What do you do when you disagree with your spouse’s approach to parenting?
Most of us enter marriage with the awareness that we’ll have disagreements with each other from time to time. But we might not anticipate conflict over parenting styles. If you’re feeling conflicted about how your spouse parents your children, what can you do?
Different Parenting Styles Can Be Beneficial
It’s tempting to harbor hard feelings or information we don’t want our spouse to hear. We don’t want to experience the fallout, so we hold back. But when we don’t address issues that bother us, that leads to resentment and issues down the road. In the long run, it’s not helpful to ignore problems.
When our children were young, we didn’t always approach parenting and discipline from the same angle. Even though we had different perspectives, our kids benefited from the blend of our styles. If kids only get one side of their parents’ responses to any given situation, they’re missing out on so much.
It’s common for one parent to feel uncertain about their spouse’s parenting approach. Maybe you feel your spouse is too strict, or too lenient. You likely watch them navigate conflict and everyday challenges and think, “My way is better.” But the truth is, a child can learn so much from different parenting styles that complement each other.
How to Navigate Differences in Parenting
If you’re feeling uncertain or upset about the way your spouse parents, it’s important to communicate about that in a loving way. Set aside time to discuss this in private. Avoid having potentially hot-button conversations in front of your children.
Rather than being critical, get curious about where your spouse is coming from. Talk about your experiences growing up and what you witnessed from the parental figures in your life. If you haven’t yet, get clear on your parenting values, share them with each other, and identify where you’re similar and different.
You might be surprised to find that you and your spouse want the same things for your kids; you might just be going about discipline in different ways. Focus on what you have in common first, and work together from there. Consider establishing a cue, such as a code word or phrase, when there’s a parenting-related issue you’d like to discuss privately. This can help you avoid clashing when the kids are within earshot.
But What If Your Spouse Is Really Wrong?
So what should you do if there’s more to your parenting disagreements than different perspectives? If your spouse is truly in the wrong, what can you do? How should you handle that?
For instance, let’s say your spouse helps one of your children with their homework every night, and every night, the dining room dissolves into shouting and tears. You know your spouse is approaching the subject matter from an advanced perspective that’s beyond your child’s skill level. In this case, consider having a private conversation with your spouse to express your concerns.
Most importantly, don’t bottle up your feelings and concerns. Failing to address the issue with your spouse will only lead to greater conflict later. It’s possible to work together to find a more balanced path forward.
Parenthood is your most important calling, and it’s crucial to approach it in a healthy way. If you and your spouse need additional guidance, our book, The Parent You Want To Be, is a great place to start. Learn more and get your copy here.
Have you and your spouse ever clashed over parenting? How did you resolve the conflict and move forward? Let us know in the comments.
