Help! We Want More Emotional Intimacy in Our Marriage

Help! We Want More Emotional Intimacy in Our Marriage

Are you craving more emotional intimacy in your marriage?

Emotional intimacy comes from the sense that you and your spouse truly know one another at the deepest level. You understand each other’s fears and both feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable. And the more you can let down your guard with one another, the greater intimacy you share.

Maybe you feel like you and your spouse are lacking the level of emotional intimacy you ultimately want for your relationship. One of both of you might be struggling with vulnerability. Or, maybe you don’t feel as close as you used to.

Either way, it’s possible to cultivate more of the intimacy you’re looking for. With awareness, communication, and intention, the two of you can grow closer. Let’s talk about the nature of intimacy, and some of the things you can do to create more of it.

Intimacy Isn’t Static

First, you need to know that intimacy isn’t static. It’s not something that’s fixed once you find it in your relationship. Instead, it’s always growing, evolving, and shifting.

There will be seasons in your marriage when you feel closer to each other, and other times when you feel a sense of distance. Sometimes, you’ll feel like you have to work harder for intimacy. At different times in your life, circumstances and relationship dynamics will shift.

Knowing that intimacy shifts and evolves should give you a greater sense of security. Even when you feel a little distant, if you know it’s possible to feel close again, you can hold onto hope. You can start taking steps to restore that sense of closeness.

Invite Your Spouse to Open Up

Restoring or deepening your intimacy might mean that you invite your partner to open up to you. Ask your partner questions that help them feel open and safe. Start conversations that help you get to know one another better than ever.

Focus your questions on your spouse–don’t center the conversation around yourself or your frustration (although addressing how you feel is fine). Tune in to their answers and listen well. When your spouse feels like you really “get” them and where they’re coming from, you’ll open the door to deeper intimacy. You want to be the person who knows them better than anyone else on earth, and vice versa.

Create a Safe Place for Each Other

When you and your spouse know one another better than anybody else on the planet, you create the safest place possible for both of you. This starts with loving each other well: listening to understand, asking curious questions, and showing up for one another. And when you create that safe space, you’ll ultimately enjoy deeper emotional intimacy in your marriage.

If you want help knowing what questions to ask–and how to better answer your spouse’s questions–take a look at our Better Love Assessment. It’s a fun way to get to know your partner and yourself on a deeper level. Share what you learn to ask better questions and deepen your emotional intimacy. You can get started here.

Have you and your spouse ever struggled with feeling as emotionally intimate as you want to be? What did you do to get closer? Leave us a comment with your story.


  • Karen Russo says:

    Currently going through Love Talk, seeing a huge difference in our 40 relationship! Haha, you would have thought we’d have it together after 40 years, but your books are really eye opening and though so many simple relationship communication concepts of human behavior and personalities are shared, it’s bewildering it took reading a book to understand the differences in our communication styles. Thank you for the work you do!

  • Roger Mitchell says:

    Would like this test for my marriage . How do I do this.

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