Dealing with a Spouse’s Depression

Imagine that your spouse has had a sudden personality change. Maybe he is usually an upbeat person who loves to interact with people, and suddenly he is acting cynical and avoiding people (including you). Or perhaps your normally energetic wife is becoming increasingly lethargic and sad, spending more and more time in the bed or on the couch. One thing’s for sure: they’re acting completely out of character, and you can’t seem to get through to them.

At first, you feel angry. They’re saying things they normally wouldn’t say–things that disturb or upset you–and you can’t seem to help brighten their perspective. You’re suddenly shouldering their responsibilities as well as your own, and you’re quickly becoming overwhelmed. They should just snap out of it, right?

Depression is one of the most misunderstood illnesses, and it often goes undiagnosed. Marriages all over the world suffer as a result of undiagnosed or untreated depression. Normally loving, affectionate spouses can become mean or abusive, which devastates intimacy and can lead to divorce.

So when your spouse is depressed, how do you deal with it? Today we’re sharing some tips to help you protect yourself and your marriage as you weather a season of depression.

Keep in mind that, in an ideal situation, your depressed spouse is willing to seek support and treatment. However, this is often not the case. These tips will help you to deal with your spouse’s depression in almost any scenario.

Learn as much as you can about depression.

Educating yourself to understand depression will help you to be able to identify your spouse’s depressive behaviors and patterns (particularly the ones that aren’t always obvious). Resist the urge to dump all of your newfound knowledge on your spouse, however; a depressed person will not benefit from information overload about a condition they may or may not have accepted in themselves.

Create a support system for yourself.

It’s critical to safeguard yourself from depression, because you’re at a higher risk of developing it when your spouse is depressed. Your spouse’s illness can quickly destroy your joy and zap your energy, sending you on a downward spiral. Even though you can help support them during a season of depression, you can’t take it all on alone. That’s why it’s critical to seek and rely on support for yourself.

Depending on the situation, this looks different for different people. You might have a therapist or trusted church leader you can seek for counseling, or maybe you’ve got a few godly, trustworthy friends you can lean on. Also, be sure to guard your sleep and take care of your body; you’ll need to maintain your health in order to lower your chances of slipping into depression.

Don’t allow yourself to become isolated.

Depression creates a cycle of isolation and shame for the sufferer, and as their spouse, you’re also susceptible to becoming isolated (which can then trigger depression in you, as discussed above). Individuals with depression are prone to feeling ashamed of their condition, thus distancing themselves from friends and family.

Gently encourage your spouse to continue interacting with family and friends. Even if they’re unable or unwilling to stay connected in their relationships while depressed, make sure you remain connected to yours. This is critical to maintaining your support system.

Help your spouse seek outside support.

It takes a considerable amount of sensitivity to approach your spouse about getting help for their depression, and sometimes they’re unwilling to explore treatment options. If your spouse is open to seeking treatment and therapy, help them to research different possible solutions to choose which one is right for the two of you.

Love and support your spouse unconditionally.

Depression is a dark cloud that descends over your spouse and your marriage. It can be tempting to withdraw from your depressed spouse as a self-preservation tactic, but do your best to resist distancing yourself. Your spouse needs to know how much you love them; it’s so important to communicate that you’re on their side, and that you are there for them.

Remember, there is hope! Although depression is a harrowing and painful season to experience in your marriage, when it has passed, the two of you will be closer than ever before. Hold onto your faith and one another, take one day at a time, and you will come out on the other side.

Have you or your spouse experienced depression? How did you protect your marriage during that season? We would love to hear from you in the comments section!


  • Tom Parrott says:

    What if the depressed spouse causes the other to fall in to depression?????

    • Kimberly says:

      It is very common as I have learned! My husband was severely clinically depressed a year ago and when he got better I found myself really struggling. You take on all the responsibility of running the home & often neglect caring for yourself. Which this blog speaks to by saying make sure you are taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. I have recently stated counseling myself and am beginning to bounce back.

  • Dawn Skramstad says:

    My husband was diagnosed with depression 6 months after we were married in 2004. I soon realized that I would have to handle the financial aspects of our life as well as work full-time, and going to school part-time. In our first six years of marriage, one of us was always unemployed. When he was the one unemployed, he’d get very depressed. When it was me, he would be overwhelmed. In 2013 he became suicidal and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where he was diagnosed as bipolar. Now his mood swings have leveled out and he’s more like the man I fell in love with but he has gotten very used to me handling all the day to day stuff and sees no reason to change things. This more than anything is killing our marriage – I want a partner and he wants to keep things the way they are because he has less stress that way. I just keep praying to God, what will you have me do? Divorce for me is not an option but I need someone who will work with me. I do have a support system but they cannot replace a spouse. Thanks for your blog – I love reading it!

    • Ralene says:

      I am going through this as well. Working full time, part time student, and child at home. My husband refuses to get help for his depression, which causes a lot of stress and has horrible anger control issues from it. It’s a very hard time. Hope you find peace and help.

  • Cindy Thomas says:

    Dear Les and Leslie,
    My first husband, a pastor, was depressed for years. For years it went undiagnosed. When it was diagnosed and he sought treatment he had attempted to take his life. He was diagnosed bipolar and also announced he was gay. In those years we lived 2000 miles from any family members. Neither of us had much of a support system. The church family was our entire life and we moved every three years for 19 years and were raising two children who were eight years apart. By the way we married in 1968, separated in 1987, divorced in 1990.
    Those years were probably the most difficult years I have ever experienced in my lifetime. I am now aged 71 and live alone in another state. I recently retired as a librarian, and joyfully serve in my local church. What I learned during that time…in a nutshell…is that God never gives us more than we can bear. I learned to depend on him, trust Him as He guided me and my children. I sought His guidance in a deeper way than I had ever done before and trusted Him for every detail and decision of my life. I have served for 20 years in either Stephen Lay Ministry or the GriefShare ministry, believing that God wants us to comfort others with the comfort we have received from Him. I have a heart for helping others, know He has called me to be a shepherd, especially to the hurting. Several years ago I prayed each week for a year with another godly woman whose husband and daughter were diagnosed bipolar. He took his life about three years ago and I supported her then and we pray monthly with another Christian woman at the present time. Depression and bipolar are very difficult diseases both for the one diagnosed and the entire family. Your advice is good. It is not always easy, however, to keep oneself from being isolated…probably easier in a city which offers many resources and to one who has stayed in one area a long time and is connected to a great church. But even when that doesn’t describe the depressed person’s situation, God is always the friend who sticks closer than a brother. I know that to be true and am living proof of His faithful love for the one experiencing the pain and suffering of any kind.
    Blessings, Cindy Thomas, Florida.

    • Rebecca Rivera says:

      Thank you Cindy for sharing your testimony. Manny women though out the world needs to hear your message of how you maintained strong trusting in God. Reading your story has served as a great inspirational to me. You are truly a blessing and highly favored -Thank you n God Bless.

    • Lauren says:

      Cindy, I would like you to pray for my situation as well if you do not mind.

  • M says:

    I know this can be hard and I almost let myself fall into depression with my spouse. I just decided in the last 3 months to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and just not let my spouse reel me in. I am or try to be very supportive but if they can only look at negative things or live in the past then they are not helping themselves. All you can do is stay positive and remember your vows. If God sees us doing our part then he can and will at his time help the other spouse. I hear all the time that my spouse wants out of the marriage because he is not happy, it hurts but I just try and love my spouse more and more everyday. We have our happy times and I don’t know if my spouse is pretending or if they feel they cannot bring me down anymore. Stay positive and know that God is with you. I hope this helps. I know I have cases my spouse to go into depression but I have reached out for help through a Christian Counseling Service and learned a lot from my therapist. My spouse finally this morning said he thinks it is time to talk to someone. I just hope and Pray it Is to save our marriage and not just to walk away. So patients is the key.

    • T says:

      Dear M,
      Not sure if you will get this , your post was over 2 yrs ago. I would love to know how you and your spouse are doing now. My situation is very much as your was/is. I too rely on God. I know he has chronic pain and depression , but he has all but given up… very hard emotionally, physically and Mentally. Thanks.

  • Wendy Kay says:

    There is so much shame and guilt when one is depressed. I have had several episodes of depression in the past, especially after the birth of my children. What I love most about this blog post is how you stressed the importance of loving your spouse unconditionally through the process. Maybe your spouse isn’t ready to reach out for help right away, however, you can get professional support today.

    My spouse went searching for attention elsewhere (another woman) and stayed there while I sat at home sad and depressed. Education is key. Don’t blame yourself for things you can’t control. Reach out for help when you’re ready. Rely on your faith and remember that you are not alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t feel guilty for being depressed.

    There are many great books to read. You can receive coaching and counseling from the comfort of your own home. I love who I am today. I am marrying a man today who shows me unconditional love every single day. He knows me. He knows my past. Share this article everywhere! Unconditional love for yourself and your spouse will get your through this time of need.

  • Dale Pratt says:

    Mary and I have been married nearly 49 years now. We were into over 20 years of our marriage before the discussion on ‘clinical depression’ started emerging, and even more time before it became safe to acknowledge it. I’m one of those husbands who says, “Thank God for medication!” She’s probably doing better today than ever before, and it’s still often painful. Good words! Thank you for addressing this subject, because it is a very real issue! And yes, it’s definitely taken its toll on me and my psyche over the years.

  • Michael L says:

    I went through an 18 moth depression and as a Pastor, your assertion that ‘shame’ was involved is right on the money! I am normally an extrovert, so when I withdrew and isolated myself, it only made the condition worse. Two things I did that I believe helped me where asking for people who were not in my church to be my prayer partners. I would regularly email them requests, and I believe that their prayers help immensely. The other thing I did was send my wife to see my Christian Counselor, so that he could help her understand what I was going through. This second step, helped keep our marriage in tact and even grew us deeper together. In the midst of it you don’t feel like you can ever get out of the maze that you are stuck in, but I want everyone to know that with proper medication, counsel and prayer, you too can be restored!

  • Dan says:

    I wish I had read this article few months ago. I dealt with my wife wrong and was asked to move out. There’s progress. She’s talking a little more. Yesterday she came to my work and had me hold her. I got to kiss her. She’s getting therapy and kids stay with her. I started counseling. I pray she heals and our family restored

  • JMB says:

    Sometimes the depression doesn’t pass, doesn’t get better, doesn’t go away. My wife struggled with it for years before we were married and it has been a constant thing for the 10 years we’ve been married, in addition to alcohol and prescription drug problems (that has gotten better in the past year thankfully). She’s been on every medication available for depression, counseling and therapy, even electroconvulsive therapy (which I would not recommend to anyone). Her depression gets to the point where she can be suicidal. I’ve tried to support her an have been there through everything but it is difficult and has effected me a great deal. I used to be very positive and upbeat, looked forward to each new day. But I am no longer that person. I’m not sure what the answer is. She will no longer go to counseling as she knows everything they will say and she says it does not help at all.

    • Tina says:

      Dear JMB,
      My heart goes out to you. You sound similar to my husband, who has had to deal with my depression for 10 years now. Sometimes I am amazed he married me at all. Please don’t blame your wife for the substance abuse. I grew up in an alcoholic family, and therefor never drank or took drugs, as I know how wounded I was by those behaviors. Recently however, I see I’m becoming addicted to the anti anxiety, and sleep medications I was prescribed to treat my depression. The last thing on earth I ever wanted was to become an addict, but in my desperate attempt to control my depression. I see it happening to myself which is even more depressing. It’s a very damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation. I can only imagine your wife is stuck in a similar pit.
      Thank you for loving her unconditionally. Celebrate the few good days/moments and I pray they will increase! You are her angel, as my husband is mine, and we would be completely lost without you. You are an amazing man. Steadfast, true, so honorable. I pray many blessings for you to come because you deserve a break! Take good care of yourself so you don’t sink into the pit with your wife. Life is so unfair. It sucks that we all 4 are suffering, as I’m sure are many others. I wish my words were more hopeful, but I hope you can take some comfort in knowing you are not alone. STAY POSITIVE!!!! If my husband lost that quality, we’d be sunk for sure. Depression leads to hopelessness, but HOPE really is the only chance we have, so grab yourself a double dose, one for you and one for your wife. Thank you for fighting the good fight. You are a holy warrior!!!

    • BLZ says:

      to JMB and any others this may be of help to:
      I have struggled with depression since my teenage years. I got married when I was 20 and am now in my fifties. The depression problems I had did not go away after I married but rather just gave me more areas in life to become depressed in. I fought it for years, not wanting others to know, and leaning on God to keep getting me though the valleys. But sometimes it was like God wasn’t enough, I couldn’t get out of the pit. This too I am sure was not easy on our marriage. A few years ago, my husband ended up with his leg in a cast and unable to do anything outside of the house for 6 weeks. As we are farming, our son and I had to look after all the chores. This all happened right at the start of calving season. The work load was enormous. We finally took to eating 4 eggs each for breakfast to try to give us enough energy to work through till dinner. Little did I know what these 4 eggs were doing. I was surprised how my spirits stayed up despite the work load. Those 4 eggs sure gave me energy so I thought, so I continued, and continued….Well about 2 years later I dropped the eggs out of my diet because my doctor didn’t think I should eat any more than 2 a week, even though my cholesterol was fine. I expect it was only about 10 days before I crashed. I was so depressed, I could cry for no reason at all, and this became my whole day, and every day. I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what had caused it. I was scared to go for medical help for fear they put me on something. Then one day as I was making dinner, I felt that what I was feeling was just like withdrawal from something. I thought I hadn’t changed anything. But it was like the Lord promted me that i had left out my eggs. So, I sat down and had my 4 eggs …and the feeling within my body was something that I can’t really describe, as I could actually somehow feel myself being lifted out of what I was in. I went about my day and that night,…still not sure whether I was imagining this or whether it was for real, I googled eggs and depression and came up with “Eggs, Depression Fighters” I could hardly believe it, but I stayed on my eggs. Yes there are days I am a bit depressed but nothing like before I started on the eggs and certainly never again like when I went of them. I even notice it now if I go down to 3 eggs a day for too long, and I know that 2 is certainly not enough for very long . I also eat dry almonds, which also seem to help some. I am not saying this will work for everyone, and I don’t know how long it took being on eggs for my body to finally make the neccesary change. After seeing what happened when I went off the eggs, we do not feel it is wise to drop the eggs out of my diet. I hope this may be of help to someone. There are other foods too, it is just to find out what they are.
      from: B

    • Mary says:

      I am living your exact scenario in my marriage. And I don’t think it will last. 20 years watching his depression affect my own level of life satisfaction and happiness is enough. We can’t beat ourselves up for feeling our own happiness matters too.

      • Sonya says:

        Your response resonates deeply with me. My husband was diagnosed with Depression a few months ago, but I can now see that he has suffered with Depression, paranoia and anger since childhood. His life, from birth, has been dotted with many tragedies. I married all of that which remained quiet until after we exchanged vows. His illness takes the form of blame, distrust and isolation. I’ve spent 30 years watching my confidence dwindle to nothing. I hope to see the day when we both can live our best life.

    • J Martin says:

      Dear JMB,
      I hope things are better now for you. It’s very hard. My husband has been depressed for about five years and although things are better in some ways (since meds), he is not the same man I fell in love with. I am so so sad but I also have no idea what to do — he just sees things differently and he’s distant and much less engaged with me. It’s so tough. I support him but I’m worried about always putting myself second.
      I hope things get better for me, too.

  • Myrna says:

    I appreciate your thoughts on depression. It is interesting to me how many people in these comments have also referenced Bi-polar. It seems there are many people dealing with these issues all of the time.
    Personally we have gone through many of these issues in my home. My husband and I had a bit of a rough courtship. he was hot and cold but it was obvious that we were in love. Without meaning to hurt my feelings often and I believe that is because a healthy relationship was never modeled to him. However after a period of time being apart we got back together and he agreed that we needed to go to counseling. Those counselors were amazing! After a few sessions where we talked about our life plan goals and personal values they separated us and in that separate session they addressed depression with him. He was able to go to one on one therapy and learn some Cognative behaviourly management skills that really helped. They also had us read some books that we each read separately and then woudl discuss in our sessions. This was a wonderful way to address concerns. The conversations were not about “us” it was about a couple in theory and therefore we could talk openly without really hurting the other person or backing them into a proverbial corner. Regarding learning about depression and some skills to help I suggest the book “feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers it has been in reprint a few times but the message is still the same. I was lucky my husband recognized that he was hurting and wanted to feel better. Also, he realized that he would forever have support from me emotionally and that helps when he is going downhill. It has been 18 years and to this day I can show him a lot of grace on bad days but find a good time to look him in the eye and say – “Hey babe, I can see the toilet bowl spinning and your headed down it”… he doesn’t like to hear it but because he respects and loves me he can see me holding up that “mirror” to him and he can remember to take a minute and use some of his skills to stop the depression for taking hold. There are been years after a tough loss that it was much harder than other times but overall we get through it because we lean into each other. I have also learned to be very patient. AND I found a bible study group of ladies to learn into. They have really been amazing support when I wasn’t strong and when I was not well myself. Regarding working on our marriage the book was a short paperback called “the friendship factor: how to get closer to the people you care for”. This book took us a 4 weeks to work through with active discussions and it really helped to remind us that when you love someone you need to treat them well. As opposed to the general habit people get into of when you love someone you often give them the your emotional crumbs. Also it gave us the opportunity to explore what we needed to receive from the other person. I hadn’t learned that before either. It has been 18 years and I can still pick up either book and use it to remind me of where were were and how far we have come. I hope you may consider them for yourselves too.

  • rohloff says:

    Diet! Diet is huge! Also be very careful with any drugs. Over the counter drugs especially cold medicines, are depressants. Unfortunately many of the foods that combat depression are shunned in our society. Sugar and highly processed carbs, so prevalent in today’s foods wreck havoc on your mental health.
    I’ve dealt with depression must my life as a major factor of menstruation and family genetics. I am thankful for a great husband who understand my need for RED meat, potatoes, etc. Who understands that alcohol is not helpful, were as physical activity is. He will gladly dance with me and be happy with a soda or water. 🙂
    Blessed with a wonderful husband!

  • Daryl Exson says:

    I have suffered from mental illness through depression and MS for a very long time. My husband who says he loves me and the Lord uses my illness against me. I get sick and I quit my job or they fire me and instead of support that he promised, he will turn on me and be as mean as he can. I love him and wish he loved me but you have to have some kind of respect for a person to love them. I pray for change every day, that he loves me or let me go. Depression is hard on everyone and you have to have God truly in your heart to fight depression together. God is a healer and I know with diet, exercise, and stress free living, God’s grace and healing power will get me through.

  • DLR says:

    I believe my husband has PTSD based on behaviors that include alcohol and drug use along with the childlike outbursts he has from time to time…usually when liquor or cocaine is involved. He knows that I disapprove of use of both, but alcohol (primarily beer) and pot are his “stress outlets” which also brings on a careless selfish attitude. We had a huge fight over something so SMALL so I called the VA coach to care line to get resources to get him treatment. Instead I got referred to counseling as if I were the one with the problem. I’ve been trying to deal with this and be the voice of reason for years now to void my kids of the childhood I had with an alcoholic father. I do feel that because I’m fighting what seems like a losing battle that I’m starting to show signs of depression myself in the sense of if he can’t respect my wishes why should I do the things that he asks of me. Therefore, I just sit back and let things unravel as they may. ?

    • Jennifer says:

      Your husband sounds a lot like mine (see my post below). I cannot tolerate his dependence on alcohol: he is bringing me down with me too. I understand your depression: i feel it too!

  • Jennifer says:

    My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. His dad passed our first year of marriage, and he turned to alcohol to cope. We have 4 children now, and he is an angry drunk: emotionally abusive to me. He keeps saying he is not happy and wants to go travel for his work. I am the spiritual leader of our family and have carried a heavy burden from his depression, alcoholism, and animosity toward God, plus trying to rear our four kids (triplets age 2 and a 3 year old). He refuses counseling of any kind. I’ve been praying so much for him. Tonight he told me to go ahead and file if I want a divorce. I feel so lonely and isolated. Do you have any advice for us?

  • Roberta says:

    I have been dealing with my husbands depression for more than 20 years. Recently I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do this anymore. I don’t want to live in isolation and want joy in my life for whatever time is left. Am going to be 70 years old and feel so guilty about wanting out of this marriage. I still work full time and come home to a cynical, depressed and angry person every day. He hasn’t worked in over 15 years and is so ungrateful and nasty. Can someone give me some advice. He has no relationship with the children or grandchildren and is highly critical of them all even though they are very successful and supportive of him, both emotionally and financially. I am at the end of my rope.

    • Al G says:

      I have been dealing with this for 27 years of diagnosed depression and thinking the markers for depression were there from the begining (married 34 years). She is semi-medicated, works for her about half the time. And mainly just to keep her nose above the waters of depression (not happy). She saw a psychiatrist for the first two years, but has never gone back to any sort of psychotherapy and continues to get her prozac from GP. I have encouraged her over and over throughout the years to get more help, but have only ever been met with stiff resistence. It’s almost like this is my depression and you should not have any say in it. I have been envoloped by this illness twice myself. I went in for treatment both times and fortunately the meds and counseling worked to get out of the “hole” I found myself in. I feel I may have more of an understanding of the illness than most. I have come to the point in my life where I need to leave the marriage to save myself. I am tired of the stuggle, the battle to encorage help for my wife, to save my marriage has come down to saving myself from this illness. Keep care of yourself and realize you can not save someone who does not want help.

    • Sue says:

      Hi Roberta–
      My husband has been depressed for 15 years or so. I didn’t realize that was part of our problem until a few years ago. He has never been officially diagnosed. He lost a job that was very important to him, then a few years later had a major stroke, then a heart attack. I could not understand why he didn’t change his habits after that. Still smoked and drank. This continues to this day. I still work and try to get out hiking with my son as often as I can (totally helps my sanity). Unfortunately, I can no longer count on him to care for himself for a few days out–came home yesterday to find he had fallen while we were gone and took him most of the day to make his way back into the house from the garage. I understand being at the end of your rope, but do you still love him at all? Can he take care of himself? I know you posted this quite awhile ago, but I guess this is partly a way for me to put my situation out there too. It is so hard–especially if they don’t want help, as is my situation. Just know you are not alone. Hang in there, Lady.

  • Antonio says:

    Thank you for your help! I just realized that my wife’s depression has changed me for years. I was once very outgoing, but for years I have changed and become alone. I just realized, that I have taken on her same actions of seperation. Today I always choose to be alone, versus being with family or friends, I still participate but fill uncomfortable! I never felt this way before! Now knowing that it’s not me, and the situation I’m dealing with, now makes a lot of sense!!

    Thank you for your time and assistance!!!!

    I will be better, not only for myself, but for my Wife!!!!

  • Evan says:

    My wife has recognized that she is clinically depressed and has been taking medication for some time now but she blames me for the depression….how do I be supportive with her depression when she see me as the reason why?

    • Allon says:

      Blaming is part of the illness. My bipolar wife complained about me years whilst high. Then she crashed. Nothing about you. It’s the disease

  • Marc says:

    I’ve been married for 11 years and we have 2 young children. My wife had a one night stand 2 years ago. It changed things between us, which from my perspective was understandable – but i felt things were slowing improving. However, during the last few months she has become very depressed. She sees no hope in our marriage and says she doesn’t love me anymore. I have discussed with her and she now says she doesn’t know what she really feels. We’ve actually had some pleasant times together recently but no physical relationship in two years. I hug her everyday but its always me that instigates it… She is seeking help but I am getting impatient and I feel her low mood is starting to weigh on me. I don’t want thing to end, we actually get on very well still and i think we are excellent parents to our children but it very hard.

  • Deb says:

    I’m glad to have found this article and all the responses. It’s good to know that I’m not alone. I’ve been married for 15 years, of that, 14 years I have been caring for my depressed husband. There have been less depressed times and times of extreme depression and suicide watches. Its exhausting. We have 3 children together, I’ve done nearly all of everything most of these years. I’m tired. I foolishly kept thinking the depreasion would one day go away or that the right combination of drugs would finally fix the broken parts of his mind. But here i am yeara later watching all my dreams pass me by and I’m more care giver than i am wife. I really want a partner in life, I want to be with someone who makes me feel important, like a priority and loved but I feel like I’m the one constantly telling him he is loved, he is valued, he can keep going and better days are ahead. I’d really like someone to tell me that. I’d like to not be the single married lady. So over the past year I’ve noticed my thinking has become somewhat negative towards him and I contemplate divorce but what I really want is a functioning husband. He is a good man, he has never mis treated me, he is kindhearted and when he feels good he works hard. So I feel guilty wanting more, wishing he was the guy I dated so many years ago. Anyone got a magic wand?

    • Allon says:

      No magic wand. But try not to think ahead. One day at a time. Put yourself first and don’t get sucked in. do what you need to do….not what others advice u without understanding your predicament. Life is complex

    • J Martin says:

      This sounds painfully familiar. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I had twenty years of a fairy tale marriage and then my husband got depressed and things have changed radically. It’s very hard. Hang in there. Hope it’s gotten better.

  • Tony says:

    It’s always great to share stories and compare notes of what others have been through. I really enjoyed the article too! Been married to my wife of 16 years with two beautiful children. When I met her she was already taking anti depressants but wasn’t the drug for her as it made her mean and unbearable!! She’s now been to numerous psychologists and after years of different drugs she was a little better but always struggled with the disease. I asked her for years to find a more in-depth counselor she thinks she’s fine but far from the truth. We also went through a bout of infidelity on her part a few years ago. Now she has a boyfriend and has filed for divorce while we still live together. She plans to move across the country for him once the divorce is done. I am happy that I get to keep my kids with no fight. I am a christian and do have tremendous faith but I’m also realistic and decided that I’m done and can’t do this anymore as I have to think of my kids and myself too. If she goes through with the divorce ill wish her well and move on. But her highly addictive personality will eventually get her in trouble.

  • Steve says:

    I have been suffering from depression, for 5 years, or ever since we got married. I am a single child, and don’t have kids, but my wife has 2 kids. I knew going in, that it might be a bit challenging, but it was wayyyyy more than I ever dreamed it would be. 3 nights a week, I was basically a single dad, due to my wife’s work schedule. Get them up, dressed, fed, to school, then pickup, dinner, homework, shower, then bed. After 6 weeks, I was overwhelmed, stressed out, and miserable – depressed actually. I withdrew, and my wife was furious with me, because she wasn’t getting what she needed. I tried to explain to her, how ungodly hard this, and how drastically my life just changed, but there was no grace period. She attacked me with her words, called me a jerk, and an awful husband for years. I could not understand how she couldn’t understand what I’ve had to adjust too, and then beat me to death over it. Finally, I started figuring out how to be a parent, and that issue, got much better. However, by then, I developed serious animosity toward her, over how hard she was on me. Then it was her that was making so unhappy. She had tried to leave twice already, but the third time was for real. I decided to leave the house, and get some help, which I did. Problem was, she blamed me for everything, which really angered me. I understood that I had not been the perfect husband, but how could she not at least understand how hard it was, to become a parent overnight, when I’ve never even had siblings. I had also been single for quite a few years before we met. It was shocking, and overwhelming. So, I can back home after 2 months, and things were going great, but then I found out that I was in danger of losing my job in a couple of months, due to major company cutbacks, so that kind of started my depression again. I did lose my job, but was given the choice of a speration package, or a big demotion, back to an entry level position, with a big pay cut. That was incredibly hard to deal with. Then, my mom almost died, and then we learn she has stage 4 colon cancer. The doctor told me that I needed to enjoy her, while she was still my mom. That really added to my stress level. Then, I found out just recently, that my whole department is most likely losing our jobs, so I’ve been pretty darn depressed lately, and have really withdrawn.. My wife has been telling me how unhappy she is, and I keep telling her that I’m trying to deal with all of this, but she is miserable, and lonely, and that we have no relationship, and now she says that she done, because I’ve gone right back to being withdrawn. I don’t feel like she understands what’s going on with me, so where I do understand how hard things are for her, I wouldn’t walk out on her, if the situation was reversed. I love her a lot, but I’m stuck in this black hole, and I just can’t. She deserves to be happy, but it’s not as if I’m doing anything intentionally to hurt her. I don’t want to be depressed, and I’m going to get help again. My wife says good, maybe that will help you later in life. Not sure what to do now.

  • hi there I really like the blog you have set up here. Thanks and keep up the great work!

  • Mean Wife says:

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