Does your spouse tune you out?
Selective hearing is a common issue among married couples. Maybe your spouse only hears what they want to hear. It’s frustrating to realize your communication only seems to land occasionally.
You might want to talk to your spouse about certain topics, interactions, or events they’re not interested in. Or, you might have a honey-do list you’d like them to complete. The problem is, they always seem to tune you out. So what can you do?
Is Your Spouse Deliberately Tuning You Out?
First, consider whether your spouse is deliberately tuning you out. It’s true that some people choose not to listen to one another. But most likely, your spouse isn’t being malicious.
Maybe your spouse is a confident multitasker who struggles to listen well despite their best intentions. Some people can multitask well, meaning they can execute a task and engage in a conversation at the same time. Other people can’t multitask effectively, and this can affect their ability to absorb what you say.
Gender differences can also affect your ability to listen. Men and women listen differently. We know there are physiological brain differences in our ability to listen to conversations.
It’s possible your spouse just isn’t listening to you; however, the most likely scenario is that they just aren’t listening well. Luckily, there are ways to address the issue without deepening conflict. Let’s take a look at one of our favorite approaches.
Communicate in Writing
When listening is difficult, putting your communication in writing can be a game changer. If your spouse struggles with focus, a note gets your message across. Leslie started writing notes for me (Les), and it made a major difference in our interactions.
When I’m working in my office, she drops off little notes that help me stay on top of our agenda for the day. Notes help me know when we need to have a discussion. They also serve as a safety net to make sure information is transferred as intended.
If conversations about listening tend to upset your spouse, writing to them could also help you express your concerns. Let them know how you feel, gently and honestly. This could make a difference in how they listen in the future.
Learn When They Listen Best
Your spouse is probably a better listener under certain circumstances. For instance, maybe they listen well when all electronic distractions are switched off. They might be more focused when working with their hands, such as crafting or sketching. Maybe they listen better while in motion, like on a walk.
Other factors can disrupt effective listening, such as:
- Work-related overwhelm
- Sleep deprivation
- Hunger or thirst
- Parenting obligations
- Time of day or night
- Caring for a sick family member
- Grieving a major loss
- Deep engagement in a hobby or activity
It’s important to both of you for communication to be a win-win. So set your spouse up to win whenever possible. Pay attention to the times when they don’t listen well versus the times they do, and try to hold your conversations for the better times.
Listening Well is Just One Step
Being able to listen well and understand your spouse is just one step along the path of lifelong love. When you’re an excellent listener, you can then tune into your spouse’s primary Love Languages. But it doesn’t stop there.
It’s one thing to know your spouse’s Love Language, but it’s another thing entirely to understand how they need to receive it. Our new book, The Love Language That Matters Most, co-written with Dr. Gary Chapman, is a deep dive into the nuances of each Love Language so you can truly hear and love your spouse in the ways they need. Learn more about the book and get your copy here.
Do you struggle with getting your spouse to listen? How do you address the issue? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
