Your spouse books another skydiving trip, and your stomach drops again—as though you’re the one jumping out of a plane instead. This happens regularly because you married an adventure-seeker who’s addicted to adrenaline and the thrill of risk. On one hand, you want to honor who your spouse is; on the other, you want them to be safe.
When your spouse loves extreme sports or other potentially dangerous pastimes, it can leave you feeling anxious, worried, and wondering when disaster will strike. Naturally, you want to keep your spouse out of harm’s way. If you have children, your concerns are multiplied.
If your spouse is a thrill seeker, can you get them to take fewer risks? What will it take to convince them to stop chasing adrenaline and focus on your marriage and family? Let’s dive right into it.
Adrenaline is Addictive
First, it’s essential to understand that adrenaline is addictive. There’s actually scientific research that shows humans get addicted to adrenaline. We all have our own individual drive for different kinds of adventure. Some people get energy from experiencing an adrenaline rush, and they love activities that create that feeling.
Beyond the biological reality, we just enjoy different pastimes as individuals. You’re not likely to be able to influence or change your spouse’s drive for thrills. Instead, it could be helpful to build some boundaries.
Boundaries and Safety Agreements
The truth is, if your spouse is built for risk and has the “need for speed,” you’re probably never going to change that basic drive. However, it’s okay to ask for limits. Rather than asking your spouse to give up the activities they love, consider coming to an agreement that offers you a little bit of reassurance.
For instance, a friend of ours was an avid thrill seeker whose wife made him promise that he wouldn’t skydive or engage in other high-octane activities until the children had all turned 18. After that, he was free to do what he wanted.
As another example of a practical limit, a different friend of ours had a mountaineering husband who loved climbing Mt. Rainier. This climb is notoriously dangerous, so his wife did some online research into safety practices and asked a lot of questions. She wanted to feel reassured that he was taking all the necessary precautions to keep himself as safe as possible on his climbs.
“I know you love mountain climbing,” she told him, “and it’s a part of your being that comes from your soul. It would take your life away if I asked you to shut that down. I’m not asking you to do that, but I want you to be safe.”
Knowing that her husband was planning ahead for his safety helped bring her a sense of comfort. When we love one another, we allow our spouse’s genuine concern for our well-being to influence us. In a marriage, we don’t just belong to ourselves; and when we co-parent, we have more people than our spouse depending on us. Risk-taking is not just one individual’s choice.
Love Who Your Spouse Is
No two people are wired the same way, and these differences can keep marriage exciting. It’s essential to love who your spouse is, and invite them to love who you are, too. Authenticity is a key component of intimacy, and you both deserve to feel safe to be yourselves.
Your Love Languages® are part of who you are. Knowing and nurturing each other’s primary languages will help you deepen your relationship over time. We co-wrote The Love Language That Matters Most with Dr. Gary Chapman to explore the deeper nuances of the 5 Love Languages®—and help you love one another more deeply than ever before. Learn more about the book and pick up your copy here.
Is your spouse an avid thrill seeker? If so, how do you balance their need for adventure with your desire for safety? Let’s discuss it in the comments.
