“I don’t know how to say no. It’s like I’m incapable of disappointing people!”
Does this sound familiar to you?
Maybe you’re exhausted, over-extended, and overbooked. Yet when someone needs you, you still can’t bring yourself to refuse. Even if saying yes is to your detriment, you’d rather be agreeable than risk disappointing anyone.
We call this the disease to please. When we engage in pathological people-pleasing behavior, we disconnect from our authentic self in order to be approved by others. In a sense, people-pleasers sacrifice who they are.
Hard-Wired to Keep People Happy?
Do you feel hard-wired to keep people happy at your own expense? True, lasting connection is built on honesty and authenticity. When you people-please, you’re not being honest.
It’s possible to avoid saying no and keep someone happy for a time. But that’s a superficial connection. You’re actively investing in a relationship that lacks depth because you can’t bring yourself to be honest.
Authenticity and honesty can sometimes create discomfort. That’s natural. When you avoid honesty and work so hard to please others, that builds resentment. Sooner or later, you also cover up the resentment you feel toward the people you’re pleasing.
Made for Relationships
Humans are made to connect and build relationships with one another. We’re not meant to do life alone. We have a deep need to be seen, heard, and known. And often, we’ll do whatever it takes to maintain those connections, even if that means hurting ourselves.
Fear of rejection is real. When we say no, we risk losing approval. We may even lose relationships we built on the disease to please. But the good news is, your real friends will hang around when you show up authentically.
Did you know that the disease to please is fueled by irrational thinking? This flawed mindset does real damage. To stop the pattern, it’s essential to identify people-pleasing compulsions in yourself.
Bad Thoughts Lead to People-Pleasing
It can be incredibly challenging to identify the self-defeating thoughts that lead to people-pleasing. In fact, this way of thinking disguises itself as being noble and selfless. Pay close attention to beliefs associated with pleasing, such as:
- I can’t let anyone down; people depend on me.
- Saying no to someone who needs my help is selfish.
- If I hurt someone’s feelings, I’m a bad person.
Take stock of similar thought patterns that lead you to overextend yourself. In what ways do you feel compelled to be there for other people? How might you neglect your own well-being in the process?
The Disease to Please is Curable
So is it possible to cure the disease to please? Yes. The cure begins with identifying the bad thoughts that drive pleasing behaviors. Once you’ve identified those patterns, the work to cultivate healthier thoughts begins.
I (Les) wrote a new book with pastor Judah Smith called Bad Thoughts, a guide to help you pinpoint your own “bad thoughts” so you can replace them with healthier ones. If you struggle with the disease to please, this book will help you get on the path to stronger, more authentic relationships. Take a look and order your copy here.
Have you ever struggled with people-pleasing thoughts and behaviors? How did you overcome them? Leave us a comment and let’s talk about it.
