There’s little more frustrating than struggling to keep your spouse’s attention.
You want them to listen. You need them to hear what you have to say. After all, you offer them that courtesy. Yet it seems that every time you try to tell them something important, their attention drifts.
Maybe they’re chronically busy at work, or they have a lot on their mind. They could simply have a distractible personality. Either way, you find yourself increasingly annoyed — and you need something to change fast.
There’s an important thing to remember: Whether your husband or wife struggles to pay attention, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Sometimes, it just takes a little time for the message to land and absorb.
Gender Differences Impact Attention Spans
Men tend to have a short attention span. This isn’t a sexist statement; it’s a research-based fact. Compared to women, men tend to focus on one thing at a time. It’s a physiological difference from women, not just a maturity difference.
Women are quicker to take in an emotional message than men are. Men, on the other hand, tend to be more distant as they process. It might feel like they’re distracted, but that’s not the case. Women also tend to use more words than men do.
In addition, women tend to have different conversational styles. They explore and unravel things in a way that doesn’t make sense to men. Therefore, tuning in and listening can be challenging.
Have Empathy, But Ask for What You Need
If your spouse struggles to pay attention to you, it’s critical to have empathy in this situation. Try to understand and offer a bit of grace. Having patience for one another in all things, not just communication, will pay dividends.
At the same time, it’s okay to ask your spouse for what you need in conversation. Start important interactions with something like:
- “Hey, honey, I need your undivided attention for a second.”
- “I really need to know you’ve heard me here.”
- “I have an important question.”
- “I need your input.”
- “I need you to influence my decision.”
If you frame the moment well, you’re more likely to get your spouse’s attention. And if they can’t immediately stop and listen to you, then say something like, “Is this a good time to talk?” Then, set a time when they’re free to focus.
Let Your Spouse Know How You Feel
In order to make lasting, meaningful changes, your spouse needs to know how their inattention affects you. Gently express how you feel. You can say something like, “Honey, I love you, but it hurts when you don’t pay attention,” or, “When your attention drifts, I feel like what I have to say isn’t important to you.”
Open the floor for conversation, and truly listen when your spouse responds. Work together to find ways to help them tune in more effectively. When you work as a team, the solutions tend to come easier.
Finally, sometimes difficulties with attention point to a medical condition. If you suspect this is the case with your spouse, consider seeing a trusted physician. The right diagnosis and treatment plan could help you both in the long run.
Difficulties with attention need a lot of patience and empathy. Our book, Trading Places, will help you cultivate both. It’s a field guide to taking a walk in your spouse’s shoes; from there, you’ll gain a greater understanding of their experience and perspective. Take a look and get your copy here.
Have you or your spouse struggled with paying attention to one another? If so, how did you address the problem? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
