What happens when your spouse stops caring for their appearance as they once did?
For many people, physical attractiveness is an incredibly important part of romantic relationships. Though we grow and change together over the course of marriage, we want to remain attracted to one another. When your spouse’s appearance changes, it can be distressing.
Maybe you’re missing that aspect of the person you fell in love with. You might even be feeling less physically attracted to your spouse. And you might worry that this isn’t just a phase, and it will last indefinitely. Is there anything you can say to help them take care of themselves the way they once did?
This change in appearance could be related to weight, health, grooming, or clothing. If you don’t approach it with sensitivity and careful planning, you’ll end up hurting your spouse. Even then, the conversation could be painful and challenging to navigate. Let’s talk about issues with appearance in marriage, and how to gently start this conversation with your spouse.
Different Phases of Life Can Affect Confidence
As you observe your spouse through an empathetic lens, remember that life phases can affect confidence. For example, a woman with babies or young children may not have time to devote to style the way she used to. Perhaps she’s working from home or taking time away from the office, and she’s no longer dressing for work or for the calendar. On the other hand, a man whose regular routine has been disrupted by health issues or a layoff may struggle with confidence as well.
Regardless of your situation, there are many reasons why someone might fall into a pattern of sidelining their appearance and/or health. Your spouse may feel that no one notices them, or that it’s impossible to look and feel the way they’d like to. Even if you prefer for your spouse to present themselves a certain way, it’s important to understand that they may not even feel like themselves right now.
Offer Gentle Support
Offer gentle support to your spouse during this season. Keep letting them know you love them and find them attractive. This situation feels sensitive and unsettling for both of you, and it’s challenging to address issues of appearance without stirring up strong emotions.
Consider offering to invest in a wardrobe (or a few outfits) that feel comfortable, fit your spouse’s lifestyle, and help them feel good about themselves. You want to be attracted to your spouse, and your spouse wants to feel attractive to you. When you approach this by saying, “I want you to be comfortable,” you’re putting emphasis on their experience.
Remember that even when you approach this situation with care, it may still bring up some difficult emotions and hard conversations. Your spouse may feel upset regardless of how you bring this up. I (Leslie) remember that one time, Les offered to buy me anything I wanted out of a Brooks Brothers catalog. He thought I’d be so excited, but instead, I burst into tears. I felt like he was telling me, “You don’t look good enough.”
Even though you might fear it, this season likely won’t last forever. Keep pouring into your spouse and showing them love, affection, and encouragement. And if you have other pressing questions about marriage, check out our book, Questions Couples Ask. This guide covers over 100 of the most frequent questions we receive about marriage, conflict resolution, sex, money, and more. Take a look and order your copy here.
Have you or your spouse faced a season of struggling with your confidence or appearance? How did you overcome it? Share with us in the comments below.
