Does your spouse use profanity when you fight? Is there a way to stop it?
Unfortunately, when emotions are running high, some individuals use offensive language. Maybe it’s just habit, or maybe they’re venting their frustrations. If you’re uncomfortable with swearing, though, it’s hurtful to hear those words.
Offensive language is degrading to hear. If swearing has never been part of your life, it’s jarring to hear profanity from the person you love most–especially in the heat of conflict. It’s hard enough to argue with your spouse, especially if you’re newlyweds. But adding offensive language to the mix takes it to another level.
How can you convince your spouse to stop swearing during arguments? That’s what we’re discussing today. While you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, there are things you can do to encourage healthy, positive change. Let’s get into it.
Consider Your Spouse’s Early Home Environment
Did your spouse’s family swear in the home growing up? Offensive language could have been part of the family culture. Maybe they’re used to hearing that language, and don’t think much of it. Swearing is common in many families, even though your parents might not have said those words.
Maybe your spouse sees swearing as a legitimate expression of anger. If their parents blew off steam by swearing, it probably feels natural. But for you, profanity feels verbally abusive on the receiving end. Those words are damaging to your spirit.
Set Healthy Boundaries
While it’s best to discuss issues outside of conflict, that doesn’t always happen. If you find yourself enduring offensive language in the heat of conflict, start with setting healthy boundaries. You could say something like, “Those words are off limits here because they hurt me. That kind of language is so upsetting, it makes listening and understanding more difficult. I can’t be in the presence of swearing, but I’m glad to work through problems without it.”
You can choose to leave the room if your spouse uses profanity. It’s okay to decide that you don’t want to be exposed to that language. And if you don’t yet have kids, it’s good to consider whether you want them to hear those words. If you don’t, it’s better to set your boundaries now rather than later.
Decide ahead of time what your boundary will be. If you need to enforce it, be prepared to do exactly what you said you’ll do. For instance, if you’re going to leave the room, get up and leave the first time your spouse swears. Show them you’re serious about the decision.
Try Discussing the Swearing When You’re Both Calm
If you’re unsettled by your spouse’s language during fights, the best time to talk about it is not while you’re fighting. Consider bringing up the topic when things are calm. When emotions run high, it’s far more difficult to get your concerns heard.
This is an issue you two will need to work through together–sooner rather than later, if possible. You can’t avoid conflict forever, or eliminate it altogether. There will always be issues to work on, and anger is part of life. You and your spouse need to be able to experience those emotions without using abusive language.
Every couple needs to learn how to fight well. Our book, The Good Fight, will help you start transforming conflict in your relationship. And if you both know how to fight well, perhaps it will become less appealing for your spouse to make their point with swear words. Learn more about the book and order your copy here.
Do you and your spouse have boundaries around the use of certain words during conflict? Leave us a comment and let us know.
