Is revenge justified when your spouse betrays you?
Whatever happened, this betrayal was devastating to your emotional wellbeing. It affected important aspects of your life and made moving forward incredibly difficult. If your spouse hurt you that deeply, is it fair to make them pay for what they did? Shouldn’t they have to suffer, too?
Betrayal is one of life’s most painful experiences. That’s especially true when it happens within a marriage. Some betrayals are easier to overcome than others. Still, they’re all painful enough to make even the kindest, most patient person want revenge.
Revenge Won’t Repair Your Heart
The truth is, getting revenge on your spouse won’t repair your broken heart. In the short term, it might make you feel like you’ve gained something. But long term, it’s not very satisfying.
There’s nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. It’s important to be clear about the injustice and betrayal your spouse inflicted. They need to understand the depth of pain you’re experiencing as a result of their actions.
When it comes to revenge, doing harm in return will hurt both of you. If you stay focused on what you need instead, you’ll be that much closer to real healing. You won’t be able to heal in the present or focus on the future if you’re bent on revenge.
Stay in the Moment
There’s an idea in psychology that says that to live fully in the present, you have to release your past. You don’t want to carry your resentment from this situation into the future. Still, it’s easy for the “if onlys,” “shouldas,” “wouldas,” and “couldas” to follow you. Ultimately, resentment will tear your life apart—especially when someone else is involved.
It’s crucial to do what you can to stay in the moment and release the desire for revenge. If you don’t, you’ll never experience true forgiveness. Right now, it might not feel possible to forgive, but it’s impossible to get to that place of healing if you aren’t willing to let go.
Move Toward Forgiveness
Rather than fixating on revenge, focus on the idea of moving toward forgiveness. Instead of thinking about how to make your spouse suffer, what will help you heal? The truth is that forgiveness is about healing yourself. It’s about releasing yourself from the burdens of rage and anger. When you can forgive, that’s when you’re free.
At the same time, it’s normal to be angry and hurt when your spouse has betrayed you. It will be important to process what happened in a safe setting, such as with a therapist or trusted mentor. Whatever happens next, take the high road. You won’t regret it.
Building a stronger marriage will help you get through difficult times as a team, even when that feels impossible. Of course, a licensed counselor, trusted pastor, or marriage mentor can also provide extra support. Our book, Strengthen Your Marriage, pairs with the SYMBIS+ Assessment to help you and your spouse get to know one another on a deeper level and grow closer than ever before. Learn more about the book and assessment here.
Have you and your spouse worked together to overcome betrayal? What safeguards and strategies got you to the other side, and strengthened your relationship in the process? Let us know in the comments.
