Does your spouse spill your secrets?
It’s upsetting when someone tells your secrets to friends and family. And when your spouse does the telling, that hurts even more. We want to be able to trust the person we marry with our vulnerabilities, fears, and deepest secrets.
So what can you do when your spouse breaks confidence? Is there any way to rebuild trust in your marriage? Let’s talk about it.
Spilled Secrets Feel Like Betrayal
Let’s say you opened up to your spouse about a sensitive subject—one you’ve been reluctant to discuss. You finally worked up the courage to bring it up, and the conversation felt supportive and safe. A weight lifted off your shoulders and you felt better about finally having that talk…
…until you found out your spouse told their best friend about the conversation that weekend. You feel betrayed, upset, and angry at yourself for being so vulnerable. Why would your spouse have repeated that information to anyone? Don’t they care about your feelings?
Suddenly, it feels like being vulnerable was a huge mistake. You never want to tell your spouse another secret. After all, your spouse will repeat that too, right?
Assume Your Spouse Had Good Intentions
First, consider that your spouse may have meant no harm. Some people want to verbally process things with their friends. Maybe your spouse doesn’t realize they’ve done harm by talking about you. After all, they trust their friends and feel safe in their company.
Your spouse might talk about you because you’re important to them, and maybe they have good intentions. Perhaps they want to help solve a dilemma, or maybe they were moved by something you opened up about. Even if that’s the case, it’s important to set boundaries so you feel safe.
Set Boundaries for Secrets
It’s impossible to be vulnerable and emotionally intimate when your spouse tells your secrets. This loss of trust will ultimately harm your marriage, so it’s important to get your feelings out in the open. You can’t repair the damage without addressing it, so talk to your spouse. Then, set boundaries and parameters for sharing future secrets.
Your spouse needs to understand they’ve done harm. To trust them again, you need to know they won’t repeat your secrets to others. You could say something like, “Honey, I know you’re close to the guys, but I would have preferred for you to keep that information between us. It hurts to know you repeated it. I love you, but I can’t share secrets with you in the future if you’re going to repeat what I say.”
If You’ve Repeated Your Spouse’s Secrets
Have you repeated things your spouse told you in confidence? It’s crucial to repair the damage done to your relationship. Your spouse can’t be vulnerable with you unless they know you’re not going to tell others.
You may have a close relationship with your friends or family members, but connecting with them at your spouse’s expense could irreparably damage your spouse’s trust in the long run. Even if your friends talk openly about issues in their marriages, don’t join in if your spouse asked you not to.
It might be difficult to measure your words among friends. But it will be a more painful loss if your spouse shuts down, loses trust, and stops confiding in you. You want your spouse to feel safe enough to share from the heart.
Check in with your spouse before you share information with your friends. Some things will be fine to share, while others won’t. Opening up this communication with your spouse will help you repair harm and regain trust.
Keeping your spouse’s confidence is just one way to build a stronger relationship. Our book, Strengthen Your Marriage, will help you lay the foundation for lifelong love. Check it out and get your copy here.
Has your spouse spilled secrets to their friends? What about you? How did you resolve the issue? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
We will celebrate 49 years in a couple days. Our relationship has improved greatly from the beginning to now.
This is something that my spouse does a lot of the time. He will tell his one sister everything or almost everything that goes on in our family. We have 4 girls. They have been hurt many times because he has shared things that they didn’t want shared with others. The girls hesitate to share. One of our daughters does not want to talk with her dad or come around because she has been hurt by him so many times.
I have been hurt on a constant bases. I will share what he did but he doesn’t seem to see it. There are times I feel he has it out for me. If I share something very often after I have shared it with a friend or someone else (it can be something that is not vulnerable) I will get a talking to that he felt uncomfortable talking with them.
Last night we were at prayer meeting. A lady came up to me and asked me how I was doing. My husband took offence to that as he did not like her asking me that question. I started to talk with her and he took over the conversation. On our way home I heard it about how he felt uncomfortable and how he didn’t like her asking about how I was doing.
For me to talk with someone to share my feelings I have to do it in private because my husband wants to be in on the conversation. It is very difficult for me to have a close friend who I can talk openly with because if my husband knows he questions me about what we talked about. He will ask me who I am calling or talking with and also who am I texting or emailing. There was a point where he would check my iPad, phone and computer to see who I was communicating with. I lost all trust and find it difficult.
We are both retired. It has not been easy for me to be at home 24/7. My husband shows jealousy towards me at different times.
I am at a point where I want to disappear.
Donna,
I would suggest you see a counselor who is trained in abuse , or at the very least, read the book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. It sounds like your husband has control issues and also does not respect your boundaries, if I am understanding this correctly (?). There are also many podcasts with Leslie Vernick and many resources available to help you. I would urge you to attend to this; don’t ignore it. I can tell you are hurting!