Does your spouse act like one of the kids?
Parenting kids is a full-time job, both for you and your spouse. But if your spouse acts more like one of the kids than your parenting partner, that makes your job more challenging. Rather than presenting a united front and guiding your children together, you find yourself parenting your spouse, too.
The problem is, teaching appropriate behavior to your kids means they need to see it modeled. If one of their parents doesn’t always follow basic etiquette, they’re less likely to, also. This makes social situations like family gatherings or church services unnecessarily stressful. So what should you do?
Modeling Appropriate Behavior is Crucial
It’s great that your kids have a strong relationship with your spouse. What a blessing to enjoy one another’s company and quality time together. However, that doesn’t mean your spouse is off the hook as a parent.
For kids to succeed in the world—both now and as adults—they need their parents to model appropriate behavior. If only one parent is willing to do so, that sends a confusing message to the kids. It also creates unnecessary tension in your family and ultimately, your marriage. You and your spouse should be working together to encourage:
- Exercising basic etiquette
- Taking responsibility for schoolwork and chores
- Being well-behaved and dependable
- Treating others with respect
- Contributing to family and community
If your spouse refuses to enforce household rules or social etiquette standards—and even breaks them along with the kids—that encourages the kids to be disrespectful. Your spouse may not fully realize this. Regardless, they’re contributing to your pain and the kids’ misbehavior.
The good news is that it’s possible to create an appropriate comfort zone at home together, while still teaching the kids appropriate behavior. You can find a better balance. Teaching etiquette doesn’t have to be a battle, but it does require both parents to be on board.
Create an Appropriate Comfort Zone Together
It’s possible to work together as parents, teach your children appropriate standards of behavior, and still have a strong, enjoyable relationship with them. Working as a team, rather than against each other, will also give you the opportunity to show your kids what a public standard of behavior looks like, versus a close, private standard at home. Your kids don’t have to be formal in every setting, but it’s important they understand that those standards don’t mix.
Establishing an appropriate behavioral “comfort zone” with your kids at home can also help them feel relaxed. It’s okay to let loose and be silly at home. It’s also important to be gracious, conscientious, and polite at school, at church, and out in public.
I (Les) understand how much fun it is to cut loose with the kids. I grew up with two brothers, and I’m a dad with two boys. There were times when the kids were younger when I needed to get on board with Leslie. We wanted to raise gentlemen, and working as a team is what it took to do so.
We know raising well-mannered kids is important to you and your spouse. Work together, teach them as a team, and model these behaviors for them so they can go out in the world and present themselves well. Don’t rely on one parent to model it all; do it side by side. Letting your kids see how these standards of behavior can be lived out is key to setting them up for success.
If you’re ready to build a more united front, dinnertime is a great time to teach your kids by example. Our book, The Hour That Matters Most, builds a case for why dinnertime is the most important time of day to spend with your family. It’s the perfect place to start reinforcing good manners as a team. Take a look and get your copy here.
How do you and your spouse work together to guide your kids? Share your experiences in the comments.
