Does your spouse withdraw when you’re going through a tough time?
Seasons of grief, loss, and waiting are difficult for everyone. But we each survive those seasons in different ways. Maybe your spouse self-isolates during times like this, but you crave deep connection. How can you persuade them to open up to you?
You want to join with your spouse’s spirit and get through this together. You’re eager to walk alongside them and share their grief, but they’re so private about their feelings, and it’s confusing and hurtful. Why won’t they just talk to you about how they’re feeling and what’s going through their head? Shouldn’t they want to?
There’s no “right” way to grieve or deal with a difficult situation. It’s understandable that you’d want your spouse to talk to you. After all, talking and connecting with loved ones is how you offer and seek support. But your spouse simply has different needs.
Understand How Your Spouse Needs to Grieve
Some people are driven to connect with others when stressed or distressed. Their automatic instinct is to seek conversations that help them process their feelings. Maybe that sounds familiar to you.
On the other hand, some people tend to withdraw, shut down, and crave alone time to regroup when they’re upset. This could be the case with your spouse. There’s nothing wrong with handling grief differently; their way is just different from yours.
If you’re a person who craves connection, your spouse’s behavior will naturally be puzzling. You want to be supportive and give words to the feelings your spouse seems unable to articulate. Maybe you have a broader “feeling” vocabulary because you spend more time connecting with your emotions. But you can’t necessarily influence your spouse to process things in your way.
While it may feel unnatural to you, it’s important to honor the way your spouse needs to grieve and process. Now isn’t the time to persuade them to accommodate your needs. When you’re on the other side of this season, you can revisit the subject and plan for future scenarios.
Find Ways to Connect Without Forcing Conversation
In the meantime, there are ways you can connect with your spouse without forcing conversation. Every so often, jot down a note to your spouse just to let them know you’re with them. This gives them the space they need, while giving you an opportunity to say, “I’m here for you.” These notes could help strike a balance between conversation and complete silence on the subject, helping you feel connected while protecting your spouse from overwhelm.
There are other things you can do to help your spouse. In the event of loss, reminisce with them. Laughing over happy memories or finding meaningful mementos could lift their spirit. You can also find other things to talk about and other ways to connect. Starting a daily devotional, such as our One Year Love Talk Devotional, would be a great way to get conversations started without dwelling on painful topics. Take a look and get your copy here.
Once this season has passed, it will be important to talk to your spouse. Coming to a mutual agreement on grieving could help you weather the next storm with more ease. You’ll both likely need to compromise, but it’s possible to better meet one another’s emotional needs in the midst of heartache.
Does your spouse shut down during difficult times, or does that sound more like you? How do you navigate grief together? Leave us a comment and let’s talk about it.
