean for your relationship?
Being alone, as well as together, can be healthy for your individual wellbeing. When we’re healthy individuals, we bring that wellness into our marriage. Yet there’s often a misconception that spending time alone is unhealthy. That’s not always true.
Every marriage experiences different seasons, ebbs, and flows. Spending time alone doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is unhealthy. Rather, it’s up to you and your spouse to agree on how much alone time works for you.
Does Alone Time Disconnect You From Your Spouse?
Depending on your personality, alone time can help you feel recharged and ready to reconnect. If you’re worried about spending too much time apart, check in with how you’re feeling. Are you feeling disconnected from your relationship? Does alone time create a sense of distance?
If you feel disconnected, it’s time to talk to your spouse about how you’re feeling. You might prefer less alone time than they do, or vice versa. In that case, it’s important to find a compromise that works for both of you.
Talk about what you each need to feel vibrant and supported. Find ways to balance togetherness and alone time so you can each get what you need, as much as possible. For instance, if your spouse is an introvert but you need more time with them, you might agree to share quiet time in the same room, working on separate activities. Or maybe you’re extroverted and want to bring your spouse to social activities; in that case, agree on a set time to leave that feels comfortable to them.
Come Back Together And Share With One Another
If you’re both happy with the time you’re each spending alone, you can increase intimacy through communication. When you come back together, talk about what you created, worked on, or enjoyed during that time. This helps to increase emotional connection.
You can talk about books you’re reading, creative projects you’re working on, or something you learned. Maybe your spouse spends time enjoying a sport you don’t; if so, ask them about it and listen well. Even if you give each other a lot of independence, you can maintain a healthy sense of connection through communication.
Do spend time revisiting activities and interests you share. If you’ve grown apart, this can help you fan the flames in your marriage. Commit to regular shared activities that help you feel close, and that togetherness will pay dividends.
If Your Marriage Is In A Dry Season
Maybe you and your spouse have spent so much time alone recently that you feel like your marriage is in a dry season. You’re not sharing the activities and interactions you used to. Perhaps intimacy isn’t where you would like it to be.
First, spend some time highlighting the things that are working in your marriage. Maybe you’re emotionally distant, and you’d like to reconnect again. You might have a shared activity you’re happy with, and you want to engage in more. Perhaps you still have a lot of physical chemistry that helps you feel connected in the midst of other issues. If you have children, then your lives are intertwined with theirs—and that’s something important you share.
Research out of Yale University shows that the three most important ingredients for romantic love are passion, intimacy, and commitment. If you have just one of these ingredients, then focus on cultivating the others. Even if your relationship doesn’t feel fulfilling today, it’s still possible to reignite that spark. You have to add those vital components again.
Balancing togetherness and alone time can be challenging, especially when it feels like time isn’t on your side. Our book, Your Time-Starved Marriage, shares tips and guidance to help you get back valuable time for your relationship. Take a look, get your copy, and take back your time here.
Do you and your spouse spend much time alone? How do you negotiate shared versus solo activities? Let us know in the comments.
