Is it true that when it comes to love, opposites attract?
“Opposites attract” is a popular theme in movies, television, and books. Some of our favorite stories, from the classics to modern pop culture, feature romantic couples who are complete opposites. We hear and see it depicted so often, we’ve come to believe it.
Actually, “opposites attract” is a common misnomer. Sometimes, it might feel as though opposites attract, but the answer to this question isn’t straightforward. There are two ways to answer it, so let’s jump right in.
We’re Attracted to Shared Values
First, let’s talk about shared values. We tend to be attracted to people who are similar to us when it comes to deeply-held values, beliefs, and energy levels. Dating or marrying someone who doesn’t share our values can lead to conflict down the road, so it makes sense that we would choose someone who’s on the same page.
Even when you have many things in common with your spouse, it can still feel like you’re opposites sometimes. When you share a home and a life with someone, even subtle differences can start to feel glaring. But when you take a step back to analyze your relationship, you’ll likely find more similarities than differences.
Maybe you have a similar heritage, dreams, and values. You might share religious beliefs, the same parenting philosophy, or energy for life. Even if you enjoy completely different activities and have different personality traits, those shared values are the glue that holds you together.
Opposite Traits Can Create Balance
We each lack certain stills, strengths, and abilities. When we meet someone who has fully developed those traits, we’re drawn to that because those abilities could help us on our own journey. An introverted person might appreciate a partner who is more comfortable navigating social situations, for instance. Or, someone who is a gifted writer may not be a math whiz–and might appreciate that trait in their spouse as a result.
Perhaps your spouse is kind, patient, and disciplined, while you tend to have a more assertive, free-spirited personality. Maybe you’re a night owl, and your spouse is an early bird. How can you make those opposing traits work together to benefit you both?
Refocus On What You Have in Common
Are your differences creating distance in your marriage? Refocus on all the things you have in common, and the areas where you’re similar. In the end, we’re drawn to the people who are most like us–especially when it comes to the things that matter most.
Taking a relationship assessment together could help you identify important areas where you’re similar. It can also help you understand your differences better than ever before. Our book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS), pairs with our SYMBIS Assessment to help you get to know one another on a deeper level. SYMBIS can help you navigate opposite traits and strengthen your relationship. Learn more about the book and the assessment here.
Where are you and your spouse opposites? How are you similar? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
