So you want to enjoy some vacation time together, but your spouse has a habit of using all their off days with his or her family. You love your in-laws, but you don’t want to spend all your days off with them. More than that, you want a little downtime with your spouse as a couple. Is it possible to create a better balance?
Strong Family Relationships Are Great, But Balance is Essential
It’s great that your spouse has a close relationship with their family. The fact that they can spend quality time with their parents or siblings truly pays off for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. However, that doesn’t give your spouse license to use up all their precious vacation time. That time is important for the two of you.
Each of you only have a certain number of days off work per year. Neither of you can give all that away and neglect spending time with each other. You look forward to spending special time unwinding with your spouse, and it’s important to find a healthier way to enjoy this time off so you’re both getting what you need.
Let Your Spouse Know What You Need
So how can you get your voice heard when these family activities are so important to your spouse? First, it’s important to let him or her know how you feel. Try to do this in a moment when you feel calm and collected so the conversation stays as productive as possible.
If your spouse’s family outings are part of a long tradition, it can be difficult to interrupt that. As long as you’re not speaking up, then he or she probably won’t realize you’re feeling upset. Speak up in a kind, yet firm way they can hear and understand.
Consider reversing the roles to see how your spouse might feel. You could say something like, “What if you were looking forward to a vacation with me, but I already booked a trip with my mom? If I had no extra days to spend with you, how would that make you feel?”
Advocate For Yourself and Offer Positive Solutions
This isn’t about keeping your spouse from spending any vacation time with family. Let them know they don’t have to give that up completely. But advocate for yourself and ask for your fair share of time.
Try offering a positive solution in the process of this conversation. Ahead of time, think about the number of days you’d like to have with your spouse that would still allow him or her to participate in their family activities. You could try saying something like, “Hey, I need at least five to seven days a year where I can count on us doing something fun and exciting together. The rest can be for whatever you want.”
It’s possible to value your spouse’s relationship with their family, while also advocating for your own needs. Let your spouse know: “This is great! I’m glad you’re enjoying yourselves, and I want you to continue doing that. But we still need to make room for us, too.”
If you need help building an effective communication strategy, our book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, and its accompanying SYMBIS Assessment, can help you connect on a deeper level than ever before. The insights you glean from the assessment will help you navigate a wide variety of sticky situations, including how to use your vacation days in a way that feels good to you both. Learn more about the book and assessment here.
Have you and your spouse successfully navigated conflicts around vacation and off time? How did you come to a solution that worked for you both? Leave us a comment and let’s talk about it.
