If your spouse has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, the emotional toll can feel overwhelming.
The prospect of losing the love of your life is unimaginable. This is an incredibly painful situation to be in. It’s common for caregivers to feel a broad range of emotions throughout their partner’s illness, including guilt.
Guilt can play a significant part when your spouse is seriously ill, and you continue to be healthy. You may be processing all the future experiences your spouse won’t be able to share. Or, you might be struggling with the caregiving responsibilities that come with terminal illness. Whatever the case, there are some steps you can take to alleviate guilt so you can focus on being emotionally available to your spouse.
Spend Time Reminiscing
Sharing memories is a powerful way to stay connected with your spouse during terminal illness, which includes a process of saying goodbye. Reliving the story you’ve created and shared together is an important part of this process. Spend time talking about your experiences together and express which moments meant the most to you.
Going through photo albums and home movies together is a beautiful way to review your shared life together. Start at the young, awkward days when you first met and move through your family history. If your spouse is able to travel, plan to revisit some of your favorite places. Think of each memory you share as a tribute to your relationship.
Incorporate Your Spouse Into the Future
Coming to terms with your spouse’s terminal illness isn’t just about appreciating the past and present. You can also find ways to incorporate your spouse into your family’s future. This process will help you make memories now, while you plan future memories for yourself and your children.
A friend of ours lost her husband to a terminal brain tumor. They had a beautiful wine cellar, so during his illness, the wife had her husband select and label wines for every occasion they could think of. Some of these occasions included future birthdays, weddings, and university graduations. Her husband would write a little note to go with his label so that on these future occasions, his family would have a part of him present.
Feel All Your Emotions
Feeling profound guilt could make it difficult to embrace all of your emotions during this time. Still, it’s important to let yourself feel the full range. Whether you’re feeling guilty, angry, or fearful, let yourself feel that.
Watching the person you love most suffer, knowing you’re experiencing their loss over time, is agonizing. Ignoring your emotions and pushing through will only hurt you in the long run. Acknowledge how you feel, and then seek out loving support.
Don’t try to do this alone, and don’t do it in isolation together. Let your loved ones circle around you and help you through this difficult time. Allow the people who love you to hold you both as you move through this experience together.
Include Other Caregivers If Possible
If it’s possible, include other caregivers in your support system. The progression of loss you’re experiencing can make it difficult to be in a caregiver role. Your spouse needs you now more than ever. But if you’re not comfortable with certain aspects of care management, consider how you can call in support.
Some caregiver spouses experience guilt when they struggle with taking care of their spouse throughout a terminal illness. Some people make great patients, while others make great nurses. If you’re not wired to be a good nurse to your spouse, then acknowledge that.
Consider hiring an in-home nurse if you can. If not, you may be able to ask loved ones to spend time with your spouse occasionally to relieve you. If you can allow other people to help you with physical caretaking, that could free you up to be more emotionally present and invested. Your emotional presence is vital to them, because your spouse can’t get that from anyone else.
Stay Connected To Love
As you spend intentional time with your spouse, reflecting and meditating on your love for each other is essential. Reading and reflecting can be a beautiful way to spend time together each day. Our book, Love Is…, contains a series of meditations for couples centered around 1 Corinthians 13, the Bible’s “Love Chapter,” a wonderful testament to your marriage. You can find a copy here.
Have you faced terminal illness in your marriage, or observed it in friends or family? Share your stories of hope and love in the comments.
