Gimme My Space: The Importance of Respecting Your Spouse’s Individuality

By May 31, 2017February 23rd, 2018Communication, Self Reflection, Time

“Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” – Leo Buscaglia

When you’re in the early years of your relationship–namely, dating and the “honeymoon period” of your marriage–it’s easy to lose yourself in one another. Many couples want to spend every possible moment together, and are even willing to lay aside their individual interests or activities during that time. The differences between you and your spouse tend to be glossed over, too, and those differences don’t feel like a big deal at first.

Eventually, you might find that once you’ve settled into marriage, your spouse might not want to be firmly attached to your side in the same way as before. Or you may have started noticing that some of the qualities that drew you to your spouse in the first place are now beginning to bother you. Sure, you may still have a great relationship, but it’s starting to feel like you’re drifting apart. Should you panic?

Recovering Your Identities

The most likely scenario is that you and your spouse have adjusted to sharing a life, and are delving back into the things that make you who you are as individuals. You’ve been together for a little while now, and it’s natural to want to revisit some of the things each of you love that may have fallen by the wayside.

Not only will you both eventually want to revisit your individual selves; you’ll continue to grow and change over the years. Give yourselves room to reconnect with who you are, and with who your spouse is (or has become). There is beauty in making space for those two unique identities that make up your marriage partnership.

It’s also normal to feel some friction as your opposite qualities begin to make themselves clearer. That’s okay, too. After all, you fell in love because of who your spouse is, and vice versa.

Rediscovering Your Similarities

It’s important for the two of you to respect one another’s individuality and hard-wiring. The saying that “opposites attract” isn’t really true; most people are drawn to other people who are a lot like them. So when you’re in a marriage with someone who isn’t a lot like you, it’s easy to fall into emphasizing those opposite qualities over what you have in common. Your differences eventually become the most apparent things in your marriage.

When your differences seem to outweigh your similarities, it’s time to reconnect with the common ground you share. Deliberately create moments and opportunities to reminisce about falling in love, and those early, blissful times in your relationship. Those moments will open doors for great conversation, and put you on the road back to intimacy.

Intimacy is built on common ground; keep those things you have in common in mind, and highlight them whenever possible. Create fun, shared experiences that knit your hearts together, and be deliberate and consistent about making that happen. Go on walks together, go fishing, work together in your yard–any activity that will connect you two on a deeper level. Find that common ground and enjoy it together.

Learning from One Another

When you and your spouse have many differing qualities, you’ll often find that you balance and complement one another. Instead of focusing on things about your spouse’s differences that bother you, try to find the strengths in those individual qualities and see what you can learn from those strengths.

Is your spouse better at saying no than you are (while you’re more of a “yes man” or “yes woman”)? If you often feel over-committed and stretched beyond your limits, perhaps you can pay attention to how your spouse approaches a tactful “no,” then apply the same principles the next time someone asks you to do something you shouldn’t say yes to. Of if you’re an energetic extrovert and your spouse craves a lot of quiet time, you could practice slowing down and learn to savor that quiet time with him or her.

Allowing for Compromise

Compromise is a form of respecting your spouse–in particular, respecting his or her individuality. You can compromise on many things: food or entertainment preferences, travel, chores, weekly activities, and more.

For example, if you’re an extrovert and your spouse is not, give them the gift of solitude and allow them to do the things they love (like reading, enjoying a quiet coffee, drawing, writing, etc.) without making demands of their energy that they’re unable to fulfill. As a compromise, find a small group or activity you can be a part of so you’re not depending on your spouse to be present for every piece of your proverbial social “pie.”

Respect what your spouse needs in order to have the inner strength and resilience you fell in love with in the first place. Admire who your spouse is, and don’t try to change them; instead, create space for them to be who they are because that is how they were made.

How do you and your spouse make space for each of your individual interests, preferences, and needs? We’d love to hear from you in the comments section!


  • Sharon Heffner says:

    This could not have come at a better time in my marriage. “Thank you God for knowing just what I need, when I need it- and for the individuals you have gifted to present Your message in a way that is easy to understand and put into practice. “

    • John says:

      I cannot agree more with you. The timing was perfect for me. MY friend said I was suffocating her. She needs time for herself. I too felt I need space but did not want to say because I enjoy being with her. I told her I would wait to hear from her. How long do I wait? I needed a message from God about what just happened. Thank you Lord.

  • This is an excellent post guys! Another way of saying this that we heard from Pete and Geri Scazzero is; a healthy twoness makes for a healthy oneness in marriage.

  • Bryan Wood says:

    My wife ask me to read this and i have no idea why? Evrything you have written i am already doing to no avail. I am not a quitter but it is getting harder day by day. Any help i most appreciated! Thank you!
    Please help!

    • Judy says:

      I am sitting here thinking about sending this to MY husband, too. It is because he has lost his identity. He has given up all of his interests and only works and comes home and works some more. He seems to just try to please me by suggesting things I like. What does he like? What is he interested in? What is God doing in his life? He lets me do whatever I want pretty much. He is very easy going about me seeing friends and going on trips with girlfriends etc. He just doesn’t share his heart. I keep trying to tell him what I see, but he doesn’t understand…..

  • Kali says:

    Thank you guys for a truthful and realistic post. My husband and I have been back and forth about this exact subject for the past few weeks. We both continually pray about our struggle with difference and I am so glad God is hearing us. We really do need to find common ground while respecting each other’s individuality. Thank you guys!

  • Eric G Glenn says:

    I really needed this. I suffer from anxiety and have been guilty of smothering my wife. I understand her position much better now.

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